Thursday, April 30, 2009

Today's Attractions: May 1, 2009

Look at the guy on the left. Middle row. What is he looking at? His life slipping away. And Obama looks like he's trying to play a video game with an invisible remote control. He's not. He's announcing that Chrysler is about to enter an alliance with Fiat. "I would never actually drive a Fiat," Obama stated before telling the Asian guy next to him to lighten the fuck up. "But if it will keep Chrysler from bleeding the government dry, I'm all for it. Besides, I've got more important things to worry about. Like figuring this shit out...

For a guy stuck on an island and time traveling all over the goddamn place, he sure knows how to keep a neatly trimmed beard. So, yeah, Wednesday night. What the fuck? If you haven't seen it yet, I'm about to spill it's guts all over the page, so close your eyes or scroll down or go watch it already because Jesus fucking Christ! So, Faraday comes back to the island and knows every little detail that's happening or about to happen or should happen, down to the last millisecond, until he comes into contact with Jack and then he's all "Why the fuck are you here?" And Jack's all, "Why do you think? To fuck shit up like I always do." Which causes Faraday to run all over the goddamn island, stopping this and starting that, all trying to find his mommy who we find out is the one who, along with Widmore, gets his ass to go to the island in the first place all so she can blow her own son away at the end even though she doesn't know he's her son until he says, "I'm your son." And then he dies.

Jesus fuck! What the shit is happening? Some car tried to plow over the Dutch royal family on Thursday, but crashed into a stone monument instead, killing four spectators and eventually himself, injuring 13 and ruining at least 30 pair of pants. "Goddamnit, I just bought these pants," one spectator admitted. The driver is said to be 38 years old with no history of mental illness but with an extreme history of being an asshole.

Speaking of assholes. Here's one. "Hey, I'm separating from my wife even though she's hot and played one hell of a drug addict in Forrest Gump while I was playing one in real life." Penn has requested joint legal custody of their kids and this...

I had a friend who actually owned that hat. And wore it. In public. Notice the word had in the first sentence.

This guy didn't have swine flu until that doctor removed his mask and now, yep, he's got swine flu. It seems...

these guys, or angry pig pushers as I like to call them, are all crying over the name swine flu because it's confusing people into thinking they can catch it by eating pork products, causing some countries to stop importing delicious hot dogs and other pork related food items. The Jews and Muslims are all boo hoo over it because the reference to pigs is offensive to their kosher diets. I don't really see that being a good reason to change the name, but at least the Jews and Muslims are in agreement over something. Ok, well, on this note...NAMING CONTEST!!! The CDC is holding a Swine Flu Naming Contest Friday. So far, the CDC has received over 400 submissions from all across the world. Here are just a few:

These guys came up with "Mexican Flu." Just sort of got to the point with that one.

Loves "Jew Flu" even though they have nothing to do with it but according to him, they have everything to do with anything horrible and wrong.

Went with "Mi So Fucked" flu.

Wants to call it the "Finally something you can't blame on me" flu.

Suggested the "Everybody panic" flu.

Is going for "Time to make more babies" flu.
Thinks the "Utter Failure" flu is a winner.

Submitted "Sorry, you're on your own on this one" flu.

"Spider pig" flu.

The "Please stop stalking me" flu.

How about "Get ready for another one of my shitty movies" flu.

She liked the "Fake funded" flu.

The "What you talkin' bout" flu.

The "Guess what, I'm a Goddamn Lesbian" flu.

The "Please put me out of my misery" flu. And finally...

"Crap, I look like Kirstie Alley" flu.

"I'm out." Yep, this guy's done with the Supreme Court. "I don't want to work for a black president," Souter never stated because that would be defamation but we all know it's what he's thinking. Souter has been on the stand since 1990, when...

THIS JUST IN!!! Piglet has been brutally murdered. It is not clear yet on who is behind the slaying, but sources are pretty sure it's this guy...

Goddamnit Hugh Downs.

Good news! Because God hasn't stuck his foot up our asses enough lately, now he's spreading his wrath by spreading wildfires across the South and West. Wildfire experts, or arsonists as they were referred to as when they were children, predict this summer is going to be full of fire-roasting marshmallow goodness. "If you love smores, you'll love the drought stricken areas of the south and southwest," one fire expert stated while grabbing a bag full of graham crackers at the grocery store. There have been 32,000 fierce flames since Jan. 1. And roughly 150 hoping to get married in New Hampshire soon. HEY OH!

See ya. The 89-year-old former Nazi death camp guard will soon be wheelchaired out of his Cleveland home and deported. When asked how he felt about his past finally catching up with him, Demjanjuk stated, "I don't even remember what I had for breakfast." After a good chuckle from the press, it was revealed to him that he had a bagel, to which Demjanjuk immediately erupted with hateful Jewish remarks.

Speaking of hating the Jews, this guy apparently did not. Recent documents support the claim that FDR was actually fond of the latke loving people, revealing that he worked quietly to find save havens for European Jews. "This changes everything," some random Jew, who has no political association with anything and in fact, we think he's just a 40 year old bag boy at Kroger, said while on break. Who cares. He might have tried to cheat the Nazis out of killing the Jews but he still cheated on his beloved Eleanor.

Oh, right.

Oh, shit! Where are you George Zinkhan? Authorities found his red Jeep not far from his home. One of the FBI agents in charge of the investigation stated, "We found his jeep, but he's not in it. So, basically, if the jeep committed the murder, we'd be in business, but, yeah, that's not really the case, so..." Authorities thought they had caught him on Friday, but it turned out to be this guy...

And, on a flu filled news day...
Yep, that's all the news that's fit to suck. Hope you survive the weekend.

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