These fucks. Pakastan Taliban. Fuckin shit up all over the place. What are they up to now? What are those crazy Packi's up to now? This is what they're up to. Teaming up with local militant groups. To fuck shit up in Punjab. Ok? What the fuck is Punjab? Calm down, I'm getting to that. Punjab is a province. Where a lot of Pakastinis live. This little alliance is going to rock the stability of that country. Which means Al Queda gets stronger. Which means we're just never going to get rid of those little fuckers.
Or this guy. Where are you Osama? Are you even still alive? And change your clothes. We need to just...
All over that land. Just drop bombs left and right like it's Fourth of July. Yeah, that's right. Exterminate the shit out of em. It's for our own safety. Even though it seems we could give a shit less about safety.
These guys. Safetying it up. Even though we don't want safety. We'd rather save the environment. Yep, those who buy minicars are trading off a mangled earth for the possibility of a mangled body. Here's a fun little experiment: the Insurance Institute of Highway Safety packed their cute little dummies into a Smart Fortwo, whatever the fuck that is, and smashed it into a Mercedes C-Class sedan, sending the Smart airborne where it spun out of control, leaving our little dummy friends battered and bruised.
Nice hair you asshole. This jerkfuck. Phil, you goddamn waste of hair spray. He was convicted of murder. Some drunk, struggling actress at his home back in 2003. 2003? Why are you still in this country Phil Spector? Why didn't you fucking go somewhere else? Like South America or move in with Roman Polanski? You thought you would get away with it? No one gets away with murder. Well, maybe...
Ok, that was obvious. But what about this guy...
Or even this one...
Who got away with murdering...
Woops, wrong Barney...
There he is. Was. Why was he killed? Because he was sticking his Rubble in this gal...
Yep. But we've gotten off track. I've gotten you off track. Us. We need to get back to...Who kind of looks like this guy...
Ok, moving on.
Captain Crunch sales are up. Kidding. Well, they might be but that's not what this is about. It's about...
This guy. "Yay, I'm free! Thank God it's finally ov...what? AGAIN!"
What What! Pirates at it again? Those pesky high seas travelers have hijacked four ships, taking over 60 crew members hostage. Each boat carries a possible ransom of $1 million. So that's...let's see. Hold on, getting out the calc. Four ships. $1 mill each. Uh...
Aw, look at the cute little bunny. Come here little bunny. OH SHIT LOOK OUT FOR THAT...
Intoxicated bicyclist. Yep, that's right. Studies show that one in five New York City bicyclists who died over the past decade had alcohol in their body. The other four just had drunk parents who never taught them how to ride a goddamn bike properly. Oh, and one of them was this guy...
Oh Ray Charles, you're so crazy.
Not as crazy as people who go to school for a thousand years so they can spend the rest of their life sticking their fingers up people's asses. The guys over in Seattle don't like sticking their fingers in people's asses. They've opted out of that scenario. Instead, they've developed a new drug, called Provenge, which would kick prostate cancer's ass, pun intended. The FDA isn't sure about this. One of the side effects is rectal bleeding every time someone farts. Kidding. That would be ridiculous. Just like...
There he is.
And there they are. Where do you think you're going illegal immigrants? Nowhere. Unless you're already here. Yep, Obama is thinking again. You rapscallion, Obama. So, he wants to legalize the status of illegals who have already set up shop in the USofA. But he's opposing employers from bringing over temporary illegal workers. Sorry...
and...
and of course...
Which was produced by...
Yep. And that's all the news that's fit to suck.
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