Hey, where do you think you're going? Nowhere. Those Somali pirate fucks recaptured the American boat captain last night after he jumped off the lifeboat and tried to escape. "We wanted to let him go, because he's a really nice guy and all, but it would just make us look bad if we did. So, we had to take a stand," said one of the Somali pirates. Nooooo. Pirates don't talk that civilized. Luckily, Obama is getting regular updates so he can continue sitting in his office doing absolutely nothing about it.
He's doing something about spending more of our money over in Iraq. He just asked Congress for $83.4 billion. Fuck! And I thought asking my dad for twenty bucks was fucking suicide. This guy, who didn't even want a war to begin with is asking for money to support something he didn't even agree with when Bush asked for it two years ago. But because he's doing it, we should all feel safe and cozy and roast marshmallows.
Not for you Georgie. Sorry. Nothing you've ever done has ever made us feel like the world is made of lighting bugs and cotton candy. Except for when you stopped being president. Obama could rape a small boy and everyone would think it was just the most wonderful thing in the world.
No.
CHRIST!
No, that wasn't an invitation. Fuck, can we just get back to the news? Thanks.
Some guy that isn't this guy...
(smug fuck) shot a 7-under 65 during the opening-round of the Masters in Augusta. I don't know what the fuck 7-under 65 means and I really don't give a shit, but apparently it's a big goddamn deal so congratulations Chad Campbell.
Congratulations Boston hospital for placing some dead guys face on some other guys face who isn't dead but wished he was until getting that dead guys face. This is the nation's second face transplant. The first occurred for this guy
And in other news, researchers have just learned that the left hand reaches the brain first. This of course only applies to those who are missing a right hand. Actually, what this really means is that when someone undergoes a hand transplant, the brain syncs up faster with the left than with the right. Something to think about when you're about to
Which is good because as the recession rises, so do the amount of vasectomies. And this guy...
is happy about that. But this guy...
this guy is not. And either is...
So. Fucking. Gross. Fuck!Speaking of fuck...
Bush and gang are havin' a little thrown down reunion party next week in Dallas. This bitch will be there...
And this bitch...
And this little bitch...
And of course...
But not...
Or...
And since she won't...
He most likely will. Especially if...
They're there. Which most likely means...
will be there, too. And possibly...
And that's all the news that's fit to suck. Goodnight everyone!
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