Monday, April 20, 2009

Today's Attractions: April 21, 2009

This guy's got the right idea. Because his life sucks. And he knows it. So, he did something about it. He tried to do something about it before the stock market decided to drop on Monday. For the past six weeks, he probably thought his luck was turning around. "We've locked in profits!" he was heard whispering on Friday to his wife and then to his wife on the side but not to his mistress because he didn't want to give her any of it. Now, he's not saying anything. Just kind of swinging back and forth while his friends try to figure out ways to do the same thing without coming off like copycats. Because they have doubts about the banks' profit reports. They think it's just a mask. A mask for more debt. So maybe now's the time to buy stock in nooses.

Walk out. Monday. UN Meeting. Be there. Yep, some European diplomats got the fuck out of dodge on Monday because of this guy...

"Hello." Look at him. Like a little kid who just got caught stealing a cookie before dinner. No, Achi! And stop whining about the Jews. Fuck. Give it a goddamn rest already. "We didn't want to sit there and listen to him go on and on about how the Holocaust was just a front for Palastinian victimization," one UN member is quoted as saying. "Plus, it was so goddamn hot in there." Ok, we get it. You hate the Jews. And think they're responsible for everything that's gone wrong in this world. Like war. And poverty. And Heathe Ledgers death. Achi is a huge Heathe Ledger fan. "I saw 10 Things I Hate About You over ten times. Guilty!" he said. Maybe we should just not invite him to anymore UN meetings.

Oh. Look at me. My birthday was yesterday. But I'm dead so, you'll just have to throw a party without me. Happy Birthday you fuck. He does not look happy about being a day older. He'd be 120 years old had he not committed suicide after destroying an entire race of people. If he were alive though. If he were able to accept a birthday gift, I'll tell you what I would have gotten him. This...

Fuck Barbara Streisand, where have you been lately?

Where do you think you're going? To jail. That's right mother fucker. Wipe that goddamn grin off your face. So, this is the lone survivor of the Somali pirate crew who hijacked that redneck ship last week and took that captain guy with the beard hostage. He thinks it's funny that these are the first piracy charges in the US in more than a century. He's hiding something. Like more piracy problems. Wait, I know that guy. I saw him down on Canal street selling illegal copies of Pirates of the Caribbean 4: Give it up Johnny Depp and Baby Mama 2: Really, Tina Fey? His mom, the pirate's not Johnny Depps', is pleading to our lord and savior to pardon her son. That it was just part of a stupid hazing ritual. "You know how teenagers are. They just want to be accepted. And he really wanted to be a part of this pirate brigade. His father was a pirate. His father's father was a pirate. It's his legacy," his mom said to her make believe hand puppet.

Speaking of make believe, Obama thinks there's just an endless amount of money he can keep handing out to people. He's proposing to loan the International Monetary Fund $100 billion. Ok. Sure. So now we're just making up numbers. Why stop at $100 billion? Why not make it an even trillion? It's just paper. We can always print more. Apparently, it's supposed to help everyone out in the world and make everything right as rain. My guess is that it will just lead to more of this...

Speaking of human evolution...

You damn dirty fucks! So, guess what's cooking? Chimps. Yep. Turns out, according to some guy I've never heard of and most likely, non of you have ever heard of either, humans evolved because chimps starting watching the Food Network more. No, that didn't even exist back then. But seriously, it's proposed, just like Obama is proposing to give $100 billion to the IMF. Remember that gem above? Anyway, yeah, so it's proposed that our large brains and human like shape evolved from ingesting a rich diet. That once those clever chimps starting playing with fire, cooking their food gave them more energy. Which made them stronger. And smarter. And obsessed with cooking until finally, they evolved into this...

No Paula Dean. Bad.

Friends, good. Not the show. Well, it was and then went way down hill after Chandler and Monica starting becoming more than friends. And then...

happened. The complete first season? Why is this an option? Who put this together? And I thought it got canceled mid show. Anyway, a new study suggests that friends can help us fight depression and illness, slow aging and prolong life. In fact, word on the science street is that during a 10 year study in Australia, older people with a larger circle of friends were 22% less likely to die during the study than those who were alone. So, utterly alone. This makes sense. I mean, just look at how friends have really made an impact on all of us...

Oh, wait. What about...

Wooops. They're not even speaking. Hold on. Here...

and...

No? Right. Ok, well, there's...

and...wait, even I know that's just, oh, they're back together? Well, that's just kind of not necessary.

There. Now, that's friendship. True friendship. Moving on...what? One more? Ok. What do we have?


and...

Ok. Very funny.

Ok. Not very funny. Goddamnit Craigslist killer. Using something we've come to love and enjoy over the years as a tool for murder. This is why we can't have nice things. So, everyone the alleged killer knows is all up in arms over how this can't be. He didn't do it. He's such a nice guy. He would never hurt a fly. Really? This is the argument. He would never hurt a fly? How many times have we heard this shit?

Exactly. He was a peaceful guy. Look at him. Looks like he would never hurt a fly. He killed six people and wounded seven. Because a dog told him to.

Look at this guy. Good lookin fella. Quiet and kept to himself. He would never hurt a fly. Yeah, Ted Bundy murdered over 30 young women in the 70's.

Really Jason? You want in on this too? Fine. Yeah, he was quiet. Just wanted to be loved until he drowned at camp. Because his mom never taught him how to swim before sending him off to summer camp. And as we all know, every goddamn summer camp comes with a lake. So, yeah, he died and we all saw how that turned out. Not good. And so, on this murderous note, that's all the news that's fit to suck.

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