Thursday, April 30, 2009

Today's Attractions: May 1, 2009

Look at the guy on the left. Middle row. What is he looking at? His life slipping away. And Obama looks like he's trying to play a video game with an invisible remote control. He's not. He's announcing that Chrysler is about to enter an alliance with Fiat. "I would never actually drive a Fiat," Obama stated before telling the Asian guy next to him to lighten the fuck up. "But if it will keep Chrysler from bleeding the government dry, I'm all for it. Besides, I've got more important things to worry about. Like figuring this shit out...

For a guy stuck on an island and time traveling all over the goddamn place, he sure knows how to keep a neatly trimmed beard. So, yeah, Wednesday night. What the fuck? If you haven't seen it yet, I'm about to spill it's guts all over the page, so close your eyes or scroll down or go watch it already because Jesus fucking Christ! So, Faraday comes back to the island and knows every little detail that's happening or about to happen or should happen, down to the last millisecond, until he comes into contact with Jack and then he's all "Why the fuck are you here?" And Jack's all, "Why do you think? To fuck shit up like I always do." Which causes Faraday to run all over the goddamn island, stopping this and starting that, all trying to find his mommy who we find out is the one who, along with Widmore, gets his ass to go to the island in the first place all so she can blow her own son away at the end even though she doesn't know he's her son until he says, "I'm your son." And then he dies.

Jesus fuck! What the shit is happening? Some car tried to plow over the Dutch royal family on Thursday, but crashed into a stone monument instead, killing four spectators and eventually himself, injuring 13 and ruining at least 30 pair of pants. "Goddamnit, I just bought these pants," one spectator admitted. The driver is said to be 38 years old with no history of mental illness but with an extreme history of being an asshole.

Speaking of assholes. Here's one. "Hey, I'm separating from my wife even though she's hot and played one hell of a drug addict in Forrest Gump while I was playing one in real life." Penn has requested joint legal custody of their kids and this...

I had a friend who actually owned that hat. And wore it. In public. Notice the word had in the first sentence.

This guy didn't have swine flu until that doctor removed his mask and now, yep, he's got swine flu. It seems...

these guys, or angry pig pushers as I like to call them, are all crying over the name swine flu because it's confusing people into thinking they can catch it by eating pork products, causing some countries to stop importing delicious hot dogs and other pork related food items. The Jews and Muslims are all boo hoo over it because the reference to pigs is offensive to their kosher diets. I don't really see that being a good reason to change the name, but at least the Jews and Muslims are in agreement over something. Ok, well, on this note...NAMING CONTEST!!! The CDC is holding a Swine Flu Naming Contest Friday. So far, the CDC has received over 400 submissions from all across the world. Here are just a few:

These guys came up with "Mexican Flu." Just sort of got to the point with that one.

Loves "Jew Flu" even though they have nothing to do with it but according to him, they have everything to do with anything horrible and wrong.

Went with "Mi So Fucked" flu.

Wants to call it the "Finally something you can't blame on me" flu.

Suggested the "Everybody panic" flu.

Is going for "Time to make more babies" flu.
Thinks the "Utter Failure" flu is a winner.

Submitted "Sorry, you're on your own on this one" flu.

"Spider pig" flu.

The "Please stop stalking me" flu.

How about "Get ready for another one of my shitty movies" flu.

She liked the "Fake funded" flu.

The "What you talkin' bout" flu.

The "Guess what, I'm a Goddamn Lesbian" flu.

The "Please put me out of my misery" flu. And finally...

"Crap, I look like Kirstie Alley" flu.

"I'm out." Yep, this guy's done with the Supreme Court. "I don't want to work for a black president," Souter never stated because that would be defamation but we all know it's what he's thinking. Souter has been on the stand since 1990, when...

THIS JUST IN!!! Piglet has been brutally murdered. It is not clear yet on who is behind the slaying, but sources are pretty sure it's this guy...

Goddamnit Hugh Downs.

Good news! Because God hasn't stuck his foot up our asses enough lately, now he's spreading his wrath by spreading wildfires across the South and West. Wildfire experts, or arsonists as they were referred to as when they were children, predict this summer is going to be full of fire-roasting marshmallow goodness. "If you love smores, you'll love the drought stricken areas of the south and southwest," one fire expert stated while grabbing a bag full of graham crackers at the grocery store. There have been 32,000 fierce flames since Jan. 1. And roughly 150 hoping to get married in New Hampshire soon. HEY OH!

See ya. The 89-year-old former Nazi death camp guard will soon be wheelchaired out of his Cleveland home and deported. When asked how he felt about his past finally catching up with him, Demjanjuk stated, "I don't even remember what I had for breakfast." After a good chuckle from the press, it was revealed to him that he had a bagel, to which Demjanjuk immediately erupted with hateful Jewish remarks.

Speaking of hating the Jews, this guy apparently did not. Recent documents support the claim that FDR was actually fond of the latke loving people, revealing that he worked quietly to find save havens for European Jews. "This changes everything," some random Jew, who has no political association with anything and in fact, we think he's just a 40 year old bag boy at Kroger, said while on break. Who cares. He might have tried to cheat the Nazis out of killing the Jews but he still cheated on his beloved Eleanor.

Oh, right.

Oh, shit! Where are you George Zinkhan? Authorities found his red Jeep not far from his home. One of the FBI agents in charge of the investigation stated, "We found his jeep, but he's not in it. So, basically, if the jeep committed the murder, we'd be in business, but, yeah, that's not really the case, so..." Authorities thought they had caught him on Friday, but it turned out to be this guy...

And, on a flu filled news day...
Yep, that's all the news that's fit to suck. Hope you survive the weekend.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Today's Attractions: April 29, 2009

"Hey esse, your problemo." Goddamnit Mexico. What are you good for? All you do is create problems. Like trafficking drugs and people and diseases into our country. Not since The George Lopez Show has the world had to suffer through such harsh excruciating agony. So far there have been 152 deaths. All Mexican. Which means 152 less people to beat the fuck out of after they try to plant themselves in California or Texas or wherever the fuck they plan on passing as citizens. Dr. Keiji Fukuda, the deputy director general of something important or else he wouldn't be quoted said, “Because the virus is already quite widespread in different locations, containment is not a feasible option. Basically, we're all pretty fucked right now."

"Hmmmm." Thinking long and hard about his race views, Obama finally admitted that in an all out match, black people would definitely win against white people. "We're just faster," Obama stated while duct taping Biden's mouth shut. "We've been running for years from whitey. Face it, we're just good at it." This is all made up. In all honesty, two-thirds of the public perceive race relations as being generally good. "Attendance has been kind of down ever since O'bama took office," one KKK member stated while placing a mask over his hood. "Swine flu." There are still some racial dividers. Blacks still believe whites have a better chance of not fucking up their lives and 34 percent of white people believe the country is headed in the right direction as opposed to 70 percent of black people. 100% of mulattos think all Americans are just fucking retarded because, seriously, the guy isn't even full black or white. So, let's just cut the race shit and see if the fucker can run our goddamn country.

Splashy splashy. These guys are headed for Iowa. Right after they gay it up in the water with each other. Another state that most people forgot existed has agreed to let gay people marry each other. "Why the fuck should we care if gay people marry each other?" One Iowa resident said. "Not like we got anything else going on here. Fuck, swine flu won't even come to Iowa." Ok, enough with swine flu jokes. Maybe. The courts were relatively quiet as protesters stayed home. "We didn't want to catch it," one ignorant fuck stated while letting his dog lick ice cream off his chest. Iowa can now make gay jokes along with Massachusetts and Connecticut. Vermont is waiting until September to let people who love each other legally spend the rest of their lives together. California tried it out for six months but like most college girls, decided it just wasn't for them.

"Even I can't save these people," Spiderman stated while trying to get hit by a car. But hey, at least Florida is looking out for their unemployed. Not really. Actually, they're refusing stimulus money. "Sure we've been hammered by the recession. Like really fucked in the ass hardcore by it," one republican legislator stated while driving his Rolls Royce. "I mean, between the collapse of the real estate market, an unemployment rate of 9.7 percent and those goddamn hurricanes, we're in pretty bad shape. But accepting more money to help everyone out? Not gonna happen. Not under my watch. This is Florida. Not fucking North Korea." Whatever that means.

Hey hobbit. Where the fuck did you come from? Scientists are mystified by the tiny hominid that once occupied the Indonesian island of Flores. "This is going to keep me up at night," one scientist admitted late one night. Discovered six years ago by some drunk frat guys hazing another drunk frat guy, scientists continue to be baffled by the extinct little people's origins, transformations and where the hell they wandered off to. "I think little people is kind of degrading," Sean Astin, a hobbit in Peter Jackson's excruciatingly long epic Lord of the Rings said while trying to reach a cookie out of a cookie jar. Some scientists believe the hobbits evolved into new species in Asia while others just don't give a shit.

Whoa, hold up. If you're thinking of throwing away those ovaries. Think again. A new study, newer than the last study that determined that removing your ovaries would actually allow you to live longer, is now confirming, no, this is actually not the case. Sure, tossing those reproductive glands into the trash has proven to reduce the risk of breast and ovarian cancer. But, BUT, sorry, it can also increase your risk of being ravaged by heart disease. So, you pick. "Yeah, to be honest, we really don't know what the fuck we're doing," one doctor admitted while constantly making the buzzer go off during an intense game of Operation. "I mean, this study basically rapes the past 35 years of gynecology teaching."

So, this is a real video game. "Faith Fighter." Why haven't I heard of this? God shoots bolts of lighting at Muhammad who summons a burning black meteorite. Fuck yeah! "Fuck no!" says some influential Islamic group who is obviously bad at video games. "Yeah, so what? All you do is press buttons. There's no skill involved. I got beat by this six year old fuck who just kept smashing the remote with his foot. He had no arms. I mean, it's no Double Dragon." A game that was meant to curb intolerance is said to be creating more. "God fucking Ganesh in the ass?" another influential Islamic group member stated while sipping on Hi-C. "Come on, that doesn't help erase intolerance. It creates it." One of the makers of the game is quoted as responding with his opinion, "Uh, God fucking Ganesh in the ass? That's not even a move dude."

Hey, where the fuck are you going? "To the Democratic Party, bitch!" That's right, long time Republican, Arlen Specter has decided to turn his liver encrusted back on the elephants and join forces with the donkeys. "They just know how to party, ya know?" Specter quoted while downing a fifth of Vodka and then slapping a hooker. "Oh, and my chances of winning as a Democrat are much better than as a Republican. Sure it shows absolutely no loyalty on my part, but what do you expect, I work for the government." Around 10:25 a.m. on Tuesday, an aide passed a note to Obama, while giggling, during his briefing that simply said, "We got Specter." Obama crushed the note in his hand and ripped off his shirt screaming, "Soon we will own everyone!" And then he calmly sat down and paid his respects to this woman...

Oh Bea Arthur, you made the 80's my golden years. Even though I hadn't even reached double digits in age yet. But still, your hoarse, raspy voice, fluffy ball of white hair and outlandish wardrobe choices that only a blind cult leader would choose made whatever night you came on a night worth reeking havoc so I could stay up past my bedtime. You will be missed. And so will all those apparent naked pictures of you that have been circulating over the past three decades.

After laughing uncontrollably for 47 minutes over the word "behind", former president George W. Bush drank a glass of apple juice and went to bed. Meanwhile, his replacement is trying to figure out ways to close the gap between white test scores and minority test scores. Although scores have increased for blacks and Hispanics over the past few years, the same can be said for whites. "Sure, it's cool that the minorities are doing better and obviously the act is working, but the goal was to make sure white kids did not achieve any sort of positive progression," somebody said somewhere otherwise this really wouldn't be a news worthy story.

"Shut your goddamn mouth!" this guy told his Mr. Ed. As horses try to figure out ways to escape their prison pens before Saturday's Kentucky Derby, owners are scrambling to hide what medications they're injecting into their suffering stallions. Although steroids have been prohibited, the United States still doesn't really give a shit when it comes to the medication policies for thoroughbreds. And either do most of the horse's owners. In fact, out of 20 of them, only 3 have decided to share their horse's medical records. The horses have been told to keep their goddamn mouths shut. Accept one horse who retired years ago and thought it would be cool to out every other horse who was illegally beefing themselves up for the race. "Look, I did it. We all did it. How do you think we all ran so goddamn fast? You think my neck's this big because I'm purebred?" Of course, most Americans are shocked over this. Most didn't even know the Kentucky Derby still existed.

Is this guy crowd surfing in a suit? No. He just got released from prison. Some judge said it was cool for him and three other high-ranking Lebanese security officials to taste sweet freedom. They were being holed up because some prime minister, Rafiq Hariri was killed in 2005 and they were said to be behind the assassination. In 2005 I was too busy not watching the news or reading the news or listening to people talk about the news and saying "well, that's news to me" to even know who that guy was or that this happened. But this guy, the guy crowd surfing his ass off, he knew about it. And now he and I will never forget about today. But for completely different reasons. Mine is because of the number 100.

"We have been fucking with people with absolutely no chance of ever allowing this thing to make sense for 100 episodes," Evangeline Lilly screamed at Matthew Fox while on the set of Wednesday night's Lost. Yep, Wednesday marks Lost's 100th episode. And we still have no idea what the shit is happening. Well, wait, we know that they are traveling back in time even though it's still considered linear time to them and that everything they do has already happened even though they are experiencing it for the first time. Oh, and Ben just can't kill John Locke. Ok, I guess there's another reason why the number 100 is significant today.

"Yep, I know I'm better than everyone." It's his 100th day in office. Which means Biden is shitting his pants that he hasn't said something so outlandishly stupid that he hasn't been fired yet.

Too late. And on this note, that's all the news that's fit to suck.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Today's Attractions: April 27, 2009

Oh, isn't he cute? Just spreading this and fucking up that left and right. Fuck cows and birds. God's picking pigs now in an attempt to rid his biggest mistakes off this spinning ball of hell. "They seem so damn proud of themselves with their stupid fucking 'when pigs fly' saying that I figured, why not really fuck them over with it," God stated during a chess match with the Devil. Meanwhile, we're all getting shot up with vaccines in case some asshole from Mexico boards a plane and sneezes on some poor slob who then coughs on another poor slob who has sex in the airport bathroom with another poor pathetic desperate slob and so on and so on until we all end up looking like this...

Woops, wrong picture. I meant like this...

No, that's just a typical Monday morning. In light of our new unfortunate pigstye, good news on Wall Street. Face mask stocks shot up. And, instead of getting all Debbie Downer over this whole situation, Americans are adapting pretty well. In fact, face masks have become quite fashionable. From the understated...

To high-end Madison Avenue...

To just plain ridiculous...

That guy is ready for flu season.

Hey, who the fuck are you and are you thinking about which style of mask suits you best? Nooooo, not this guy. Mahmoud Abbas. He's the Palestinian Authority president, whatever that means. So, is he the president or just the authority on presidential matters? In any case, he is not in agreement with this guy...

"Zey neva are." I don't know why I gave him a German accent. In any event, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is demanding that Israel be recognized as a Jewish State. But Abbas isn't having it. He's furious over the name request, actually. "I don't give two shits what you call it," he said while eating tapioca pudding and watching old reruns of WKRP in Cincinnati. "Just don't call it that. Call it The Jew Republic or the Hebrew Socialist Republic. Ooooh, oooh, what about, oh, you're going to love this. You should call it Hebrew Nation. That so sounds like a reality TV show." Netasnyahu or however the hell you say it is adamant about becoming a state. "Look, we're sick of these fucking bastards. The arguing. The fighting. The killing. Ech, it's enough already. The sooner they recognize us as the national state of the Jewish people, the sooner we can finally separate ourselves and destroy the shit out of them. And stop hogging all the pudding, Abbas!" Nebechenezzer said before knocking Abbas pudding out of his hand.
Yeah, speaking of out of hand. You are you crazy fucking psycho. Shooting your wife and two other men outside a theater in Athens, Georgia on Saturday. What the hell were you thinking? You're a marketing professor for Christ sakes. And he left his two kids in the car while he did it. Then calmly strolled back to the car and drove his kids to a neighbors house where he kissed them on the foreheads and went God knows where after that. "I actually don't know," God stated on Sunday, his only day off. "I can't keep up with every little thing you fuckers do all damn day long. He's definitely not in Mexico. I can tell you that." Authorities believe he might be in Amsterdam where he teaches part time. Or dead. One or the other. One of Crazy's students was quoted as saying, "This is shocking. I mean, sure he looked kind of maniacal with that crazy mustache and shit. I mean, what was that all about? Does he not own a mirror? But yeah, he was always kind of weird and going on about how his wife was cheating on him and how one day he would get even, possibly in front of a theater right here in Athens, but other than that, he seemed normal."

"Woops, sorry bout that," one White House official said Monday afternoon. Yeah, so some Air Force photographers wanted to take some pictures of New York City above the harbor, which meant flying this AirForce One look-a-like plane over the city, along with two F-16 fighters, scaring the shit out of half the city, causing them to panic, evacuate and in some cases, riot. "You should have seen their goddamn faces," Bloomberg stated high atop his golden throne made from the tears of Filipino children. Obama was not pleased with the situation at all. "How dare them do such a thing around the site of the World Trade Center catastrophe...and not invite me." Luckily, everything has returned to normal and everyone is sorry for terrorizing an entire city for no apparent reason.

Yeah, you two should have been killed years ago. Thanks FDA for finally understanding that this world already has enough retards fucking shit up. That maybe idiots shouldn't be giving birth to more idiots. So, if you're seventeen and getting plowed by a different dick every night, good news. Now, you can walk up to a counter and buy yourself the morning-after pill without doctor's permission. "Look, they're gonna fuck. And we can't stop them. So, at least we can stop them from producing offspring as pointless as they are," one FDA spokesperson stated while showing her daughter how to swallow the goddamn pill. This, of course, is going to anger a bunch of anti-abortion advocates. And, naturally, this guy...

Why do you still have a show Maury Povich?

"Hey, I'm not eating shit." Because that's going to get you out of jail. The Iranian-American journalist was imprisoned in late January for buying a bottle of wine. And working illegally without a press card. And spying. So, to show how unsatisfied she is with this whole situation, she's refusing to eat. Her father says she's in good spirits despite losing 10 pounds. "I mean, yeah, she's escalating tensions between Iran and America after they've finally come around to being diplomatic towards one another after 30 years of tension. And yeah, she's hallucinating like a son-of-a-bitch, thinking she's the second coming of Jesus, prancing around her cell, giving lectures to people who aren't there and gnawing on the wall like it was a goddamn steak dinner, but overall, I think she's doing the right thing."

See ya. Nice knowing you. Don't let the government fuck you on the way out. So, Pontiac's pretty much done. I thought they were already done. I didn't know anyone actually still left the house with the idea of buying a Pontiac. "Well darlin', it's your sixteenth birthday. What kind of car do you want?" "I want a Pontiac, daddy!" Well, you're not getting one. And about 21,000 US factory workers are going to be exiting the lot along with the automobile that's been running for the past 83-years. But, we can all breathe a sigh of relief. The government has already loaned our hard earned money, including some from the 21,000 who are about to be driven off a cliff, to the struggling automobile company. And if $15.4 billion wasn't enough, GM's about to receive an additional $11.6 billion from Mr. Government. "Thanks USA for my fancy new GM car! Too bad my daddy can't pay for any gas because he's broke and unemployed." Don't worry Suzie, you'll sleep better at night knowing all those GM CEOs and Presidents and Vice Presidents still have their jobs and plenty of money to boot, thanks to the Federal Government. And on that note, since it's Monday and I wasn't even going to do this anyway, that's all the news that's fit to suck.