Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Atrocious Apparel


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Why is this an option? What the shit? Are you fucking serious? This guy needs to be gutted and turned into someone else's poorly picked wardrobe. Not even Carlos, the Colombian at my work could pull this off. And he pulls off some pretty outlandish clothing combinations. But no, sorry Carlos, even this would get you deported back to Cokeville.

Which I'm sure this guy was on when he agreed to pose for this asinine photography session. Or the person who stitched this together. How did that even go? Asking this warlock to piece himself together and leave his ditch for a second so that American Apparel can sell some shitty knits.

"Yeah, we kind of need you to wear this for our shoot."
"What? Are you goddamn serious? I don't even think this qualifies as a shirt."
"Uh, yeah, well, I don't think you really qualify as human...so, yeah, we're gonna need you to strap it on and act like it's something you would have in your closet."
"But I don't even own a closet. I'm not even sure what sex I am."
"Yeah, that's kind of the appeal. So, could you wash the cum off your chest and let us put this on you?"

I hope he got whatever sexual parts he was born with completely smashed to bits when he stopped for a 5 minute smoke break and decided to test the waters outside by...



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Uh, ok? What the fuck? Where are his sleeves? Did he forget them? He does know that he looks like a fucking shithead? What would happen if I wore this to work? In the middle of a meeting. Just, leaning back in my chair, sipping coffee, acting like nothing's out of the ordinary. That I'm not wearing a fucking hoodie sans the goddamn sleeves.
"What's everyone staring at?"
"Uh, why do you think you can get away with wearing something like that?" My boss would ask.
"You mean to work?"
"I mean, in life. You're fired. For wearing that. In case you were wondering. It's for showing up today and wearing that."

I would deserve it. I would fucking deserve to...



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Really? Because the solid gold comedy hour that's strapped to your upper body isn't enough, but the decision to NOT wear anything underneath is completely mentally stable. Does this asshole work for some fairyland mob boss in rainbowville alley? He's gonna go wack...



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YOU AGAIN? AND NO SLEEVES? JESUS H.

Sorry...where was I?

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Oh yeah, this guy...Homo Hitman. He's about to wack...

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Oh what the hell? What the hell? Did this guy just shit his pants or is he retarded? Just a little bit. Or maybe a lot. Tons of retard. Just layered in retard because he's not pulling it off by himself. He needs...

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What...What is this? What is...not even sure anymore. Not even...

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Uh...what do I...? What do I do about this? It's just...What could anyone possibly be thinking when they made/posed/bought/thought this up?
"I want it to be pink. But stupid pink. Like, the gayest fucking pink that not even the most frilly of girls would wear, pink. And I want it placed on some jackass who looks like he knows he's hit rock bottom.

Like this guy...
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Rainbow dyke over here. Did someone just try and hit him for effect?

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God, him again. This. Fucking. Nightmare. All of them. Fucking nightmares. I'm gonna stop. I can't do this anymore. It's just too...





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This guy. Trying to look tough. "Im gonna try and look tough in this one guys? Cool. Is it cool if I try to look tough?" No. You can't. Because you're not.


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But this guy is. So. Cracked. Out. He wasn't when they found him. They made him that way. For effect. "We want you to look like you shouldn't be alive anymore. We want..."

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Ok. We get it. You're in charge. In charge of the sleeveless brigade. Leading the pact of wardrobe malfunctioned idiots. Just prancing around in a winter wonderland of faggatry, twirling and...

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I hate you.

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Despise you.

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Feel sorry for you.

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Pray to God for you...

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Especially you...

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Don't even know what to think of you...

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Just speechless for you...

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Not even sure what you are...

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I'm done.

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