Today's Attractions: April 9, 2009

Look at him. So excited about the recession. "Yay recession!" Why? Why would he give two shits about our crumbling economy? Well, here's why. A bad economy helps cut down on CO2 emissions. Yes. This is true. Those big scary conglomerates have been forced to cut back their evil doings. Which means less pollution. Which means less poison. Which means this little guy can run his little heart out. Until the economy gets back on track and then, well, he'll have to get in one of these
Hello 1950's. Hello

Dumbass. Jesus Christ. This guy. This numskull. Ask him to spell potato. Let's have a flashback to the early 90's. The asshole went to North Carolina. To hand out a bronze star. Look at him. Trying to figure out how he got his sleeve caught. And how to get it out without looking like he got his sleeve caught. Just like he's always getting his mouth caught in situations it shouldn't be yapping about. Like telling soldiers how Americans are pretty much ignorant of the troops pain and suffering and nights laying up at night thinking of death and how they miss their limbs. Thanks O'Biden. Thanks for making us look like selfish fucks. Which we are. Because we care more about shit like this
little sweatheart. Look at her. So adorable. This is what we're fighting for. Little miss suicidal. Her girlfriend, because she's apparently bi or gay or really just a robot that's bound to malfunction at any moment now, broke up with her after 2 years. Boo hoo. "Everyone's turning on me." WAAAAAA!! People are losing their jobs. Families are starving. People are dying. You were dealt a pretty hand. Stop being such a fuck up and start

You again? Yeah, look at this guy, Lohan. At least you're not him.

Or the captain of this ship. Because he's having some real problems right now. Being held captive by pirates. Why are we still dealing with pirates? It's 2009. Didn't they die out with scurvy and talking parrots? I guess not. I guess they're back. And they're Somali. They let the other crew members of the Maersk Alabama go but decided to keep the Captain held hostage. In a lifeboat. And now hostage negotiators are trying to get the Captain back. By offering custom-made eye patches and a signed DVD of Pirates of the Caribbean. The pirates don't like Johnny Depp. So, the negotiations are still continuing.

Just like Passover is still going strong. And this guy is really excited about that. "Fuck, yeah! Passover." The week long event kicked off last night as millions of Jewish families around the world celebrated the flee from Egypt by setting out large portions of food on a table and then making their starving kids sit through an hour long reading of the Haggadah before finally eating gelatinous fish and white puffy balls. But by then, they're not even hungry anymore and just want to go to bed. But not before the grand hiding of the Matzah where kids knock over books and furniture and the TV and even each other to find the goddamn Matzah, which when they do, there's another celebration: the grand prize of a measly dollar.

Speaking of celebrating. KA-BOOM! Iran is celebrating Nuclear Day. I didn't know this was an actual holiday. But I guess it is. What do you get someone on Nuclear Day?

Probably this

Or this


Or maybe even this
Because really, who doesn't like Lost? Especially if you love evil terroristic dicators like this guy

Wait, he suffered a stroke, so fuck him. I meant this guy

Kidding. Enough with this picture already. I really meant this guy

Look at that handsome devil. Crazy Mahmoud and his Ahmadinejihading. He's actually talking to the US about his country's nuclear program. But what they're really going to talk about is


But not season 1. Last night's episode. I just reused this picture because it was there. But Mahmoud is a huge fan of Lost. And why shouldn't he be? Its twists and turns and explosive secrets would make any dictator shit his pants in 'holy shit did that just happen?' "I just don't know where they come up with this stuff," the Iranian leader admits. And neither do we. Last night, we found out what happened to Ben after Richard snuck him into the Others' camp which really pissed Charles off. And then Charles got pissed off again when Ben refused to kill a baby and then there was something about how if the island wanted the kid dead, it would have killed it and how Charles couldn't kill the kid even though he ends up doing so years later because Ben was too much of a fuck to walk outside which caused him to return to the island so he could be judged by a smoke monster, which spared him is life, but only if he listened to everything John Locke said. And then Sawyer ran out of toilet paper. Boom. Lost? Exactly. But not dead.

This guy is. Gay porn idol. And now he's dead. At least he lasted long enough to see Vermont legalize gayness.

Damnit Richard Simmons. Not now. Not ever. You'll never be legalized. Just like

You will never be legal, Marijuana. Even though

this is acceptable by lawmakers. And so is

No! I told you. You're not acceptable. You're actually...

Really? You're trying again? No! You're just...

Not acceptable. You're...


Oh, God. Here we go again. And that's all the news that's fit to suck.