Thursday, May 28, 2009

Today's Attractions: May 29, 2009

Daddy, I want one of those. The U.S. wants to live in style, requesting $736 million to construct a brand new U.S. embassy over in Islamabad. "We're serious about our commitment to South Asia," Obama stated while lighting a cigarette with another cigarette. "Plus, fuckin' free place to stay and shit. Who wants to touch me before they leave?" The O-bomb admin is planning other projects in Afghanistan and Pakistan. "We're pretty much going to take over that area of the world. And we already own this part of the world, so technically, our goal is to take over the entire world," one cabinet member stated while licking his fingers and wiping them over Obama's face to remove some dirt. "The only thing that stands in our way from complete domination is China, but we're sending one of our top aids over there today."

And there they go now.

And now it's time for, Hey, That's What I Always Say. Usually, the Secretary of Defense doesn't argue against receiving money for new weapons they don't really need just so they can make their constituents happy, but Secretary of Defense Robert Gates doesn't want new weapons. He thinks this will take money away from programs needed to defend our troops over in No Mans Land right now. So, when asked how he thinks Congress will react to his outspokenness, Gates replied with, "What are they going to do, fire me?" And, that's what I always say.

Cookie C. Monster is taking a leave of absence from Sesame Street so he can continue his interrogation work on al-Qaeda operatives. "They like COOKIES." Yes, but what about sleep deprivation or waterboarding? I hear that was an extemely fun practice. "No, COOKIES." I'm sorry, but I didn't know you had a middle name. "Well, now you do." Let me guess, it stands for Cookie. "No, actually, it stands for Charles." Why are you speaking in a British accent? "Because that's where I'm from. I'm sorry, but I thought we were going to discuss my COOKIE interrogation practices." Yeah, in a minute. When did you become British? "Um, when I was born. Seriously, must I sit through this kind of questioning? I have terrorists to feed." Yeah, we'll get back to that..."I mean, I was able to get Abu Jandal to talk with a handful of sugar-free COOKIES and out of all the other terrorists we captured, he was the closest to Osama." Why sugar-free? "He's diabetic. We show him respect, he talks. It's simple." So, your whole 'I'm a crazy cookie monster is just an act? "Yeah, I'm an actor. Just like I thought you were a journalist, but I guess I was wrong." My entire childhood is a lie. "Yeah, well, life sucks. Want a COOKIE?" Why do you do that? "Do what?" You scream cookie when you say cookie. "I'm a COOKIE monster. That's what I do." Of course.

Hey Jeff Zucker. CEO of NBC Universal. What are you doing here? And why is there a hand without an owner just hanging out on your shoulder? "I don't know whose hand that is, but I'm Jeff Zucker, so fuck it. I make things happen." Yeah, like coming in as the fourth most watched network. "Yeah, it's all part of a bigger plan." Bigger plan? You averaged 4.4 million prime-time viewers last week. "We made history." I don't think that's the kind of history you want to be making. "Look, I'm Jeff Zucker, I make things happen." You already said that. "We've teamed up with Hulu. That's going to prove to be huge for us in the future. Fuck TV. Internet is where it's out. Yo, I want to give a shout out to Brandon Tartikoff up in the Hizzy Heaven. Taught me everything I know." (pounds fist to his chest. Twice.) Yeah, well, obviously not enough. Brandon managed to turn NBC around. "And that's what I'm doing with Hulu...eventually. I'm Jeff Zucker..." Yeah, you get things done. "Look, I've got more to deal with than Brandon did. He didn't have all these cable networks and Facebook and video games taking up his viewers' prescious time." No, he just had to deal with cancer...while running a network. "Look, I know everyone thinks Seinfeld was like the holy grail of comedy, but if it was on today, I don't think it would be as popular. Yo, you got any yay on you?" What? "Yay yo, you know...nose candy. Cocain." No. "Just wait, things are gonna get..."

"What do you mean we wouldn't have lasted? We would have lasted. There's lasting. Lots of lasting." Oh shit. You're going to start screaming in that shrill voice of yours aren't you? "What's the deal with my voice. Am I angry? Am I excited? Do I have to question every little thing that happens on a daily basis?" I don't kno... "INEXCUSABLE!" What? "JEFF ZUCKER IS INEXCUSABLE!!!" Stop screaming. "What's the deal with screaming? I mean, if everyone stopped screaming, then everyone could be heard. This guy could talk to that guy and still be heard by that guy who is trying to talk to that guy. There'd be no need for screaming. Everyone could just talk and life would be good. It would be great. It would GRAND!" Ok, so you're really just here to take space in this blog. "What's the deal with blogging? I mean everyone is blogging. You're blogging. I'm blogging. THE WHOLE WORLD IS BLOGGING! It's like we're all screaming...VIRTUALLY!" Ok, that's enough.

Woops. So, some mom decided to drive her car into a goddamn preschool in Huntington Beach on Thursday, after dropping her kid off at school. No one was really hurt except the car. "I dun know what happened," the mom said while pissing in an alley and slamming an empty 40 oz. bottle of malt liquor on the ground. "I jus wan..." And she's passed out.


"What's the deal with Spelling Bees? They're not spelling words inside a swarm of bees. I think that would make it more interesting. Give them a word. Release a bee. If they stumble...release more bees. IT JUST MAKES SENSE!!! I played a bee once..."

So, only eleven remain in the 2009 National Spelling Bee. And this girl is not one of them. And it seems this is a pretty intense year. Here, this is a line from a USA Today article: "Rarely has a spelling bee round been this brutal." I don't think I ever thought the words 'spelling bee' and 'brutal' would be used in the same sentence. But it's happened. The article goes into more detail about sad children and let downs and loneliness and suicidal thoughts but I just don't feel like regurgitating the mess that is the 2009 National Spelling Bee.

This mess. "Tee hee. We release notha one." North Korea launched another short-range missile in response to the U.N. Security Council's considerations over holding tough sanctions over the NK's nuclear testing. "We act in self-defense. Provoke us U.N. And U N be sorry. He he he he." That doesn't even make sense. Secretary of Defense, Robert Gates isn't worried. "I'm not doing shit about this. What are they going to do, fire me? We need to focus on what's really important right now. Saving GM."

What is not worth saving are some of California's state parks. Arnold wants to "terminate" ha ha, very funny Huffington Post...anyway, he wants to close 220 state parks to cut the deficit. Doing so could result in...

"I WANT TO SMASH LITTLE TREES." Oh god. "IT WILL BE THEIR END OF DAYS." Ok, very funny. "I WILL ERASER THEIR EXISTENCE." Ok, now you're just using movie's you've been in. "THESE ARE NOT TRUE LIES. I WILL JINGLE ALL THE WAY!" That one doesn't even work. And, what the fuck is on your lip. "Vhat do you mean?" Your lip. Is that herpes? "No, I cut myself to bring fear to little plants as I give them a Raw Deal while going Commando on their photosynthesis asses. I will be their Last Action Hero." Ok, I've had enough of you. "Vait. Vhere are you going? Vhere are you Running...Man?"

Tonight is Jay Leno's last night as the host of the 'Tonight Show'. After 17 years, Jay will hand the job over to Conan on Monday. This is only the third time the show has switched hosts. But he's not entirely retiring. He'll still be on at 10 on NBC...another award-winning move by this guy...

"Fuck you, dude. I'm Jeff Zucker. I make things happen."


Remember him? He had a 'people to kill' list in 'Billy Madison' and we thought it was hilarious. Well, some eleven year old girl also made a 'people to kill' list and authorities aren't finding it so amusing. "She is crazy, but organized," one police officer stated, citing the excel spreadsheet she used to draw up the list. The list was written in the school library under the name "killbook.xls." So, I guess she wasn't going for secrecy. "We think her list was a little pretentious," one of the teachers who was threatened stated. "An excel spreadsheet? Give me a break. A goddamn piece of notebook paper and pencil would have done. That's what I use every year when making my 'children I'd like to kill but can't because I'm not a fucking psycho' list."

No. "I'll be quick. I'll be quick." Fine. "Twins 2. There. I'm done." Yeah, you are.

So, some gay kid was picked as prom queen in an L.A. school. Everyone thought it was a joke. But then he ended up winning. And then winning the hearts of all his classmates. "I just want to be me. So, I told them that. I prepared by watching every high school movie ever made where the dork makes some big grand speech that causes everyone to suddenly change their minds and erupt in joyous, wrongful praise. And it worked! I'm thinking of making my life into a movie: Queen Me, Bitch." I'm thinking I'm sick of doing this. So, yeah, that's all the news that's fit to suck. Have a great weekend.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Today's Attractions: May 27, 2009

"Yay, I'm popular." Yeah you are. You are everywhere these days. Appearing in newspapers. On TV stations. Even being printed on Liberal bed sheets. To be honest, I really don't know shit about this woman and in fact, didn't even know she existed until a few days ago. From what I've read, she's extremely Hispanic, a woman, saved Major League Baseball and hated by Rush Limbaugh. But, then again, who isn't these days. I don't really know where she stands on anything. Some newspapers make her out to be a patron saint of minority activism and others portray her as a racist. Either way, she will never affect me on a personal basis; therefore, I don't give two shits about any of this.

Oh, those crazy North Koreans are up to no good again. They're all "up in arms"...get it? Never mind. Anyway, they're getting all boo hoo over their favorite southern neighbors joining forces with the US in an attempt to stop the NK's from testing their nuclear weapons. "We work hard on blowing up bombs. Those who don't let us do so will be punished. Me like miso soup!" Some guy that represents what the NK's think stated while feasting on a rabid dog. He was unable to comment further. "Oh, bad stomach ache from rabid dog. Me go throw up now."

"I'm sorry. I thought that last bit was extremely racist. I rule in favor of the North Koreans, not because I think they are right, but because you are white and they are not." Moving on.

You're done. Bondholders don't want to trade in their $27.2 billion in unsecured public debt notes for a 10% stake in the company once it's been restructured. One bondholder commented on this decision while eating a slice of pizza in his underwear, "Yeah, I don't even really know what public debt notes...I'm sorry, what am I trading in...?" Unsecured public debt notes. "Exactly, exactly. No. I don't like that word unsecured. Sounds kind of iffy if you ask me." The bondholder then proceeded to make a sad face after the cheese slid off his pizza and dropped on the floor.

Pick a card. Any card. As the recession continues to murder us all senseless, more Americans are having trouble paying their credit card bills which is resulting in lower credit scores. "I don't even remember taking a test," one American stated who shouldn't own a credit card or probably still be alive at this point. Another red, white and blue smartly admitted to, "using my credit card to pay for things I don't need because I can buy a $1,000 flat screen TV and only pay $20 a month for it. It's like it's gradually free." Yep. Probably why we're never going to get out of this mess in the first place.

Headline from USA Today: L.A. cracks down: No more than 10 goats allowed
Ok? Why is this an issue? And why are they cracking down on this? Like they've had meetings on this for awhile. Late night gatherings over coffee in the police station. Mulling over reports. Finalizing a plan. "Fellas, fellas, I know this city is riddled with crime and drugs, but we've got to stay focused. We've got to crack down on those goddamn goats. Now, I only have nine. Hennesy, how many do you have?" "I have six, boss." "Good, good. What about you Mickleson?" "I've got five, boss." "Excellent." "Uh, boss, I got eleven." "Dear God Baxter. We're only allowing ten." "I know. I know. It's the wife. She can't have kids, so they're like her children." "Damnit Baxter, you tell her the law is ten." "I will boss." "TEN!" "Alright boss, but she's not going to be happy." "Well, Baxter, a lot of people aren't going to be happy over the ten goat rule. But we're cops. It's our job to make people unhappy. Now, let's go get those goats."

"Mother fucker, I didn't give him shit." Senator Roland Burris denies that he ever gave former Governor Rod Blago money for Obama's senate seat even though there is a tape recording of Rolly Polly offering Rod money. "You said give him money. You never said anything about offering. Just like...I will offer you money not to print this story." Too late.

Ah, peace and quiet. And alien jizz. Not really. Scientists have found giant blobs of liquid dripping underneath the Great Basin, which consists of small mountain ranges out in Nevada and Utah and other states no one gives a shit about. According to some geo geek, who kept giving us the "live long and prosper" sign after just seeing the new Star Trek movie fifteen times in the past week, "The Earth is so radical. Underneath what we're standing on is the Earth's mantle. Please don't get that confused with the mantle on your fireplace." (Uncontrollable geek laughter and snorting). Anyhoo, the mantle consists of rock which deforms plastically over a very long period of time due to heat and pressure. Are you following me?" No. "In any event, material in the mantle, such as a heavy object will tend to sink through lighter material, thus creating this sort of lithospheric drip. Not to be confused with post-nasal drip." (more uncontrollable geek laughter and snorting and grabbing of the stomach in utter amazement over his own joke). When we asked him how this will affect the Earth, he told us it wouldn't and that this was basically just a gigantic waste of time. Much like this block of copy. Moving forward.

Dork Can't Spell Masturbation. IT'S NATIONAL SPELLING BEE TIME!!! You can catch the action on ESPN 360, a channel no one gets. "I'm just glad to be here," one competitor admitted right before getting his ass kicked by a revolving door. "I just love competition. The adrenaline pumping through me as they give me my word. It's like nothing you've ever experienced." Just like sex will be nothing you'll ever experience.

"Uh, have you seen my pantalones?" No. "I'LL KILL YOU!" Wow. Don't mess with a naked dictator.

"I love you only as much as the courts tell me to." The stupid ass bitch, whose son has cancer, finally agreed to chemotherapy even though it goes against everything she believes in. "We didn't really care about the actual cancer," one judge stated while eating an ice cream sandwich. "We just wanted to prove that we have ultimate control over human beings and can make them do things they don't necessarily believe in. Our ultimate goal is to get Tom Cruise to admit he's gay and stupid." Fortunately, no matter what reason was behind the ruling, the boy will be...

"Yeah! I'm Tom Cruise. I'm so fucking awesome. No one is as awesome as Tom Cruise." Let me guess, you're here because of the gay comment. "No, fuck that. I'm Tom Cruise. Even if I was gay, I'd still be Tom fucking Cruise." So, you are gay. "I never said that." But you said even if you were gay, you'd still be Tom Cruise. "Tom fucking Cruise." Whatever. I'm just saying, you never denied it. "I never not denied it." Ok, I still want to know..."Did you see fuckin Valkyrie?" What? No, I didn't see Valkyrie. "Why not. It fuckin rules! Tom Cruise! Whew!" I didn't want to spend $10 on a movie when I already know the ending to. Your character doesn't succeed. You don't kill Hitler. He kills himself. "Shhh, don't give away the ending." What ending? Everyone knows this. "TOM CRUISE!!!! Hey, what do you do when you're driving on the highway and don't feel like keeping your foot on the gas?" Dear God, really? "What do you do?" Sigh. You use cruise control. "WHEW! Cruise is ALWAYS in control!" Great, now, seriously, can I continue..."Hey, what do you call a vacation that takes place on a boat?" Really? "Vacation on a boat, go!" Fuck, you call it a cruise. Ok? "WHEW!!!" You call it a cruise. Are we done? "A FUCKIN' Cruuuuuise! WHEW! Tom Cruise!" Ok, I'm ignoring you.

This just in, Newt Gingrich is calling Sotomayor a racist...through Twitter. I don't think this should even count. Why is Newt twittering? I mean, it's bad enough Americans are hanging on to every tweet word from idiots like Spears and Kutcher, but now, we've got to...

Goddamnit, what? "Real quick. Real quick. WHEW! Ok, what do you call the GPS company that..." A Tom Tom. I get it. Fucking clever as shit. "FUCKIN TOM TOM CRUISE control in your car. AWESOME! FUCKINNNNNNNNN AWESOME! WHEW!" Are you done? "Scientology bitches!" I'm done for today.

"Wait, I haven't bitched about something in awhile." Fuck. Go ahead. "I got dropped from being in a Gary Marshall movie because apparently the producers think I'm overpriced." Well, aren't you? "Uh, hello, I'm Katherine Heigl. I'm hot and have huge boobies. I'm worth every penny I demand. I'm a saint. I withdrew my nomination from the Emmys last year because I wasn't given any good story lines that would warrant a nom. And look where bitching got me. They gave me cancer. CANCER! You can't buy that kind of writing. Well, I did." But every movie you've been in, aside from 'Knocked Up' has been depressingly terrible. "What about '27 Dresses'?" What about picking a story line that isn't painfully obvious. All your movies are an hour and a half of bullshit romance. You dying of cancer was the greatest thing you've ever done. "What about 'My Father the Hero'?" What about shutting the fuck up.

Wait, what is that bee holding? Is that an explosive device? Anyway. SPELLING BEE UPDATE!!!
Deborah Horton spelled EFFICIENT correctly after asking for the pronunciation, part of speech, for it to be used in a sentence and requesting a small, yet elaborate sketch to be performed involving the word. After a long, drawn out pause, she finally spelled the word correctly. She said she was going for irony. The judges are going for SCREWED as her next word. In any event, this really is said to be the most exciting spelling bee ever.

Wait...wrong picture...

No, hold on...

Shit. Where is it...

That's not it. Crap. hold on...oh, here it is...

No, just a pissed off Asian.

Ah, look at this kid. "Please, no autographs. I need complete concentration. CONCENTRATION. C-O-N-S...

This girl. Playing the crowd. "Calm down. Calm down. Let the master do her bidding..."

Bidding over.

This kid's thirteen. His word was ERECT. He started giggling. Then showed the audience instead of spelling the word. Guess he shouldn't have been standing so close to that pole.

"Hey, North Korea, cut this shit out or prepare to face the consequences."

"You prepare to face my consequences. He he he he he."

"Why aren't you wearing pants?"

"I want to compare penis size. You win. He he he he he he. Korean have small pee pee. American have big balls but teeny weeny boobies."

"Ok, seriously, you are acting like a child. You need to cut this shit out. Threatening South Korea. Testing your missiles. We've been over this..."

"Hey, 'Merica lady, do you want to test my missile? He he he he he."

"I don't think you understand how committed we are to defending South Korea and Japan."

"Oh, I don't think you know how committed I am to standing up right now. South Korea violate armistice from 1953. We not happy bout this. They side with you. We think this unfair. Unfair like body I must stare at every day. Not as unfair as body you must stare at every day."

"We are prepared to stop you at any cost necessary."

"Go 'head 'Merica lady. You try stop us; we blow up everything. We crazy. My body make frowny face at your accusations." Well, I guess we'll see how all this goes. Here to comment on the current situation over on that side of the planet is Korean Mr. Potato Head.

Good evening Korean Mister Potato Head. "Good Evaning to you too Mista American." So, what are your thoughts concerning the North Koreans plight to take over the world? "Me not concerned. Me call their bluff." Really, because I think they're pretty serious. "North Korea always whining about something. But whining stop once new and improved Korean Mister Potato Head hit shelves this August." How is that going to stop the North Koreans from shooting off their missiles? "Because, Korean Mister Potato Head bring joy to girl and boy North or South. Me one thing they can agree on.


"See. Nothing to worry bout. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to shove my body parts in my asshole, give myself colonoscopy." And on that note, that's all the news that's fit to suck. Sayonara.