Oh, isn't he cute? Just spreading this and fucking up that left and right. Fuck cows and birds. God's picking pigs now in an attempt to rid his biggest mistakes off this spinning ball of hell. "They seem so damn proud of themselves with their stupid fucking 'when pigs fly' saying that I figured, why not really fuck them over with it," God stated during a chess match with the Devil. Meanwhile, we're all getting shot up with vaccines in case some asshole from Mexico boards a plane and sneezes on some poor slob who then coughs on another poor slob who has sex in the airport bathroom with another poor pathetic desperate slob and so on and so on until we all end up looking like this...
Woops, wrong picture. I meant like this...
No, that's just a typical Monday morning. In light of our new unfortunate pigstye, good news on Wall Street. Face mask stocks shot up. And, instead of getting all Debbie Downer over this whole situation, Americans are adapting pretty well. In fact, face masks have become quite fashionable. From the understated...
To high-end Madison Avenue...
To just plain ridiculous...
That guy is ready for flu season.
Hey, who the fuck are you and are you thinking about which style of mask suits you best? Nooooo, not this guy. Mahmoud Abbas. He's the Palestinian Authority president, whatever that means. So, is he the president or just the authority on presidential matters? In any case, he is not in agreement with this guy...
"Zey neva are." I don't know why I gave him a German accent. In any event, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is demanding that Israel be recognized as a Jewish State. But Abbas isn't having it. He's furious over the name request, actually. "I don't give two shits what you call it," he said while eating tapioca pudding and watching old reruns of WKRP in Cincinnati. "Just don't call it that. Call it The Jew Republic or the Hebrew Socialist Republic. Ooooh, oooh, what about, oh, you're going to love this. You should call it Hebrew Nation. That so sounds like a reality TV show." Netasnyahu or however the hell you say it is adamant about becoming a state. "Look, we're sick of these fucking bastards. The arguing. The fighting. The killing. Ech, it's enough already. The sooner they recognize us as the national state of the Jewish people, the sooner we can finally separate ourselves and destroy the shit out of them. And stop hogging all the pudding, Abbas!" Nebechenezzer said before knocking Abbas pudding out of his hand.
Yeah, speaking of out of hand. You are you crazy fucking psycho. Shooting your wife and two other men outside a theater in Athens, Georgia on Saturday. What the hell were you thinking? You're a marketing professor for Christ sakes. And he left his two kids in the car while he did it. Then calmly strolled back to the car and drove his kids to a neighbors house where he kissed them on the foreheads and went God knows where after that. "I actually don't know," God stated on Sunday, his only day off. "I can't keep up with every little thing you fuckers do all damn day long. He's definitely not in Mexico. I can tell you that." Authorities believe he might be in Amsterdam where he teaches part time. Or dead. One or the other. One of Crazy's students was quoted as saying, "This is shocking. I mean, sure he looked kind of maniacal with that crazy mustache and shit. I mean, what was that all about? Does he not own a mirror? But yeah, he was always kind of weird and going on about how his wife was cheating on him and how one day he would get even, possibly in front of a theater right here in Athens, but other than that, he seemed normal."
"Woops, sorry bout that," one White House official said Monday afternoon. Yeah, so some Air Force photographers wanted to take some pictures of New York City above the harbor, which meant flying this AirForce One look-a-like plane over the city, along with two F-16 fighters, scaring the shit out of half the city, causing them to panic, evacuate and in some cases, riot. "You should have seen their goddamn faces," Bloomberg stated high atop his golden throne made from the tears of Filipino children. Obama was not pleased with the situation at all. "How dare them do such a thing around the site of the World Trade Center catastrophe...and not invite me." Luckily, everything has returned to normal and everyone is sorry for terrorizing an entire city for no apparent reason.
Yeah, you two should have been killed years ago. Thanks FDA for finally understanding that this world already has enough retards fucking shit up. That maybe idiots shouldn't be giving birth to more idiots. So, if you're seventeen and getting plowed by a different dick every night, good news. Now, you can walk up to a counter and buy yourself the morning-after pill without doctor's permission. "Look, they're gonna fuck. And we can't stop them. So, at least we can stop them from producing offspring as pointless as they are," one FDA spokesperson stated while showing her daughter how to swallow the goddamn pill. This, of course, is going to anger a bunch of anti-abortion advocates. And, naturally, this guy...
Why do you still have a show Maury Povich?
"Hey, I'm not eating shit." Because that's going to get you out of jail. The Iranian-American journalist was imprisoned in late January for buying a bottle of wine. And working illegally without a press card. And spying. So, to show how unsatisfied she is with this whole situation, she's refusing to eat. Her father says she's in good spirits despite losing 10 pounds. "I mean, yeah, she's escalating tensions between Iran and America after they've finally come around to being diplomatic towards one another after 30 years of tension. And yeah, she's hallucinating like a son-of-a-bitch, thinking she's the second coming of Jesus, prancing around her cell, giving lectures to people who aren't there and gnawing on the wall like it was a goddamn steak dinner, but overall, I think she's doing the right thing."
See ya. Nice knowing you. Don't let the government fuck you on the way out. So, Pontiac's pretty much done. I thought they were already done. I didn't know anyone actually still left the house with the idea of buying a Pontiac. "Well darlin', it's your sixteenth birthday. What kind of car do you want?" "I want a Pontiac, daddy!" Well, you're not getting one. And about 21,000 US factory workers are going to be exiting the lot along with the automobile that's been running for the past 83-years. But, we can all breathe a sigh of relief. The government has already loaned our hard earned money, including some from the 21,000 who are about to be driven off a cliff, to the struggling automobile company. And if $15.4 billion wasn't enough, GM's about to receive an additional $11.6 billion from Mr. Government. "Thanks USA for my fancy new GM car! Too bad my daddy can't pay for any gas because he's broke and unemployed." Don't worry Suzie, you'll sleep better at night knowing all those GM CEOs and Presidents and Vice Presidents still have their jobs and plenty of money to boot, thanks to the Federal Government. And on that note, since it's Monday and I wasn't even going to do this anyway, that's all the news that's fit to suck.
Oh, isn't he cute? Just spreading this and fucking up that left and right. Fuck cows and birds. God's picking pigs now in an attempt to rid his biggest mistakes off this spinning ball of hell. "They seem so damn proud of themselves with their stupid fucking 'when pigs fly' saying that I figured, why not really fuck them over with it," God stated during a chess match with the Devil. Meanwhile, we're all getting shot up with vaccines in case some asshole from Mexico boards a plane and sneezes on some poor slob who then coughs on another poor slob who has sex in the airport bathroom with another poor pathetic desperate slob and so on and so on until we all end up looking like this...
Woops, wrong picture. I meant like this...
No, that's just a typical Monday morning. In light of our new unfortunate pigstye, good news on Wall Street. Face mask stocks shot up. And, instead of getting all Debbie Downer over this whole situation, Americans are adapting pretty well. In fact, face masks have become quite fashionable. From the understated...
To high-end Madison Avenue...
To just plain ridiculous...
That guy is ready for flu season.
Hey, who the fuck are you and are you thinking about which style of mask suits you best? Nooooo, not this guy. Mahmoud Abbas. He's the Palestinian Authority president, whatever that means. So, is he the president or just the authority on presidential matters? In any case, he is not in agreement with this guy...
"Zey neva are." I don't know why I gave him a German accent. In any event, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is demanding that Israel be recognized as a Jewish State. But Abbas isn't having it. He's furious over the name request, actually. "I don't give two shits what you call it," he said while eating tapioca pudding and watching old reruns of WKRP in Cincinnati. "Just don't call it that. Call it The Jew Republic or the Hebrew Socialist Republic. Ooooh, oooh, what about, oh, you're going to love this. You should call it Hebrew Nation. That so sounds like a reality TV show." Netasnyahu or however the hell you say it is adamant about becoming a state. "Look, we're sick of these fucking bastards. The arguing. The fighting. The killing. Ech, it's enough already. The sooner they recognize us as the national state of the Jewish people, the sooner we can finally separate ourselves and destroy the shit out of them. And stop hogging all the pudding, Abbas!" Nebechenezzer said before knocking Abbas pudding out of his hand.
Yeah, speaking of out of hand. You are you crazy fucking psycho. Shooting your wife and two other men outside a theater in Athens, Georgia on Saturday. What the hell were you thinking? You're a marketing professor for Christ sakes. And he left his two kids in the car while he did it. Then calmly strolled back to the car and drove his kids to a neighbors house where he kissed them on the foreheads and went God knows where after that. "I actually don't know," God stated on Sunday, his only day off. "I can't keep up with every little thing you fuckers do all damn day long. He's definitely not in Mexico. I can tell you that." Authorities believe he might be in Amsterdam where he teaches part time. Or dead. One or the other. One of Crazy's students was quoted as saying, "This is shocking. I mean, sure he looked kind of maniacal with that crazy mustache and shit. I mean, what was that all about? Does he not own a mirror? But yeah, he was always kind of weird and going on about how his wife was cheating on him and how one day he would get even, possibly in front of a theater right here in Athens, but other than that, he seemed normal."
"Woops, sorry bout that," one White House official said Monday afternoon. Yeah, so some Air Force photographers wanted to take some pictures of New York City above the harbor, which meant flying this AirForce One look-a-like plane over the city, along with two F-16 fighters, scaring the shit out of half the city, causing them to panic, evacuate and in some cases, riot. "You should have seen their goddamn faces," Bloomberg stated high atop his golden throne made from the tears of Filipino children. Obama was not pleased with the situation at all. "How dare them do such a thing around the site of the World Trade Center catastrophe...and not invite me." Luckily, everything has returned to normal and everyone is sorry for terrorizing an entire city for no apparent reason.
Yeah, you two should have been killed years ago. Thanks FDA for finally understanding that this world already has enough retards fucking shit up. That maybe idiots shouldn't be giving birth to more idiots. So, if you're seventeen and getting plowed by a different dick every night, good news. Now, you can walk up to a counter and buy yourself the morning-after pill without doctor's permission. "Look, they're gonna fuck. And we can't stop them. So, at least we can stop them from producing offspring as pointless as they are," one FDA spokesperson stated while showing her daughter how to swallow the goddamn pill. This, of course, is going to anger a bunch of anti-abortion advocates. And, naturally, this guy...
Why do you still have a show Maury Povich?
"Hey, I'm not eating shit." Because that's going to get you out of jail. The Iranian-American journalist was imprisoned in late January for buying a bottle of wine. And working illegally without a press card. And spying. So, to show how unsatisfied she is with this whole situation, she's refusing to eat. Her father says she's in good spirits despite losing 10 pounds. "I mean, yeah, she's escalating tensions between Iran and America after they've finally come around to being diplomatic towards one another after 30 years of tension. And yeah, she's hallucinating like a son-of-a-bitch, thinking she's the second coming of Jesus, prancing around her cell, giving lectures to people who aren't there and gnawing on the wall like it was a goddamn steak dinner, but overall, I think she's doing the right thing."
See ya. Nice knowing you. Don't let the government fuck you on the way out. So, Pontiac's pretty much done. I thought they were already done. I didn't know anyone actually still left the house with the idea of buying a Pontiac. "Well darlin', it's your sixteenth birthday. What kind of car do you want?" "I want a Pontiac, daddy!" Well, you're not getting one. And about 21,000 US factory workers are going to be exiting the lot along with the automobile that's been running for the past 83-years. But, we can all breathe a sigh of relief. The government has already loaned our hard earned money, including some from the 21,000 who are about to be driven off a cliff, to the struggling automobile company. And if $15.4 billion wasn't enough, GM's about to receive an additional $11.6 billion from Mr. Government. "Thanks USA for my fancy new GM car! Too bad my daddy can't pay for any gas because he's broke and unemployed." Don't worry Suzie, you'll sleep better at night knowing all those GM CEOs and Presidents and Vice Presidents still have their jobs and plenty of money to boot, thanks to the Federal Government. And on that note, since it's Monday and I wasn't even going to do this anyway, that's all the news that's fit to suck.
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