Today's Attractions: September 18th 2009

Is it Fourth of July already? Obama has finally decided to blow up Bush's missile-defense system and make it more defensey. "Let's be honest, anything Bush wanted was probably fucking stupid," Obama stated after saving several small children, with his bare hands, from the top floor of a burning thirty-story high-rise. "Plus, my plan will actually protect us and might make the Russians hate us a little less, so...simmer on that one awhile. Excuse me, I have to go stop a meteorite from colliding with earth." And then he flew away.

"Murderous Tooth Kills Poor Unsuspecting Local Grinning Idiot." No, that never happened. But a woman, after being blind for like 9 years or some shit like that, regained her eye sight thanks to her tooth. "Ok, get this shit," one of the doctors in Miami stated while brushing the patients eye, "So, I'm in my office eating Lucky Charms cause I fucking love Lucky Charms, when this bitch comes in screaming, 'I can't see. I can't see!' scaring the shit outta me, causing me to chip a tooth from biting down on my spoon so hard. And as she's running around the room in a panic, banging into shit and knocking over my fake degrees, I pick my tooth up to throw it away when the idea hits me, what if I used a tooth to correct her vision. And I did." This is actually a true story. Well a woman did regain her eye site thanks to her tooth, but the office scenario is complete and utter bullshit.

YAY it's Swine Flu time again. Grab your favorite mask and hit the streets knowing that you're not only safe but you look cool, too. You're going to need those masks since the World Health Organization (WHO) decided not to produce enough vaccine for everyone. "Woops. Sorry, guess I overslept," one WHO spokesman stated while listening to the WHO. "In theory, once I get off my ass and get to work, all the world's 6.3 billion people should receive at least one dose of vaccine against the pandemic strain of H1N1. Of course, in theory, this never should have gotten as out of hand as it has, so I wouldn't really trust what I have to say. Goddamn this band is good."

"Dear God, please forgive me for the ass I'm about to ravage." Some horny Catholic charity in Britain is urging couples to pray before having sex. "Whoa, whoa whoa, we didn't say anything about guy on guy action," one British guy said. "This is recognizing that God is at the heart of the marriage relationship between husband and wife. God doesn't recognize same sex, just like he doesn't recognize the Jews as being human or us as having proper dental care." The British guy also stated that he and his wife do a lot of praying when she misses her period.

Oh, right on cue. Scientists claim that birth control will control our climate by... "No, that's not what I do." Well... "Get your facts straight." That's what I read. "Get your facts straight. That's not at all what I do. Do you have any idea what you're doing?" Um, well... "I mean, really, all you have to do is read news headlines and share them on your site in a non plagiaristic way. It's not rocket science." Ok, sorry. I'm sorry, I fucked up one time. "People are depending on you to be accurate." No, they're not. No one even reads this thing. I don't even know why I do it to be honest. (uncomfortable pause) You wanna tell everyone what I meant to say? "I guess. Basically, we found that handing me out to developing countries could help fight climate change by slowing population growth." Ok, yeah, that makes more sense. "Are you being an asshole?" No. Yes.

A sixteen-year-old cheerleader, in South Carolina, killed a 10-foot-long alligator...with her bare hands. "I was out huntin' with muh daddy when...

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but you're doing it again." What? "She didn't kill the alligator with her bare hands. She used a crossbow." Whatever. "No, not whatever, that's significantly different." She was going along with it.

"Yeah, that's true, I was just gonna keep muh mouth shut bout the crossbow thing and act like I used muh hands. Sounds a lot cooler and such."

"Ok, look you two, you can't fake the news. You can't just make shit up. People are depending on reading accurate sources of information."

"I mean, technically muh bare hands were wrapped round that crossbow so it ain't all fictitious. Is that a word? Fictitious?"

"Are you not retarded? I don't even see how this is news anyway. A 16-year-old hunting and killing alligators? That's like child abuse. That should be the story. Negligent parents allow 16-year-old to endanger life."

"Don't be doin that. Don't be condoming my parents."

"What?"

"You heard me."

"Did you say condoming?"

"I sure did. Don't be condoming my parents."

"Condemning. I think you meant condemning."

"That's what I said...condoming. Look I don't need to be corrected by some stupid contraption that muh daddy says don't even work right. So why don't you just shut the fuck up and git on outta here for I strangle you with muh bare hands." Well, that was stupid.


And now it's time play "Is My State Fucked?" The results for the worst hit unemployed states in the nation are out. In third place and winner of a free stick of butter, with 32,000 jobs cut...Georgia. Speaking on behalf of the unemployed in Georgia is...Glenda Sue Evans.

"WHEW!!! GO GEORGIA! YEAH!!! We's don't care bout workin or nuthin. We found other ways to occupy ours time. Like wrastlin' in the mud. We's actually come together more as a family ever since this whole layoff thingy anyway. In fact, we's don't see a reason to ever go back to work. We can just shoot our own food and live in the woods, just like our ansisters did. Hey, who wants to grab muh boobies fer luck?"

Ok, thanks Glenda. Now, in second place and winner of the scraps of metal from the Cash for Clunkers program, with 42,900 jobs cut...Michigan. Representing Michigan is non other than famed documentary filmmaker...Michael Moore.

"Hello, I'm Michael Moore. And a proud resident of the state of Michigan. I'm not really here to gloat about the nation's unemployment rate but would instead rather promote my new film "Capitalism: A Love Story." It's basically two hours of me, Michael Moore, waltzing around America, sticking a microphone in people's faces, all so I can scare the American people with information they can't do anything about. Just like I did in "Sicko." Now, I'm not certain about the fate of this country, once a stream of endless opportunity but now just a corporate wasteland, feasted on by those who can afford to eat. But there is one thing I am certain about...this film will once again keep my bank account full of yummy yummy money."

Huh. Well, thanks...Michael. And now, the moment we've all been waiting for. The winner of the grand prize of food stamps and medium-sized moving boxes, with 62,200 jobs cut is...TEXAS!!! And now, speaking on behalf of the unemployed in Texas...Alamo Jones.

"I'm named after sumthin famous. So, um, yep, I am honored. Hon...ored. Um, I was kind of already out of work before this whole disaster hit, sos, can't say all this has really changed my life. But, uh, these boxes will come in handy. I mean, if you put two or three of them together, you've got yourself a sleeping hut. Uh, we wanna thank Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae, George W. STILL THE BEST GODDAMN PRESIDENT THIS COUNTRY EVER SEEN! Uh, I'd personally like to thank muh mom for never believing in me and fer never actually being there to believe in me. And Jesus. THANK YOU and GOD BLESS!

Oh God. Do I really have to talk about this? Fine. Uh, tomorrow is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. So, yeah...celebrate...by talking like a pirate. And getting drunk. And dressing your dog up like an asshole.

Oh, that's right. A real holiday is coming up. The time for Jews everywhere to thank God they've survived another year. (click on image to view) And on this note, that's all the news that's fit to suck. Happy whatever the hell you want to celebrate day.

Today's Attractions: August 18, 2009

Medical examiners finally got around to opening up Michael Jackson on Monday.

"That ain't right." TITO JACKSON! "That's right, it me...Tito Jackson. How you boys and girls doin today?" It's actually just me, Tito. "That's alright. That's alright. I want to give a shout out to all those hatin on my dead brotha..." Ok, what are you shouting out? "Nothing, I thought that's how it went." Well, yeah, but usually people give a shout out to people they like or know. You're giving a shout out to people who hate your brother. "Exactly." So, you like people who hate your brother? "HELL NAH!" Ok, you're not understanding the reason for the shout out. "Hey, I wanna give a shout out to myself. I'm droppin a new album next week. Tito Jackson sings Michael Jackson's Greatest Hits. Pick it up and give it a listen. It'll move you." I highly doubt that. "Hey, I wanna give a shout out." To who? "...ta everybody."

(In 1930's voice) And now for some news on the unemployment front. Things are not lookin' good. No, they're not lookin' good at all. The nation is in turmoil, I say, turmoil, and President Roosevelt is doin' nothin' about it. Not nada, not zilch. Because he's dead. Luckily, President Obama has some tactics up his sleeve. That's right, the president is gettin down and dirty when it comes to lifting the down and out outta the dirt and strikin' health care loss right in the kissa. Though, in an effort to makin' health insurance affordable, more and more are continuing with their former employer's coverage through COBRA.

"I think people have the wrong idea. I'm not the COBRA they are looking for. I wish they would stop flocking to me. It's really getting quite irritating." Kind of like them making a movie about a bunch of toys from the 1980's? "We had a very successful cartoon series." Yeah, back in the 80's. "Look, I'm not Hollywood. I don't know why they do the things they do." Do you get royalties from this movie? "What are royalties...like do I get my own King? That's kind of ridiculous." Yeah, so is this segment. Moving on.

Between an absolutely wretched performance in Transformers 2 and another round of funding for 'Cash for Clunkers', Optimus Prime has decided to turn himself in to his local GMC dealership. "I get pretty shitty mileage. And I'm old as fuck. Like I don't even know how I'm still able to run or even transform." OP isn't the only celebrity to turn himself in to the program...

and...

and naturally...

The entire cast of Just the 10 of Us.

Uh, hello? What are you doing back. "What were you going to say about me?" Ok, why are you speaking in a British accent? "I speak in whatever accent I've just been exposed to." So, you came from Great Britain? "Well, they did just release like 15 years of UFO documents, even though they're all bullshit, but no, I just came from North Dakota." Ok, so, again, why are you speaking with a British accent? "I just saw the new Harry Potter movie." Wait, why are these documents...? "Awful." I'm sorry? "It was awful." The documents? "No, the new Harry Potter movie. It didn't make any sense. He's flying around, hexing this and chanting that. It was just a little preposterous if you ask me." Uh, ok, I'm sorry, but you have the nerve to call something you saw preposterous? "Yes." You're an alien. "Yes." You're pretty preposterous to a lot of people. "Not to the British." Those documents aren't even real. "Wanna go see The Time Traveler's Wife with me?" Sure. "Cool." Oh, I see your voice has changed to mimic that movie. You sound like a faggot now. "Oh, no, it's changed because I've been around you." HAY OH! What's next, Govna?

Oh, hello Brett Favre. Finally retiring? "What do you think?" No. "Yep, I'm playing for the Minnesota Vikings now." So, you're never going to retire? "No, I will...eventually. My goal now is to play at least one year with every team in existence." Then you'll retire. "Yes...no."

Seems cell phones are causing problems for 911 operators. Using your cell phone when you have a life ending boo boo could lead to misrouted calls, delayed information about the location of the caller and, most important, a slower emergency response. Here is a sample 911 call from a cell phone user...probably an AT&T iPhone user.

Caller: Hey
911 Operator: What's up?
Caller: Get to me.
911 Operator: What's the problem?
Caller: Sick. Dying. Need an ambulance, pronto.
911 Operator: What about tonto?
Caller: PRONTO!
911 Operator: Sir, I can barely hear you.
Caller: I'm a woman.
911 Operator: Where are you calling from?
Caller: The floor.
911 Operator: No, what is your address?
Caller: I don't know.
911 Operator: I'm sorry, I didn't hear you right. Sounded like you said you don't know.
Caller: No, you heard me right.
911 Operator: Ok, I can't send an ambulance to an unknown address.
Caller: Don't you have a GPS system that can track this call?
911 Operator: No. Not on a cell phone. Is there a land line near you?
Caller: No. Yes.
911 Operator: Can you use that instead?
Caller: I'd rather not.
911 Operator: Ma'am, I can't get to you if you don't use the land line or give me an address.
Caller: I don't know where I am. I'm scared.
911 Operator: Ma'am, please, can you get to the land line?
Caller: I swore off land lines six years ago.
911 Operator: It could save your life.
Caller: No, I'd rather die than use a land line. I don't watch basic cable, I don't write letters and I don't use land lines.
911 Operator: What city are you in?
Caller: New Jersey.
911 Operator: That's a state.
Caller: What?
911 Operator: NEW JERSEY IS A STATE!
Caller: WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING?
911 Operator: What city are you in?
Caller: I think I'm dead.
911 Operator: Ma'am, you're not dead.
Caller: How do you know?
911 Operator: Ma'am, what city are you in?
Caller: Wait, I see an envelope.
(Rustling of paper)
Caller: Uh, I'm in...Wilmington?
911 Operator: Wilmington, New Jersey?
Caller: No, Wilmington, Delaware.
911 Operator: Ma'am, can you give me the address on the envelope?
Caller: What the fuck am I doing in...OH, RIGHT!
911 Operator: Ma'am...
Caller: I remember now. I was kidnapped.
911 Operator: Jesus Christ. Ma'am, give me the goddamn address on the envelope and we can get you out of there.
Caller: Wait, I think the kidnapper is returning. I can ask him how to get here.
911 Operator: No, ma'am, read me the address on the envelope.
Voice: Who the fuck are you talking to?
Caller: No one.
Voice: YOU CALL THE COPS?
Caller: No. Yes...wait.
(Gunshots)
911 Operator: Ma'am? (Pause) Ma'am?
(rustling of phone)
Man's voice: Hello?
911 Operator: Uh, hello?
Man's voice: Yeah, uh, there's been an accident. I need an ambulance.
911 Operator: Sir, tell me your address and I'll send...
Man's voice: I can't live with what I've done. Send the ambulance to the address on your screen.
911 Operator: Sir, you're on a cell phone. Can you please use your land...
(Gun shot. Another gun shot. pause. One more gun shot)
911 Operator: Sir? Sir?

The moral of the story...cell phones commit murder. And that's all the news that's fit to suck.

Today's Attractions: August 13, 2009

Hey, where are you going? Nowhere. Hurricanes in the Atlantic are dropping in to say hello more frequent than at any other point in the last 1,000 years. "I ain't too big a dealin on it," one barely dressed human being admitted while laying on top of his Datsun that floated down the street. "I finally got that boat I always wanted. Beer?"

Speaking of rednecks, this glasses-wearing fuck from Georgia, the state, could face up to 60 years in prison for videotaping US landmarks and then sending the videos overseas to aid terrorist groups. Insaneul...Ensaneul...Ehsanul, EHSANUL, fuck, that's it...Ehsanul Islam Sadequee...huh, his middle name is Islam. Ok? That's not obvious. Anyway, the jackass says he's not a terrorist even though his best friend was convicted of helping terrorists and that he's obviously in cahoots with them because he's dark-skinned, so those two go hand in hand. And he has a t-shirt that says Big Terrorist but claims it's the Muslim version of those Big Johnson T-shirts from the 90's. One government official, when asked about this situation, pulled up his pants and laughed, "Why the fuck would he risk his freedom videotaping landmarks? What a fucking idiot. That's what the goddamn internet's for."


The redneck roll call continues. "Yup, I glued some guy's dick to his stomach in a hotel room. Guilty. As. Charged." That fine piece of ass above, along with three other women, sought revenge on a man they were all apparently in a fierce love triangle with. The man was not offended by what happened to him and in fact claimed it to be "funny as shit."

Oh, what idiotic things are you saying now Mr. Vice President of the country I live and breathe in? What? You said the Russians are "Big Bullies?" And now their Foreign Minister's feelings are hurt? You dumbdick. "Look, he said some things. Then I said some things. Things were said. And now, feelings are down." Biden apparently lost his faith in the Russians after finally sitting down to watch Rocky IV.

What's Biden's little buddy doing? Is he about to stab that Indian? Or did that Indian just blast a holy spirit out of his ass and O'Bomb is trying to avoid its spiritual stench. "I've been ho ho holding that in for almost thirty years. Was the ghost of my brother, Chief Running Joke." O'Bomb has no hard feelings for the situation. "I've pretty much been blasting hot air out of my ass for the past eight months. Ok, but all jokes aside, 'O'Bomb is really presenting the Medal of Freedom to Joe Medicine Crow-High Bird for having the longest, most ridiculous name in all the Indian Land. Then O'Bomb showed Crow-High Bird his collection of Andrew Jackson figurines.

After standing silent for almost eight grueling minutes from making a joke about what the difference between a Priest and Michael Jackson was, the Pope finally spoke again, this time with words so full of wisdom, the sky started raining shit. When referring to the Nazi concentration camps, the Pope called them "extreme symbols of evil" and "hell on earth." Huh. Thanks for clearing that up. We were all under the impression they were just really run down day spas. The Pope then received negative feedback from the audience about his hat, with one man claiming it was actually an "extreme symbol of evil, hell on earth and plain ole bad fashion."

Good news fatasses, eating chocolate two to three times a week is good for heart attack survivors, cutting down on heart disease.

"What? I had a heart attack." No you didn't. "I could." Probably.

To keep the streak of "Let's start producing a bunch of washed out 80's cartoon live-action movies," Hollywood is in the works to create next Summer's blockbuster revival...

The role of John Candy will be played by...

And that's enough of making fun of her.

"Hey, remember when I promised to use the power of government to openly conduct big Pharma talks and cut the cost of drugs to Medicare? You do? Oh, well, I obviously don't." Actually, O'bomb's administration has been psspsspss'ing to the drug people behind our backs and are now against using the government's leverage to bargain for lower drug prices. And they don't want cheaper drugs coming in from the Canucks. Oh, and they also agreed that pursuing Medicare rebates would be a really not necessary idea. So, yeah...sorry Grandmas.

Yikes! Moving on.

Crap. What? "Enough." Exactly. Now just apply that knowledge. "Look, I know I'm fat. I don't need to be the butt of everyone's jokes." I think you do. "Really?" Well, maybe you should feed off the negativity instead of that turkey leg you have in your hand. "I didn't have breakfast...for a second time today, so..." You don't have to like, rip it to shreds like a wild animal. You have bits all over your face. "They're for later." You're licking some of them off now. Gross, do you have to slurp up the skin like that? Oh no, you're about to cry. You're about to start using that really annoying Kirstie Alley voice you used to use on Cheers all the time. "I miss how I used to look." We all miss how you used to look. Remember you in Look Who's Talking? You were pretty hot in that. Now look at you. And John Travolta. Both of you could star in the movie version of Roseanne. Christ, look who can't stop eating that turkey leg. "This is a different turkey leg." We're done here.

Awww. This cat was murdered two seconds after this photo was taken. No, I'm kidding. It's fine. Maybe. I don't fucking know. But here's what I do know...scientists have discovered a gene that lets people not be cranky pants after just six hours of sleep.

Damnit Gene Shallot, get the hell out of here. "It's Shalit!" Whatever. "Don't see Funny People!" Huh? "Funny People. It just keeps not ending for 2.5 unendurable hours." No, no, I kind of agree with you. I remember thinking... "(horrid coughing almost like throwing up)" Oh shit, are you ok? Gene. GENE! "Yes, yes, this happens from time to time." What, you choking out of nowhere? "Hairs from my mustache get caught in my throat like mini facial hairballs." How often has this happened? "Oh about four times." That's not bad. "A day. About four times a day." Why don't you just shave the fucking thing already and be done with it? "I can't." Why? "I was born with it. Doctors say it's the only thing keeping the bottom half of my face attached to the top half." That makes no sense. "...SEE YOU AT THE MOVIES!!!" Ok, where...what was I even talking about before that unnecessary outburst that wasn't even funny...

Right. Dead kittens. No...

Passing out?

Mom?

Ha, that was a fun night.

No, we already did that. Fuck it. That's all the news that's fit to suck.