Monday, May 4, 2009

Today's Attractions: May 4, 2009

So, apparently everyone's just gonna stand around doing nothing as the entire world collapses on itself. Economic turmoil? Check. War? Check. Man-killing flu? Check. Biden makes an ass out of himself by lighting a fart on fire followed by his pants followed by his hair? Check mate. Actually, our lord and savior is trying to figure out how to appoint a Supreme Court justice. "I've never done something like this," Obama admitted. "Then again, I've never done a lot of things I claimed I could do." After that remark, Biden twirled his shirt around his head, screaming "HEY OH!" like some warped version of Ed McMahon alongside Johnny Carson. The decision is a tough one as Supreme Court justices serve for life. Senator Patrick Leahy demonstrated his much needed opinion on CNN's State of the Union, "I want the president to pick somebody for all the American people." Thanks, dick for your head up your ass remark.

Now on to important news. Michelle Obama's mom, after displaying her dissatisfaction with leaving her Chicago home of 71 years to go live in the most powerful house on earth, now claims she is happy living in Washington. Wow. Great. I don't give a shit. Why is this news? Moving the fuck on. Christ.

HURRY! It's time for another edition of "The Flu formerly known as Swine Flu" update! It's still here. And spreading. Stay tuned tomorrow for another edition of "The Flu formerly known as Swine Flu" update!

Hello 1990's. Remember when we could accomplish shit. Nope. Not anymore. Well, almost. But then, nope, you just sort of fuck it all up with unnecessary fouls and uncalled for misses. You're NBA players. Why can't any of you hit a goddamn shot? Or any team in Chicago actually do something with themselves.

What are you celebrating? New quarterback? Fine. If that makes you feel better. You'll still fuck it up somehow.

No, actually, they don't. And probably never will. You had the best record in baseball last year, Cubs. And what did you do? Yeah, blew it. Couldn't even beat the Dodgers.

Ok? Maybe this is why you can't make it past the first round of the playoffs either. Too busy doing shit like this. Which is cool. Don't get me wrong. Your sexual preference is your choice, but uh, why don't you unpark those lips from whoever the hell that other guy is and manage your goddamn team already.

Great. The only team that's worth a damn in Chicago. And it's hockey. Wow. Who gives a flying puck about Hockey?

Oh. Sorry. Well then. Moving. On.

Hey little guy. What are you doing here? Oh, you're going to save the environment? I don't think so. Some messaging firm in Washington with nothing better to do is insisting that we can save the earth by using different terms for how destructive we're being. "Instead of saying global warming, refer to it as 'our deteriorating atmosphere'," one member stated while seated in front of a rainbow and coddling a rabbit. Deteriorating atmosphere sounds much more manageable! This guy also suggested we use the phrase "moving away from the dirty fuels of the past" instead of saying "carbon dioxide." Because that doesn't take all day to say. And it's catchy, so that works out nicely. How about instead of "littering the planet" we say "the earth is getting in the way of my trash." Or, instead of pollution, say "Pigpen", you know, Charlie Brown's friend. The image and association with him will make everyone see pollution in a much cuter way. This could work for anything.

Not "terroristic dictator" but "comically insane"

Not "going out of business" but "not going anywhere anymore ever."

Not "swine flu scare" but "keepin it kosher"

Not "economic recession" but "inflated depression"

Not "same sex sinners" but "super duper dick dippers." And finally...

Not "Skeletor" but "Joan Rivers." Sorry, today is a slow news day. Just swine flu this and Obama did that...

iSuck. Well, not really, but you're not number one anymore. The BlackBerry Curve is. Probably because it chose not to have the astronomical price tag of $199 and didn't spread itself thin, cozying up to one carrier while the Curve whored itself out to four. "I'm not worried," Steve Jobs might or might not have said. "I'm Steve Jobs. I shit BlackBerrys." This remark was then challenged by this guy...

Otherwise known as Black Barry. Ok, moving on.
Hey, our new ad campaign says its cool to buy Chrysler. New ads will give consumers confidence that it's ok to drop more money they don't have on a car company that barely missed being flushed down the toilet. "We're building a better car company....Come see what we're building for you," is what the company is going with as their new tagline. Because people remember taglines. One random American citizen is quoted as saying, "They got my confidence back. Ad says so. And I can't think fer muhself. That's why God invented advertising. Right?"

Yeah, fuck the world. I'm French, I'm lazy and eat and sleep all day. A new study, not done by a French person because we couldn't get them out of bed or even find them under all those croissants and baguettes and whatever the hell else French people stuff in their spoiled mouths, shows that French people sleep and eat more than anyone else in the world. Which is why they suck at fighting in wars or contributing to society. Well, they did give us this...

Ok, but what have you done for us lately?

Ok. Thanks, France for Monica Bellucci. What else?

Yeah, this is in Vegas but close enough.

See, this is why we hate you...

Really? French Stewart? I don't think he's even French but close enough...

Yep. And on this note. That's all the news that's fit to suck.

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