Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Today's Attractions: April 22, 2009

Sorry Tonto, you gotta go. So, it wasn't enough that God and Andrew Jackson kicked the Indians off our land almost 200 years ago, but now our beloved creator isn't satisfied with the Indians making a home down in Colombia. Actually, for the past four decades he's been trying to get rid of them. By using angry coked up gunmen as his henchmen. Colombia has some good coke. From what I've heard. And these gunmen want control of all of it. Which means, yep, our feathered, horse riding friends need to skedaddle. I don't think they really ride horses anymore, actually. But in any event, I think Indians are God's new Jews. I mean, he really hates the Indians.
Yeah, exactly.

"Hey, move your goddamn border marker, South Korea!" North Korea is pissed right now. Like always. Always bringing down South Korea. Pun, sort of intended. So, yeah, those siamese southeners moved a border marker several dozen yards to the north. "We didn't think they would notice. Jesus, it was just a joke. Calm down North Korea," some South Korean stated while giggling and pissing on a North Korean military graveyard. I'm assuming they did this because one day prior to the funny business, the two sides were crying over how South Korea is running factories in a North Korean industrial complex and if they kept doing this, they would have to pay more for North Korean labor. So, what did they do? They moved the goddamn border marker. Makes sense to me. If this continues, we could be looking at another fun little war. Which means this will have to happen again...

Even though most of them are probably dead. Or look like they should be dead.

Thanks Alan Alda for proving my point. Speaking of dead...

You are. "Hello, I killed myself, apparently," said David Kellerman from Hell, the former CFO of Freddie Mac.

No, Freddie Prinze Jr. Go away.

So, yeah, this guy's taking a picture of Kellerman's house. Or someone's house. Most likely Kellerman's. But, whatever. It's a house. And Kellerman's dead. Dead like the mortgage boom he helped fuck up. It appears Kellerman took my advice the other day and offed himself as any self-respecting business man would. Like this...

But in the basement. That doesn't really look like a basement. But it could be. You never know. Just like you never thought this would happen.

Or this. Look at that guy. Proud to be mayor of a small town. On the Georgia-Alabama border. They have as many people living there as there were in my graduating class. So, apparently, this small shithole seems to be a good place to drop a Kia manufacturing plant. The South Korean native...

"Hello again." But, yeah, Kia is the only car factory opening shops in the country. And they're mainly doing it in the south. Because labors cheap and everyone's all inbred and don't understand that Kia, technically, shouldn't even exist anymore but have somehow managed to sell enough cars to warrant this expansion. For example, in West Point, Georgia.

"They're putting a fucking Kia plant here? No shit." Yes.

Yes, thank you Jesus for not being a total selfish prick and getting off your ass to help out some of your father's unfortunate creations.

"You got it." Whatever. Anyway, this could give more than 10,000 people something to do, other than sitting on their porch, picking their teeth and waiting to die. Like Kellerman, who just couldn't wait any more. Ok, enough of that. Seriously, a moment of silence. Moment over. Let's see what else is going on...

"Hey, I'm a repeat tonight." Ok, well, there's no reason to go on a murdering spree over it. It's not entirely old. But mostly. I think they're splicing together footage we haven't seen with footage we've seen a thousand times to give us the story of the Oceanic 6 even though we already know the goddamn story but ABC feels it's necessary to drag this out even longer than need be. Whatever. We'll just watch...

No, we won't. Ever. But this guy will...

"What, Tyler Perry's on tonight? No shit." I'm kidding. That's racist. To think that even this guy would want to sit through that crap.

"Yay! We're firing people!" Yahoo is kicking 5% of its workforce out on the street since they can't make a profit like their arch nemesis Google. When asked if any of the top paid people responsible for most of the company's decline would be let go, one of them just shook their head and said, "No, no, no. We'll all be fine. We're mainly just getting rid of the lower end people. You know, the ones that save our asses on a constant basis. And the janitor because he's out to get me." Well, the 700 people who will soon be able to watch The Price is Right again, can always move to West Point, Georgia. You know, the Kia place.

Hey, it's Earth Day. So, you know, we gotta give a shit. But just for today. Tomorrow, we can go back to what we do best. Fucking shit up.

Yep, that seems about right.

Uh huh.

Might as well.

And might as well just pull out your tit and let your kid feast off of it right there in public. Who cares? I can do what I want. I'm a celebrity. Barely Maggie Gyllenhaal. Barely. But keep it up. Studies show that breast feeding can help lower a mom's risk of developing shit they don't want. Like diabetes and high blood pressure. Oh and cardiovascular disease because that fucking sucks. Of course, too much breast feeding can lead to this...

Yep. And guess what? I've had enough. Thanks for stopping by. That's all the news that's fit to suck. Enjoy your day!

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