Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Today's Attractions: February 9, 2010

What are you going on about, Texas Governor Rick Perry? "We need more Predator drones along the New Mexico borders." Amen. "Those bastards are fierce. And deadly." Yes sir! "I mean, did you see what they did to the guy who played Apollo Creed in the Rocky movies?" Wait. What? "If Predators can beat the shit out of those Aliens, then they can certainly add security to the border and help stop those bastard drug smuggling jerkoffs!" Ok, uh, Governor, no disrespect, but do you know what Predator Drones even are? "Yes, of course I know. Predator is my favorite movie and Predator 2 is almost equally good. Danny Glover deserved an Academy Award for his role as Lieutenant Mike Harrigan. I mean, Jesus, remember in the first one when Predator fuckin' rips Jesse Ventura to shreds. Goddamn, what a movie. I'm getting rock hard just thinking about this opportunity." Ok, I need to show you something. 

"Oh shit, there he is. Look at that fucker. Goddamn, we're gonna tear that border up!" Ok, yeah, that's your Predator. PREDATOR. "Yeah, fucks shit up is what he does." Yeah, he does. Ok, but see this...

"What the fuck is that shit?" Ok, that's a Predator Drone. "What?" That's a Predator Drone. That's what you want at the New Mexico border to aid in remote-control surveillance of drug and migrant smuggling. "What? I don't want a goddamn plane. I want a fucking Predator. Fuck this shit. I'm going home to play with my Predator action figures. Today, it's Predator Vs. Ninja Turtles. Who will win? Predator? Most likely." Wow. Ok, time to move on. 

"Are you going to eat that?" I like how he's attempted to maintain some dignity by stuffing a napkin down the collar of his shirt. Or it's just glued there with grease. Either way, this kid needs help. From eating burgers and fries and pictures of fries. Mrs. Obama wants to be that helping hand. She's aiming to end childhood obesity by eliminating it in a generation. "Basically, I want any child who looks fat to be killed. I hate fat kids. They make me sick. If Melia...Malia, whatever, or Sasha get fat...dead. Look at my husband. He's taking on the whole fucking world and still manages to keep his weight down. So, what's some 10 year old porker's excuse. Too much homework? Fuck that. Kids keep eatin, Michelle Obama's gonna be their heart attack. Clack. Clack. Hitler had a dream of no jews. Well, I have the same dream. Plus, to get rid of the fat kids." Wow. Ok. That was startling. 

Jesus Christ, Toyota is out of control. They're recalling over 437,000 Prius and other environmentally safe type cars. "We really didn't want to," claimed Company President Akio Toyoda while sticking bologna on random non Toyota cars in a mall parking lot. "But people keep whining, they can't brake, so we stop their whining. He he he, this bologna is going to fuck up their day. Give more people something to whine about. He he he." Aside from the Prius recalls, Toyota is also recalling over 4,000 Yaris's claiming they are "dumb to drive."

Speaking of accidents, Britain is finally doing something about improving the backless hospital gown. "Whatever idiot invented this either had no business being in the clothing industry or was obsessed with asses," says Ben de Lisi, creator of the new hospital gown. The new gowns will be revealed during Fashion Week at Mt. Sinai Hospital in New York City. 

Oh, look at this asshole. Southern California Mayor wants to "grow a Christian community." "I mean, he obviously knows how to grow a good beard, so I trust him with my community," one lady said while wearing a 'No one Comes like Jesus' t-shirt. Muslims are pretty pissed about this. "He wants to initiate prayer at city meetings," Abdul Bindully said while strapping a bomb to his chest. "This bullshit. When we speak about our plans to blow up America, we do it on our own time, never during a government meeting. You just don't mix the two together."

Jesus, what do you want? "And you thought I was an asshole." I didn't say you were an asshole. You're just an idiot. "Hey, I got a new idea for a show. Well, it's a spin off of an old idea." What? "Ok, so we release Predators all along the New Mexico border and then we send Chris Hansen out there to catch them. Armed to the t of course." Ok, listen, Predators don't exist. They are Unmanned Ariel Vehicles. "Like, a Predator would enter a house to get a class of orange juice, you know to cool off because it's so hot down there, and while he's enjoying that refreshing glass of OJ, BAM, in walks Chris Hansen. And then that Predator knows he's fucked." I can't...we're moving on. 

"Calculate your way out of this, China boy." So, it seems like everyone's favorite piglets are using Youtube to catch criminals. "Uh, we love this little Youturn..." Youtube. "Youtub thing," says one cop while beating the shit out of an asian for being smarter than he is. So for idiots that take pictures of themselves committing crimes or posting messages about committing crimes or committing crimes because they think it will get them more hits on Youtube than that kid who got stoned from the dentist, you fucking deserve to get caught by some deadbeat cop sitting around in his underwear watching Youtube all day. "Plus, I can watch old episodes of BJ and the Bear." 

There it is. 

"Remake time: BJ and the Predator." No. 

It seems Anne Hathaway is leaving the church for her gay brother. Here to comment on this...God.

Thanks for joining us. "Whatever." So, how do you feel about this? "About what?" About Anne Hathaway leaving the church because her brother is gay. "Why the fuck should I care what Anne Hathaway does? As long as it doesn't involve her not being hot as shit, she can leave the church every fucking day for all I care." It's kind of a big statement. "What? I'm sorry, now you've got me thinking of Anne Hathaway. Naked." I was saying that her turning her back on religion because of its persecution over gay rights is kind of... "Damn she's hot. I mean, I thought she was cute in Princess Diaries, but she was just a child then. She's really grown into her self." Yeah, as I was saying, isn't it time that Catholics accept people for who they are? It's kind of hypocritical. "I'd like to grow into her." What? "What? Nothing. Fuck, I don't know. Catholics are crazy. Most religious nuts are crazy. That's why they're called fanatics. They read way too into things." Well, Leviticus does state that it's an abomination for a man to lie with another man as he does with a woman. "Who wrote that?" Leviticus. "Oh, well, I think Leviticus was a closet homosexual, so he was probably just talking about himself. Well then why does Corinthians state: Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. "I don't fucking know. That's every goddamn human on earth. No one will make it if that's the case. I think everyone was gay back then. And they didn't like it. So they tried to make it outlawed or some shit. I don't fucking remember." Ok, well, thanks for... "Judas was definitely gay. Judas definitely had a thing for my son." Is that why he told on him? "Most likely. And Judas was always a taddle tale. Even as a child. That little shit." Ok, well, thanks for stopping by. "Thanks for wasting my time. I'm gonna go beat off to Rachel Getting Married."

Hey, look at me. I sleep with any man I co-star with. Yep, Jennifer Aniston is most likely dating Gerard Butler. This after dating every other guy she's worked with in Hollywood. It won't last, most likely. And Jen will go on to date another Hollywood leading man. Next up for Jen, another romantic comedy called "Evlovelution", in which she plays a scientist who falls in love with a gorilla. 

Sleepy time. This girl will sometimes sleep for 13 days straight. Her parents say it's becoming a problem when it comes to...

What's this?
"Judas. Told you he was gay." I'm in the middle of a news story. "Yeah, girl sleeps for 13 days sometimes. It's a problem, but it's not your problem. Check this one out."


"Boom. Gay." 

What is this? "Tom Cruise is gay." 

"Gross, that one's on the lips. Probably surprised Jesus with that one."

"More gay. Jesus is struggling. He's like, 'Stop, I'm Jesus. I'm not gay. Please. We're friends.'"

"I mean, I have like a million of these. Look at him. They're all flabbergasted by how gay he's acting." Uh, I think that's your son...acting that way. "No, that's Judas." No, that's Jesus. "What? Well, he's probably making fun of Judas." Whatever. "Whatever you." Whatever this. I'm done. That's all the news that's fit to...

Oh no. "WHEW, TOM CRUISE IS BACK!" Here to promote your new movie? "You know it! Whew! Knight and Day! Tom Cruise is ready for action no matter what time it is! WHEW, TOM CRUISE!" That movie looks horrendous. "Hey, what do you call the DAY after today?" Uh, Wednesday? "No, well, yes, but I mean, not today but...?" Tomorrow. "WHEW! TOM CRUISE, TOMorrow is ONLY a Day away. Knight and Day! WHEW!" Ok, this is getting old. "Hey, hey...hey." What! "Where do middle class yuppies who sip wine by a fire buy their clothes?" Jesus.  "J. Crew. THOMAS J. CREEEEUISE! WHEW! TOM CRUISE!!! Your middle name isn't J. "No, it's not." What is your middle name? "Sorry, Tom Cruise is out like Judas. Gotta go be awesome somewhere else." Finally, he admitted it. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is all the news that's fit to suck. 

Friday, September 18, 2009

Today's Attractions: September 18th 2009

Is it Fourth of July already? Obama has finally decided to blow up Bush's missile-defense system and make it more defensey. "Let's be honest, anything Bush wanted was probably fucking stupid," Obama stated after saving several small children, with his bare hands, from the top floor of a burning thirty-story high-rise. "Plus, my plan will actually protect us and might make the Russians hate us a little less, so...simmer on that one awhile. Excuse me, I have to go stop a meteorite from colliding with earth." And then he flew away.

"Murderous Tooth Kills Poor Unsuspecting Local Grinning Idiot." No, that never happened. But a woman, after being blind for like 9 years or some shit like that, regained her eye sight thanks to her tooth. "Ok, get this shit," one of the doctors in Miami stated while brushing the patients eye, "So, I'm in my office eating Lucky Charms cause I fucking love Lucky Charms, when this bitch comes in screaming, 'I can't see. I can't see!' scaring the shit outta me, causing me to chip a tooth from biting down on my spoon so hard. And as she's running around the room in a panic, banging into shit and knocking over my fake degrees, I pick my tooth up to throw it away when the idea hits me, what if I used a tooth to correct her vision. And I did." This is actually a true story. Well a woman did regain her eye site thanks to her tooth, but the office scenario is complete and utter bullshit.

YAY it's Swine Flu time again. Grab your favorite mask and hit the streets knowing that you're not only safe but you look cool, too. You're going to need those masks since the World Health Organization (WHO) decided not to produce enough vaccine for everyone. "Woops. Sorry, guess I overslept," one WHO spokesman stated while listening to the WHO. "In theory, once I get off my ass and get to work, all the world's 6.3 billion people should receive at least one dose of vaccine against the pandemic strain of H1N1. Of course, in theory, this never should have gotten as out of hand as it has, so I wouldn't really trust what I have to say. Goddamn this band is good."

"Dear God, please forgive me for the ass I'm about to ravage." Some horny Catholic charity in Britain is urging couples to pray before having sex. "Whoa, whoa whoa, we didn't say anything about guy on guy action," one British guy said. "This is recognizing that God is at the heart of the marriage relationship between husband and wife. God doesn't recognize same sex, just like he doesn't recognize the Jews as being human or us as having proper dental care." The British guy also stated that he and his wife do a lot of praying when she misses her period.

Oh, right on cue. Scientists claim that birth control will control our climate by... "No, that's not what I do." Well... "Get your facts straight." That's what I read. "Get your facts straight. That's not at all what I do. Do you have any idea what you're doing?" Um, well... "I mean, really, all you have to do is read news headlines and share them on your site in a non plagiaristic way. It's not rocket science." Ok, sorry. I'm sorry, I fucked up one time. "People are depending on you to be accurate." No, they're not. No one even reads this thing. I don't even know why I do it to be honest. (uncomfortable pause) You wanna tell everyone what I meant to say? "I guess. Basically, we found that handing me out to developing countries could help fight climate change by slowing population growth." Ok, yeah, that makes more sense. "Are you being an asshole?" No. Yes.

A sixteen-year-old cheerleader, in South Carolina, killed a 10-foot-long alligator...with her bare hands. "I was out huntin' with muh daddy when...

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but you're doing it again." What? "She didn't kill the alligator with her bare hands. She used a crossbow." Whatever. "No, not whatever, that's significantly different." She was going along with it.

"Yeah, that's true, I was just gonna keep muh mouth shut bout the crossbow thing and act like I used muh hands. Sounds a lot cooler and such."

"Ok, look you two, you can't fake the news. You can't just make shit up. People are depending on reading accurate sources of information."

"I mean, technically muh bare hands were wrapped round that crossbow so it ain't all fictitious. Is that a word? Fictitious?"

"Are you not retarded? I don't even see how this is news anyway. A 16-year-old hunting and killing alligators? That's like child abuse. That should be the story. Negligent parents allow 16-year-old to endanger life."

"Don't be doin that. Don't be condoming my parents."


"You heard me."

"Did you say condoming?"

"I sure did. Don't be condoming my parents."

"Condemning. I think you meant condemning."

"That's what I said...condoming. Look I don't need to be corrected by some stupid contraption that muh daddy says don't even work right. So why don't you just shut the fuck up and git on outta here for I strangle you with muh bare hands." Well, that was stupid.

And now it's time play "Is My State Fucked?" The results for the worst hit unemployed states in the nation are out. In third place and winner of a free stick of butter, with 32,000 jobs cut...Georgia. Speaking on behalf of the unemployed in Georgia is...Glenda Sue Evans.

"WHEW!!! GO GEORGIA! YEAH!!! We's don't care bout workin or nuthin. We found other ways to occupy ours time. Like wrastlin' in the mud. We's actually come together more as a family ever since this whole layoff thingy anyway. In fact, we's don't see a reason to ever go back to work. We can just shoot our own food and live in the woods, just like our ansisters did. Hey, who wants to grab muh boobies fer luck?"

Ok, thanks Glenda. Now, in second place and winner of the scraps of metal from the Cash for Clunkers program, with 42,900 jobs cut...Michigan. Representing Michigan is non other than famed documentary filmmaker...Michael Moore.

"Hello, I'm Michael Moore. And a proud resident of the state of Michigan. I'm not really here to gloat about the nation's unemployment rate but would instead rather promote my new film "Capitalism: A Love Story." It's basically two hours of me, Michael Moore, waltzing around America, sticking a microphone in people's faces, all so I can scare the American people with information they can't do anything about. Just like I did in "Sicko." Now, I'm not certain about the fate of this country, once a stream of endless opportunity but now just a corporate wasteland, feasted on by those who can afford to eat. But there is one thing I am certain about...this film will once again keep my bank account full of yummy yummy money."

Huh. Well, thanks...Michael. And now, the moment we've all been waiting for. The winner of the grand prize of food stamps and medium-sized moving boxes, with 62,200 jobs cut is...TEXAS!!! And now, speaking on behalf of the unemployed in Texas...Alamo Jones.

"I'm named after sumthin famous. So, um, yep, I am honored. Hon...ored. Um, I was kind of already out of work before this whole disaster hit, sos, can't say all this has really changed my life. But, uh, these boxes will come in handy. I mean, if you put two or three of them together, you've got yourself a sleeping hut. Uh, we wanna thank Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae, George W. STILL THE BEST GODDAMN PRESIDENT THIS COUNTRY EVER SEEN! Uh, I'd personally like to thank muh mom for never believing in me and fer never actually being there to believe in me. And Jesus. THANK YOU and GOD BLESS!

Oh God. Do I really have to talk about this? Fine. Uh, tomorrow is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. So, yeah...celebrate...by talking like a pirate. And getting drunk. And dressing your dog up like an asshole.

Oh, that's right. A real holiday is coming up. The time for Jews everywhere to thank God they've survived another year. (click on image to view) And on this note, that's all the news that's fit to suck. Happy whatever the hell you want to celebrate day.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Today's Attractions: August 18, 2009

Medical examiners finally got around to opening up Michael Jackson on Monday.

"That ain't right." TITO JACKSON! "That's right, it me...Tito Jackson. How you boys and girls doin today?" It's actually just me, Tito. "That's alright. That's alright. I want to give a shout out to all those hatin on my dead brotha..." Ok, what are you shouting out? "Nothing, I thought that's how it went." Well, yeah, but usually people give a shout out to people they like or know. You're giving a shout out to people who hate your brother. "Exactly." So, you like people who hate your brother? "HELL NAH!" Ok, you're not understanding the reason for the shout out. "Hey, I wanna give a shout out to myself. I'm droppin a new album next week. Tito Jackson sings Michael Jackson's Greatest Hits. Pick it up and give it a listen. It'll move you." I highly doubt that. "Hey, I wanna give a shout out." To who? "...ta everybody."

(In 1930's voice) And now for some news on the unemployment front. Things are not lookin' good. No, they're not lookin' good at all. The nation is in turmoil, I say, turmoil, and President Roosevelt is doin' nothin' about it. Not nada, not zilch. Because he's dead. Luckily, President Obama has some tactics up his sleeve. That's right, the president is gettin down and dirty when it comes to lifting the down and out outta the dirt and strikin' health care loss right in the kissa. Though, in an effort to makin' health insurance affordable, more and more are continuing with their former employer's coverage through COBRA.

"I think people have the wrong idea. I'm not the COBRA they are looking for. I wish they would stop flocking to me. It's really getting quite irritating." Kind of like them making a movie about a bunch of toys from the 1980's? "We had a very successful cartoon series." Yeah, back in the 80's. "Look, I'm not Hollywood. I don't know why they do the things they do." Do you get royalties from this movie? "What are royalties...like do I get my own King? That's kind of ridiculous." Yeah, so is this segment. Moving on.

Between an absolutely wretched performance in Transformers 2 and another round of funding for 'Cash for Clunkers', Optimus Prime has decided to turn himself in to his local GMC dealership. "I get pretty shitty mileage. And I'm old as fuck. Like I don't even know how I'm still able to run or even transform." OP isn't the only celebrity to turn himself in to the program...


and naturally...

The entire cast of Just the 10 of Us.

Uh, hello? What are you doing back. "What were you going to say about me?" Ok, why are you speaking in a British accent? "I speak in whatever accent I've just been exposed to." So, you came from Great Britain? "Well, they did just release like 15 years of UFO documents, even though they're all bullshit, but no, I just came from North Dakota." Ok, so, again, why are you speaking with a British accent? "I just saw the new Harry Potter movie." Wait, why are these documents...? "Awful." I'm sorry? "It was awful." The documents? "No, the new Harry Potter movie. It didn't make any sense. He's flying around, hexing this and chanting that. It was just a little preposterous if you ask me." Uh, ok, I'm sorry, but you have the nerve to call something you saw preposterous? "Yes." You're an alien. "Yes." You're pretty preposterous to a lot of people. "Not to the British." Those documents aren't even real. "Wanna go see The Time Traveler's Wife with me?" Sure. "Cool." Oh, I see your voice has changed to mimic that movie. You sound like a faggot now. "Oh, no, it's changed because I've been around you." HAY OH! What's next, Govna?

Oh, hello Brett Favre. Finally retiring? "What do you think?" No. "Yep, I'm playing for the Minnesota Vikings now." So, you're never going to retire? "No, I will...eventually. My goal now is to play at least one year with every team in existence." Then you'll retire. "Yes...no."

Seems cell phones are causing problems for 911 operators. Using your cell phone when you have a life ending boo boo could lead to misrouted calls, delayed information about the location of the caller and, most important, a slower emergency response. Here is a sample 911 call from a cell phone user...probably an AT&T iPhone user.

Caller: Hey
911 Operator: What's up?
Caller: Get to me.
911 Operator: What's the problem?
Caller: Sick. Dying. Need an ambulance, pronto.
911 Operator: What about tonto?
Caller: PRONTO!
911 Operator: Sir, I can barely hear you.
Caller: I'm a woman.
911 Operator: Where are you calling from?
Caller: The floor.
911 Operator: No, what is your address?
Caller: I don't know.
911 Operator: I'm sorry, I didn't hear you right. Sounded like you said you don't know.
Caller: No, you heard me right.
911 Operator: Ok, I can't send an ambulance to an unknown address.
Caller: Don't you have a GPS system that can track this call?
911 Operator: No. Not on a cell phone. Is there a land line near you?
Caller: No. Yes.
911 Operator: Can you use that instead?
Caller: I'd rather not.
911 Operator: Ma'am, I can't get to you if you don't use the land line or give me an address.
Caller: I don't know where I am. I'm scared.
911 Operator: Ma'am, please, can you get to the land line?
Caller: I swore off land lines six years ago.
911 Operator: It could save your life.
Caller: No, I'd rather die than use a land line. I don't watch basic cable, I don't write letters and I don't use land lines.
911 Operator: What city are you in?
Caller: New Jersey.
911 Operator: That's a state.
Caller: What?
911 Operator: NEW JERSEY IS A STATE!
911 Operator: What city are you in?
Caller: I think I'm dead.
911 Operator: Ma'am, you're not dead.
Caller: How do you know?
911 Operator: Ma'am, what city are you in?
Caller: Wait, I see an envelope.
(Rustling of paper)
Caller: Uh, I'm in...Wilmington?
911 Operator: Wilmington, New Jersey?
Caller: No, Wilmington, Delaware.
911 Operator: Ma'am, can you give me the address on the envelope?
Caller: What the fuck am I doing in...OH, RIGHT!
911 Operator: Ma'am...
Caller: I remember now. I was kidnapped.
911 Operator: Jesus Christ. Ma'am, give me the goddamn address on the envelope and we can get you out of there.
Caller: Wait, I think the kidnapper is returning. I can ask him how to get here.
911 Operator: No, ma'am, read me the address on the envelope.
Voice: Who the fuck are you talking to?
Caller: No one.
Caller: No. Yes...wait.
911 Operator: Ma'am? (Pause) Ma'am?
(rustling of phone)
Man's voice: Hello?
911 Operator: Uh, hello?
Man's voice: Yeah, uh, there's been an accident. I need an ambulance.
911 Operator: Sir, tell me your address and I'll send...
Man's voice: I can't live with what I've done. Send the ambulance to the address on your screen.
911 Operator: Sir, you're on a cell phone. Can you please use your land...
(Gun shot. Another gun shot. pause. One more gun shot)
911 Operator: Sir? Sir?

The moral of the story...cell phones commit murder. And that's all the news that's fit to suck.