Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Today's Attractions: April 29, 2009

"Hey esse, your problemo." Goddamnit Mexico. What are you good for? All you do is create problems. Like trafficking drugs and people and diseases into our country. Not since The George Lopez Show has the world had to suffer through such harsh excruciating agony. So far there have been 152 deaths. All Mexican. Which means 152 less people to beat the fuck out of after they try to plant themselves in California or Texas or wherever the fuck they plan on passing as citizens. Dr. Keiji Fukuda, the deputy director general of something important or else he wouldn't be quoted said, “Because the virus is already quite widespread in different locations, containment is not a feasible option. Basically, we're all pretty fucked right now."

"Hmmmm." Thinking long and hard about his race views, Obama finally admitted that in an all out match, black people would definitely win against white people. "We're just faster," Obama stated while duct taping Biden's mouth shut. "We've been running for years from whitey. Face it, we're just good at it." This is all made up. In all honesty, two-thirds of the public perceive race relations as being generally good. "Attendance has been kind of down ever since O'bama took office," one KKK member stated while placing a mask over his hood. "Swine flu." There are still some racial dividers. Blacks still believe whites have a better chance of not fucking up their lives and 34 percent of white people believe the country is headed in the right direction as opposed to 70 percent of black people. 100% of mulattos think all Americans are just fucking retarded because, seriously, the guy isn't even full black or white. So, let's just cut the race shit and see if the fucker can run our goddamn country.

Splashy splashy. These guys are headed for Iowa. Right after they gay it up in the water with each other. Another state that most people forgot existed has agreed to let gay people marry each other. "Why the fuck should we care if gay people marry each other?" One Iowa resident said. "Not like we got anything else going on here. Fuck, swine flu won't even come to Iowa." Ok, enough with swine flu jokes. Maybe. The courts were relatively quiet as protesters stayed home. "We didn't want to catch it," one ignorant fuck stated while letting his dog lick ice cream off his chest. Iowa can now make gay jokes along with Massachusetts and Connecticut. Vermont is waiting until September to let people who love each other legally spend the rest of their lives together. California tried it out for six months but like most college girls, decided it just wasn't for them.

"Even I can't save these people," Spiderman stated while trying to get hit by a car. But hey, at least Florida is looking out for their unemployed. Not really. Actually, they're refusing stimulus money. "Sure we've been hammered by the recession. Like really fucked in the ass hardcore by it," one republican legislator stated while driving his Rolls Royce. "I mean, between the collapse of the real estate market, an unemployment rate of 9.7 percent and those goddamn hurricanes, we're in pretty bad shape. But accepting more money to help everyone out? Not gonna happen. Not under my watch. This is Florida. Not fucking North Korea." Whatever that means.

Hey hobbit. Where the fuck did you come from? Scientists are mystified by the tiny hominid that once occupied the Indonesian island of Flores. "This is going to keep me up at night," one scientist admitted late one night. Discovered six years ago by some drunk frat guys hazing another drunk frat guy, scientists continue to be baffled by the extinct little people's origins, transformations and where the hell they wandered off to. "I think little people is kind of degrading," Sean Astin, a hobbit in Peter Jackson's excruciatingly long epic Lord of the Rings said while trying to reach a cookie out of a cookie jar. Some scientists believe the hobbits evolved into new species in Asia while others just don't give a shit.

Whoa, hold up. If you're thinking of throwing away those ovaries. Think again. A new study, newer than the last study that determined that removing your ovaries would actually allow you to live longer, is now confirming, no, this is actually not the case. Sure, tossing those reproductive glands into the trash has proven to reduce the risk of breast and ovarian cancer. But, BUT, sorry, it can also increase your risk of being ravaged by heart disease. So, you pick. "Yeah, to be honest, we really don't know what the fuck we're doing," one doctor admitted while constantly making the buzzer go off during an intense game of Operation. "I mean, this study basically rapes the past 35 years of gynecology teaching."

So, this is a real video game. "Faith Fighter." Why haven't I heard of this? God shoots bolts of lighting at Muhammad who summons a burning black meteorite. Fuck yeah! "Fuck no!" says some influential Islamic group who is obviously bad at video games. "Yeah, so what? All you do is press buttons. There's no skill involved. I got beat by this six year old fuck who just kept smashing the remote with his foot. He had no arms. I mean, it's no Double Dragon." A game that was meant to curb intolerance is said to be creating more. "God fucking Ganesh in the ass?" another influential Islamic group member stated while sipping on Hi-C. "Come on, that doesn't help erase intolerance. It creates it." One of the makers of the game is quoted as responding with his opinion, "Uh, God fucking Ganesh in the ass? That's not even a move dude."

Hey, where the fuck are you going? "To the Democratic Party, bitch!" That's right, long time Republican, Arlen Specter has decided to turn his liver encrusted back on the elephants and join forces with the donkeys. "They just know how to party, ya know?" Specter quoted while downing a fifth of Vodka and then slapping a hooker. "Oh, and my chances of winning as a Democrat are much better than as a Republican. Sure it shows absolutely no loyalty on my part, but what do you expect, I work for the government." Around 10:25 a.m. on Tuesday, an aide passed a note to Obama, while giggling, during his briefing that simply said, "We got Specter." Obama crushed the note in his hand and ripped off his shirt screaming, "Soon we will own everyone!" And then he calmly sat down and paid his respects to this woman...

Oh Bea Arthur, you made the 80's my golden years. Even though I hadn't even reached double digits in age yet. But still, your hoarse, raspy voice, fluffy ball of white hair and outlandish wardrobe choices that only a blind cult leader would choose made whatever night you came on a night worth reeking havoc so I could stay up past my bedtime. You will be missed. And so will all those apparent naked pictures of you that have been circulating over the past three decades.

After laughing uncontrollably for 47 minutes over the word "behind", former president George W. Bush drank a glass of apple juice and went to bed. Meanwhile, his replacement is trying to figure out ways to close the gap between white test scores and minority test scores. Although scores have increased for blacks and Hispanics over the past few years, the same can be said for whites. "Sure, it's cool that the minorities are doing better and obviously the act is working, but the goal was to make sure white kids did not achieve any sort of positive progression," somebody said somewhere otherwise this really wouldn't be a news worthy story.

"Shut your goddamn mouth!" this guy told his Mr. Ed. As horses try to figure out ways to escape their prison pens before Saturday's Kentucky Derby, owners are scrambling to hide what medications they're injecting into their suffering stallions. Although steroids have been prohibited, the United States still doesn't really give a shit when it comes to the medication policies for thoroughbreds. And either do most of the horse's owners. In fact, out of 20 of them, only 3 have decided to share their horse's medical records. The horses have been told to keep their goddamn mouths shut. Accept one horse who retired years ago and thought it would be cool to out every other horse who was illegally beefing themselves up for the race. "Look, I did it. We all did it. How do you think we all ran so goddamn fast? You think my neck's this big because I'm purebred?" Of course, most Americans are shocked over this. Most didn't even know the Kentucky Derby still existed.

Is this guy crowd surfing in a suit? No. He just got released from prison. Some judge said it was cool for him and three other high-ranking Lebanese security officials to taste sweet freedom. They were being holed up because some prime minister, Rafiq Hariri was killed in 2005 and they were said to be behind the assassination. In 2005 I was too busy not watching the news or reading the news or listening to people talk about the news and saying "well, that's news to me" to even know who that guy was or that this happened. But this guy, the guy crowd surfing his ass off, he knew about it. And now he and I will never forget about today. But for completely different reasons. Mine is because of the number 100.

"We have been fucking with people with absolutely no chance of ever allowing this thing to make sense for 100 episodes," Evangeline Lilly screamed at Matthew Fox while on the set of Wednesday night's Lost. Yep, Wednesday marks Lost's 100th episode. And we still have no idea what the shit is happening. Well, wait, we know that they are traveling back in time even though it's still considered linear time to them and that everything they do has already happened even though they are experiencing it for the first time. Oh, and Ben just can't kill John Locke. Ok, I guess there's another reason why the number 100 is significant today.

"Yep, I know I'm better than everyone." It's his 100th day in office. Which means Biden is shitting his pants that he hasn't said something so outlandishly stupid that he hasn't been fired yet.

Too late. And on this note, that's all the news that's fit to suck.

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