"And you thought I was bad," Captain Hook stated in an unconfirmed press conference late Tuesday afternoon. I mean, all he did was try to bring a little reality to a guy who refused to grow the fuck up. He didn't fire grenades and automatic weapons. The Somali's did. All at an American freighter. And they've got 75 hostages now. And it's not even for money anymore. It's to show Obama that he can't control their little waterworld.
Goddamnit Kevin Costar, not now. Nobody asked for your two cents.
Speaking of which, here you go government. Here's the $10 billion you lent us. "Thanks Goldman Sachs," said the government. All in unison. Analysts say this is cool of them to do this but that American's should still feel pretty down about the economy. "This doesn't mean hope is on the horizon. In fact, chances are, we'll just have to loan the money right back to these banks after they fuck up again," one analyst didn't actually say but is probably thinking.
What are you thinking Rod? And why did Illinois hire a man named Rod to run their state? Only dicks are named Rod. Who names their son Rod?
Right. But anyway, this guy..."Hello." As if you haven't done enough to make yourself look like a goddamn waste of human life. Now you're going to Costa Rica? To star in I'm a Celebrity. Get me Outta Here! It's like Survivor but without...
But with...
Which means we hope...
will be there. And they'll watch...Ok. Enough of that.
And enough of this shit. A camel was cloned in Dubai. The first one! Thank. God. Now we can forgo all those millions of dollars we've been spending on military tanks and just use Camels as cavalry.
There's the clone now.
And there's a truck in the side of a house. So, to keep the old fucks down in Florida from doing this, the Brevard, Fla. county commission is okaying the use of golf carts as a transportation option along some residential streets. Residents are celebrating with a free drive-in movie showing of...
GODDAMNIT KEVIN COSTAR! Go make Field of Dreams 2: Turns out I'm Schitzo. And for those of you who think you are in fact going nuts, itching your nuts and back and vag and anything else you might stick your fingers in while trying to sleep, turns out you're probably being covered in these guys...
Bedbugs are back. And they're pissed. Not really, but they do enjoy feeding on your flesh while you sleep. The EPA is holding a two-day conference on the subject at the Sheraton Crystal City Hotel in Arlington, VA. When asked why that hotel, one EPAer stated, "We got a discount. You know, because of all the fucking bed bugs." All this talk of bed bugs is making us hungry.
YAY Burger King. Unless you're Mexican. They're kind of mad at the fast food giant. Because of the new Texican Whopper. Which features real meat made from real Mexicans. Kidding. BK displayed an ad with the Mexican flag draped over a short Mexican. They were not upset with BK choosing to show a miniature Mexican, but ticked off over the use of the flag. Apparently its image is protected under federal law. Gee, so sorry. Didn't know your flag was so special. Meanwhile, over here, we've got fuckers doing this...
Why isn't this protected? And why is Kid Rock still alive?
This guy might not be. Hey! Wake up! It's tax day. Hope that guy did his taxes. Hope everyone did. Or else the government will fuck you over even harder than they already did when you found out you owe them more money than you'll make all year. And if this wasn't bad enough...
Oscar's done. Yep, America's boxing sweetheart is hanging up the gloves at the age of 36 to fulfill his life long dream of...
starring in a Burger King ad. And on that note ladies and gentlemen, that's all the news that's fit to suck.
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