Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Today's Attractions: February 9, 2010

What are you going on about, Texas Governor Rick Perry? "We need more Predator drones along the New Mexico borders." Amen. "Those bastards are fierce. And deadly." Yes sir! "I mean, did you see what they did to the guy who played Apollo Creed in the Rocky movies?" Wait. What? "If Predators can beat the shit out of those Aliens, then they can certainly add security to the border and help stop those bastard drug smuggling jerkoffs!" Ok, uh, Governor, no disrespect, but do you know what Predator Drones even are? "Yes, of course I know. Predator is my favorite movie and Predator 2 is almost equally good. Danny Glover deserved an Academy Award for his role as Lieutenant Mike Harrigan. I mean, Jesus, remember in the first one when Predator fuckin' rips Jesse Ventura to shreds. Goddamn, what a movie. I'm getting rock hard just thinking about this opportunity." Ok, I need to show you something. 

"Oh shit, there he is. Look at that fucker. Goddamn, we're gonna tear that border up!" Ok, yeah, that's your Predator. PREDATOR. "Yeah, fucks shit up is what he does." Yeah, he does. Ok, but see this...

"What the fuck is that shit?" Ok, that's a Predator Drone. "What?" That's a Predator Drone. That's what you want at the New Mexico border to aid in remote-control surveillance of drug and migrant smuggling. "What? I don't want a goddamn plane. I want a fucking Predator. Fuck this shit. I'm going home to play with my Predator action figures. Today, it's Predator Vs. Ninja Turtles. Who will win? Predator? Most likely." Wow. Ok, time to move on. 

"Are you going to eat that?" I like how he's attempted to maintain some dignity by stuffing a napkin down the collar of his shirt. Or it's just glued there with grease. Either way, this kid needs help. From eating burgers and fries and pictures of fries. Mrs. Obama wants to be that helping hand. She's aiming to end childhood obesity by eliminating it in a generation. "Basically, I want any child who looks fat to be killed. I hate fat kids. They make me sick. If Melia...Malia, whatever, or Sasha get fat...dead. Look at my husband. He's taking on the whole fucking world and still manages to keep his weight down. So, what's some 10 year old porker's excuse. Too much homework? Fuck that. Kids keep eatin, Michelle Obama's gonna be their heart attack. Clack. Clack. Hitler had a dream of no jews. Well, I have the same dream. Plus, to get rid of the fat kids." Wow. Ok. That was startling. 

Jesus Christ, Toyota is out of control. They're recalling over 437,000 Prius and other environmentally safe type cars. "We really didn't want to," claimed Company President Akio Toyoda while sticking bologna on random non Toyota cars in a mall parking lot. "But people keep whining, they can't brake, so we stop their whining. He he he, this bologna is going to fuck up their day. Give more people something to whine about. He he he." Aside from the Prius recalls, Toyota is also recalling over 4,000 Yaris's claiming they are "dumb to drive."

Speaking of accidents, Britain is finally doing something about improving the backless hospital gown. "Whatever idiot invented this either had no business being in the clothing industry or was obsessed with asses," says Ben de Lisi, creator of the new hospital gown. The new gowns will be revealed during Fashion Week at Mt. Sinai Hospital in New York City. 

Oh, look at this asshole. Southern California Mayor wants to "grow a Christian community." "I mean, he obviously knows how to grow a good beard, so I trust him with my community," one lady said while wearing a 'No one Comes like Jesus' t-shirt. Muslims are pretty pissed about this. "He wants to initiate prayer at city meetings," Abdul Bindully said while strapping a bomb to his chest. "This bullshit. When we speak about our plans to blow up America, we do it on our own time, never during a government meeting. You just don't mix the two together."

Jesus, what do you want? "And you thought I was an asshole." I didn't say you were an asshole. You're just an idiot. "Hey, I got a new idea for a show. Well, it's a spin off of an old idea." What? "Ok, so we release Predators all along the New Mexico border and then we send Chris Hansen out there to catch them. Armed to the t of course." Ok, listen, Predators don't exist. They are Unmanned Ariel Vehicles. "Like, a Predator would enter a house to get a class of orange juice, you know to cool off because it's so hot down there, and while he's enjoying that refreshing glass of OJ, BAM, in walks Chris Hansen. And then that Predator knows he's fucked." I can't...we're moving on. 

"Calculate your way out of this, China boy." So, it seems like everyone's favorite piglets are using Youtube to catch criminals. "Uh, we love this little Youturn..." Youtube. "Youtub thing," says one cop while beating the shit out of an asian for being smarter than he is. So for idiots that take pictures of themselves committing crimes or posting messages about committing crimes or committing crimes because they think it will get them more hits on Youtube than that kid who got stoned from the dentist, you fucking deserve to get caught by some deadbeat cop sitting around in his underwear watching Youtube all day. "Plus, I can watch old episodes of BJ and the Bear." 

There it is. 

"Remake time: BJ and the Predator." No. 

It seems Anne Hathaway is leaving the church for her gay brother. Here to comment on this...God.

Thanks for joining us. "Whatever." So, how do you feel about this? "About what?" About Anne Hathaway leaving the church because her brother is gay. "Why the fuck should I care what Anne Hathaway does? As long as it doesn't involve her not being hot as shit, she can leave the church every fucking day for all I care." It's kind of a big statement. "What? I'm sorry, now you've got me thinking of Anne Hathaway. Naked." I was saying that her turning her back on religion because of its persecution over gay rights is kind of... "Damn she's hot. I mean, I thought she was cute in Princess Diaries, but she was just a child then. She's really grown into her self." Yeah, as I was saying, isn't it time that Catholics accept people for who they are? It's kind of hypocritical. "I'd like to grow into her." What? "What? Nothing. Fuck, I don't know. Catholics are crazy. Most religious nuts are crazy. That's why they're called fanatics. They read way too into things." Well, Leviticus does state that it's an abomination for a man to lie with another man as he does with a woman. "Who wrote that?" Leviticus. "Oh, well, I think Leviticus was a closet homosexual, so he was probably just talking about himself. Well then why does Corinthians state: Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. "I don't fucking know. That's every goddamn human on earth. No one will make it if that's the case. I think everyone was gay back then. And they didn't like it. So they tried to make it outlawed or some shit. I don't fucking remember." Ok, well, thanks for... "Judas was definitely gay. Judas definitely had a thing for my son." Is that why he told on him? "Most likely. And Judas was always a taddle tale. Even as a child. That little shit." Ok, well, thanks for stopping by. "Thanks for wasting my time. I'm gonna go beat off to Rachel Getting Married."

Hey, look at me. I sleep with any man I co-star with. Yep, Jennifer Aniston is most likely dating Gerard Butler. This after dating every other guy she's worked with in Hollywood. It won't last, most likely. And Jen will go on to date another Hollywood leading man. Next up for Jen, another romantic comedy called "Evlovelution", in which she plays a scientist who falls in love with a gorilla. 

Sleepy time. This girl will sometimes sleep for 13 days straight. Her parents say it's becoming a problem when it comes to...

What's this?
"Judas. Told you he was gay." I'm in the middle of a news story. "Yeah, girl sleeps for 13 days sometimes. It's a problem, but it's not your problem. Check this one out."


"Boom. Gay." 

What is this? "Tom Cruise is gay." 

"Gross, that one's on the lips. Probably surprised Jesus with that one."

"More gay. Jesus is struggling. He's like, 'Stop, I'm Jesus. I'm not gay. Please. We're friends.'"

"I mean, I have like a million of these. Look at him. They're all flabbergasted by how gay he's acting." Uh, I think that's your son...acting that way. "No, that's Judas." No, that's Jesus. "What? Well, he's probably making fun of Judas." Whatever. "Whatever you." Whatever this. I'm done. That's all the news that's fit to...

Oh no. "WHEW, TOM CRUISE IS BACK!" Here to promote your new movie? "You know it! Whew! Knight and Day! Tom Cruise is ready for action no matter what time it is! WHEW, TOM CRUISE!" That movie looks horrendous. "Hey, what do you call the DAY after today?" Uh, Wednesday? "No, well, yes, but I mean, not today but...?" Tomorrow. "WHEW! TOM CRUISE, TOMorrow is ONLY a Day away. Knight and Day! WHEW!" Ok, this is getting old. "Hey, hey...hey." What! "Where do middle class yuppies who sip wine by a fire buy their clothes?" Jesus.  "J. Crew. THOMAS J. CREEEEUISE! WHEW! TOM CRUISE!!! Your middle name isn't J. "No, it's not." What is your middle name? "Sorry, Tom Cruise is out like Judas. Gotta go be awesome somewhere else." Finally, he admitted it. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is all the news that's fit to suck.