Today's Attractions: August 18, 2009

Medical examiners finally got around to opening up Michael Jackson on Monday.

"That ain't right." TITO JACKSON! "That's right, it me...Tito Jackson. How you boys and girls doin today?" It's actually just me, Tito. "That's alright. That's alright. I want to give a shout out to all those hatin on my dead brotha..." Ok, what are you shouting out? "Nothing, I thought that's how it went." Well, yeah, but usually people give a shout out to people they like or know. You're giving a shout out to people who hate your brother. "Exactly." So, you like people who hate your brother? "HELL NAH!" Ok, you're not understanding the reason for the shout out. "Hey, I wanna give a shout out to myself. I'm droppin a new album next week. Tito Jackson sings Michael Jackson's Greatest Hits. Pick it up and give it a listen. It'll move you." I highly doubt that. "Hey, I wanna give a shout out." To who? "...ta everybody."

(In 1930's voice) And now for some news on the unemployment front. Things are not lookin' good. No, they're not lookin' good at all. The nation is in turmoil, I say, turmoil, and President Roosevelt is doin' nothin' about it. Not nada, not zilch. Because he's dead. Luckily, President Obama has some tactics up his sleeve. That's right, the president is gettin down and dirty when it comes to lifting the down and out outta the dirt and strikin' health care loss right in the kissa. Though, in an effort to makin' health insurance affordable, more and more are continuing with their former employer's coverage through COBRA.

"I think people have the wrong idea. I'm not the COBRA they are looking for. I wish they would stop flocking to me. It's really getting quite irritating." Kind of like them making a movie about a bunch of toys from the 1980's? "We had a very successful cartoon series." Yeah, back in the 80's. "Look, I'm not Hollywood. I don't know why they do the things they do." Do you get royalties from this movie? "What are royalties...like do I get my own King? That's kind of ridiculous." Yeah, so is this segment. Moving on.

Between an absolutely wretched performance in Transformers 2 and another round of funding for 'Cash for Clunkers', Optimus Prime has decided to turn himself in to his local GMC dealership. "I get pretty shitty mileage. And I'm old as fuck. Like I don't even know how I'm still able to run or even transform." OP isn't the only celebrity to turn himself in to the program...

and...

and naturally...

The entire cast of Just the 10 of Us.

Uh, hello? What are you doing back. "What were you going to say about me?" Ok, why are you speaking in a British accent? "I speak in whatever accent I've just been exposed to." So, you came from Great Britain? "Well, they did just release like 15 years of UFO documents, even though they're all bullshit, but no, I just came from North Dakota." Ok, so, again, why are you speaking with a British accent? "I just saw the new Harry Potter movie." Wait, why are these documents...? "Awful." I'm sorry? "It was awful." The documents? "No, the new Harry Potter movie. It didn't make any sense. He's flying around, hexing this and chanting that. It was just a little preposterous if you ask me." Uh, ok, I'm sorry, but you have the nerve to call something you saw preposterous? "Yes." You're an alien. "Yes." You're pretty preposterous to a lot of people. "Not to the British." Those documents aren't even real. "Wanna go see The Time Traveler's Wife with me?" Sure. "Cool." Oh, I see your voice has changed to mimic that movie. You sound like a faggot now. "Oh, no, it's changed because I've been around you." HAY OH! What's next, Govna?

Oh, hello Brett Favre. Finally retiring? "What do you think?" No. "Yep, I'm playing for the Minnesota Vikings now." So, you're never going to retire? "No, I will...eventually. My goal now is to play at least one year with every team in existence." Then you'll retire. "Yes...no."

Seems cell phones are causing problems for 911 operators. Using your cell phone when you have a life ending boo boo could lead to misrouted calls, delayed information about the location of the caller and, most important, a slower emergency response. Here is a sample 911 call from a cell phone user...probably an AT&T iPhone user.

Caller: Hey
911 Operator: What's up?
Caller: Get to me.
911 Operator: What's the problem?
Caller: Sick. Dying. Need an ambulance, pronto.
911 Operator: What about tonto?
Caller: PRONTO!
911 Operator: Sir, I can barely hear you.
Caller: I'm a woman.
911 Operator: Where are you calling from?
Caller: The floor.
911 Operator: No, what is your address?
Caller: I don't know.
911 Operator: I'm sorry, I didn't hear you right. Sounded like you said you don't know.
Caller: No, you heard me right.
911 Operator: Ok, I can't send an ambulance to an unknown address.
Caller: Don't you have a GPS system that can track this call?
911 Operator: No. Not on a cell phone. Is there a land line near you?
Caller: No. Yes.
911 Operator: Can you use that instead?
Caller: I'd rather not.
911 Operator: Ma'am, I can't get to you if you don't use the land line or give me an address.
Caller: I don't know where I am. I'm scared.
911 Operator: Ma'am, please, can you get to the land line?
Caller: I swore off land lines six years ago.
911 Operator: It could save your life.
Caller: No, I'd rather die than use a land line. I don't watch basic cable, I don't write letters and I don't use land lines.
911 Operator: What city are you in?
Caller: New Jersey.
911 Operator: That's a state.
Caller: What?
911 Operator: NEW JERSEY IS A STATE!
Caller: WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING?
911 Operator: What city are you in?
Caller: I think I'm dead.
911 Operator: Ma'am, you're not dead.
Caller: How do you know?
911 Operator: Ma'am, what city are you in?
Caller: Wait, I see an envelope.
(Rustling of paper)
Caller: Uh, I'm in...Wilmington?
911 Operator: Wilmington, New Jersey?
Caller: No, Wilmington, Delaware.
911 Operator: Ma'am, can you give me the address on the envelope?
Caller: What the fuck am I doing in...OH, RIGHT!
911 Operator: Ma'am...
Caller: I remember now. I was kidnapped.
911 Operator: Jesus Christ. Ma'am, give me the goddamn address on the envelope and we can get you out of there.
Caller: Wait, I think the kidnapper is returning. I can ask him how to get here.
911 Operator: No, ma'am, read me the address on the envelope.
Voice: Who the fuck are you talking to?
Caller: No one.
Voice: YOU CALL THE COPS?
Caller: No. Yes...wait.
(Gunshots)
911 Operator: Ma'am? (Pause) Ma'am?
(rustling of phone)
Man's voice: Hello?
911 Operator: Uh, hello?
Man's voice: Yeah, uh, there's been an accident. I need an ambulance.
911 Operator: Sir, tell me your address and I'll send...
Man's voice: I can't live with what I've done. Send the ambulance to the address on your screen.
911 Operator: Sir, you're on a cell phone. Can you please use your land...
(Gun shot. Another gun shot. pause. One more gun shot)
911 Operator: Sir? Sir?

The moral of the story...cell phones commit murder. And that's all the news that's fit to suck.

Today's Attractions: August 13, 2009

Hey, where are you going? Nowhere. Hurricanes in the Atlantic are dropping in to say hello more frequent than at any other point in the last 1,000 years. "I ain't too big a dealin on it," one barely dressed human being admitted while laying on top of his Datsun that floated down the street. "I finally got that boat I always wanted. Beer?"

Speaking of rednecks, this glasses-wearing fuck from Georgia, the state, could face up to 60 years in prison for videotaping US landmarks and then sending the videos overseas to aid terrorist groups. Insaneul...Ensaneul...Ehsanul, EHSANUL, fuck, that's it...Ehsanul Islam Sadequee...huh, his middle name is Islam. Ok? That's not obvious. Anyway, the jackass says he's not a terrorist even though his best friend was convicted of helping terrorists and that he's obviously in cahoots with them because he's dark-skinned, so those two go hand in hand. And he has a t-shirt that says Big Terrorist but claims it's the Muslim version of those Big Johnson T-shirts from the 90's. One government official, when asked about this situation, pulled up his pants and laughed, "Why the fuck would he risk his freedom videotaping landmarks? What a fucking idiot. That's what the goddamn internet's for."


The redneck roll call continues. "Yup, I glued some guy's dick to his stomach in a hotel room. Guilty. As. Charged." That fine piece of ass above, along with three other women, sought revenge on a man they were all apparently in a fierce love triangle with. The man was not offended by what happened to him and in fact claimed it to be "funny as shit."

Oh, what idiotic things are you saying now Mr. Vice President of the country I live and breathe in? What? You said the Russians are "Big Bullies?" And now their Foreign Minister's feelings are hurt? You dumbdick. "Look, he said some things. Then I said some things. Things were said. And now, feelings are down." Biden apparently lost his faith in the Russians after finally sitting down to watch Rocky IV.

What's Biden's little buddy doing? Is he about to stab that Indian? Or did that Indian just blast a holy spirit out of his ass and O'Bomb is trying to avoid its spiritual stench. "I've been ho ho holding that in for almost thirty years. Was the ghost of my brother, Chief Running Joke." O'Bomb has no hard feelings for the situation. "I've pretty much been blasting hot air out of my ass for the past eight months. Ok, but all jokes aside, 'O'Bomb is really presenting the Medal of Freedom to Joe Medicine Crow-High Bird for having the longest, most ridiculous name in all the Indian Land. Then O'Bomb showed Crow-High Bird his collection of Andrew Jackson figurines.

After standing silent for almost eight grueling minutes from making a joke about what the difference between a Priest and Michael Jackson was, the Pope finally spoke again, this time with words so full of wisdom, the sky started raining shit. When referring to the Nazi concentration camps, the Pope called them "extreme symbols of evil" and "hell on earth." Huh. Thanks for clearing that up. We were all under the impression they were just really run down day spas. The Pope then received negative feedback from the audience about his hat, with one man claiming it was actually an "extreme symbol of evil, hell on earth and plain ole bad fashion."

Good news fatasses, eating chocolate two to three times a week is good for heart attack survivors, cutting down on heart disease.

"What? I had a heart attack." No you didn't. "I could." Probably.

To keep the streak of "Let's start producing a bunch of washed out 80's cartoon live-action movies," Hollywood is in the works to create next Summer's blockbuster revival...

The role of John Candy will be played by...

And that's enough of making fun of her.

"Hey, remember when I promised to use the power of government to openly conduct big Pharma talks and cut the cost of drugs to Medicare? You do? Oh, well, I obviously don't." Actually, O'bomb's administration has been psspsspss'ing to the drug people behind our backs and are now against using the government's leverage to bargain for lower drug prices. And they don't want cheaper drugs coming in from the Canucks. Oh, and they also agreed that pursuing Medicare rebates would be a really not necessary idea. So, yeah...sorry Grandmas.

Yikes! Moving on.

Crap. What? "Enough." Exactly. Now just apply that knowledge. "Look, I know I'm fat. I don't need to be the butt of everyone's jokes." I think you do. "Really?" Well, maybe you should feed off the negativity instead of that turkey leg you have in your hand. "I didn't have breakfast...for a second time today, so..." You don't have to like, rip it to shreds like a wild animal. You have bits all over your face. "They're for later." You're licking some of them off now. Gross, do you have to slurp up the skin like that? Oh no, you're about to cry. You're about to start using that really annoying Kirstie Alley voice you used to use on Cheers all the time. "I miss how I used to look." We all miss how you used to look. Remember you in Look Who's Talking? You were pretty hot in that. Now look at you. And John Travolta. Both of you could star in the movie version of Roseanne. Christ, look who can't stop eating that turkey leg. "This is a different turkey leg." We're done here.

Awww. This cat was murdered two seconds after this photo was taken. No, I'm kidding. It's fine. Maybe. I don't fucking know. But here's what I do know...scientists have discovered a gene that lets people not be cranky pants after just six hours of sleep.

Damnit Gene Shallot, get the hell out of here. "It's Shalit!" Whatever. "Don't see Funny People!" Huh? "Funny People. It just keeps not ending for 2.5 unendurable hours." No, no, I kind of agree with you. I remember thinking... "(horrid coughing almost like throwing up)" Oh shit, are you ok? Gene. GENE! "Yes, yes, this happens from time to time." What, you choking out of nowhere? "Hairs from my mustache get caught in my throat like mini facial hairballs." How often has this happened? "Oh about four times." That's not bad. "A day. About four times a day." Why don't you just shave the fucking thing already and be done with it? "I can't." Why? "I was born with it. Doctors say it's the only thing keeping the bottom half of my face attached to the top half." That makes no sense. "...SEE YOU AT THE MOVIES!!!" Ok, where...what was I even talking about before that unnecessary outburst that wasn't even funny...

Right. Dead kittens. No...

Passing out?

Mom?

Ha, that was a fun night.

No, we already did that. Fuck it. That's all the news that's fit to suck.