Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Today's Attractions: May 27, 2009

"Yay, I'm popular." Yeah you are. You are everywhere these days. Appearing in newspapers. On TV stations. Even being printed on Liberal bed sheets. To be honest, I really don't know shit about this woman and in fact, didn't even know she existed until a few days ago. From what I've read, she's extremely Hispanic, a woman, saved Major League Baseball and hated by Rush Limbaugh. But, then again, who isn't these days. I don't really know where she stands on anything. Some newspapers make her out to be a patron saint of minority activism and others portray her as a racist. Either way, she will never affect me on a personal basis; therefore, I don't give two shits about any of this.

Oh, those crazy North Koreans are up to no good again. They're all "up in arms"...get it? Never mind. Anyway, they're getting all boo hoo over their favorite southern neighbors joining forces with the US in an attempt to stop the NK's from testing their nuclear weapons. "We work hard on blowing up bombs. Those who don't let us do so will be punished. Me like miso soup!" Some guy that represents what the NK's think stated while feasting on a rabid dog. He was unable to comment further. "Oh, bad stomach ache from rabid dog. Me go throw up now."

"I'm sorry. I thought that last bit was extremely racist. I rule in favor of the North Koreans, not because I think they are right, but because you are white and they are not." Moving on.

You're done. Bondholders don't want to trade in their $27.2 billion in unsecured public debt notes for a 10% stake in the company once it's been restructured. One bondholder commented on this decision while eating a slice of pizza in his underwear, "Yeah, I don't even really know what public debt notes...I'm sorry, what am I trading in...?" Unsecured public debt notes. "Exactly, exactly. No. I don't like that word unsecured. Sounds kind of iffy if you ask me." The bondholder then proceeded to make a sad face after the cheese slid off his pizza and dropped on the floor.

Pick a card. Any card. As the recession continues to murder us all senseless, more Americans are having trouble paying their credit card bills which is resulting in lower credit scores. "I don't even remember taking a test," one American stated who shouldn't own a credit card or probably still be alive at this point. Another red, white and blue smartly admitted to, "using my credit card to pay for things I don't need because I can buy a $1,000 flat screen TV and only pay $20 a month for it. It's like it's gradually free." Yep. Probably why we're never going to get out of this mess in the first place.

Headline from USA Today: L.A. cracks down: No more than 10 goats allowed
Ok? Why is this an issue? And why are they cracking down on this? Like they've had meetings on this for awhile. Late night gatherings over coffee in the police station. Mulling over reports. Finalizing a plan. "Fellas, fellas, I know this city is riddled with crime and drugs, but we've got to stay focused. We've got to crack down on those goddamn goats. Now, I only have nine. Hennesy, how many do you have?" "I have six, boss." "Good, good. What about you Mickleson?" "I've got five, boss." "Excellent." "Uh, boss, I got eleven." "Dear God Baxter. We're only allowing ten." "I know. I know. It's the wife. She can't have kids, so they're like her children." "Damnit Baxter, you tell her the law is ten." "I will boss." "TEN!" "Alright boss, but she's not going to be happy." "Well, Baxter, a lot of people aren't going to be happy over the ten goat rule. But we're cops. It's our job to make people unhappy. Now, let's go get those goats."

"Mother fucker, I didn't give him shit." Senator Roland Burris denies that he ever gave former Governor Rod Blago money for Obama's senate seat even though there is a tape recording of Rolly Polly offering Rod money. "You said give him money. You never said anything about offering. Just like...I will offer you money not to print this story." Too late.

Ah, peace and quiet. And alien jizz. Not really. Scientists have found giant blobs of liquid dripping underneath the Great Basin, which consists of small mountain ranges out in Nevada and Utah and other states no one gives a shit about. According to some geo geek, who kept giving us the "live long and prosper" sign after just seeing the new Star Trek movie fifteen times in the past week, "The Earth is so radical. Underneath what we're standing on is the Earth's mantle. Please don't get that confused with the mantle on your fireplace." (Uncontrollable geek laughter and snorting). Anyhoo, the mantle consists of rock which deforms plastically over a very long period of time due to heat and pressure. Are you following me?" No. "In any event, material in the mantle, such as a heavy object will tend to sink through lighter material, thus creating this sort of lithospheric drip. Not to be confused with post-nasal drip." (more uncontrollable geek laughter and snorting and grabbing of the stomach in utter amazement over his own joke). When we asked him how this will affect the Earth, he told us it wouldn't and that this was basically just a gigantic waste of time. Much like this block of copy. Moving forward.

Dork Can't Spell Masturbation. IT'S NATIONAL SPELLING BEE TIME!!! You can catch the action on ESPN 360, a channel no one gets. "I'm just glad to be here," one competitor admitted right before getting his ass kicked by a revolving door. "I just love competition. The adrenaline pumping through me as they give me my word. It's like nothing you've ever experienced." Just like sex will be nothing you'll ever experience.

"Uh, have you seen my pantalones?" No. "I'LL KILL YOU!" Wow. Don't mess with a naked dictator.

"I love you only as much as the courts tell me to." The stupid ass bitch, whose son has cancer, finally agreed to chemotherapy even though it goes against everything she believes in. "We didn't really care about the actual cancer," one judge stated while eating an ice cream sandwich. "We just wanted to prove that we have ultimate control over human beings and can make them do things they don't necessarily believe in. Our ultimate goal is to get Tom Cruise to admit he's gay and stupid." Fortunately, no matter what reason was behind the ruling, the boy will be...

"Yeah! I'm Tom Cruise. I'm so fucking awesome. No one is as awesome as Tom Cruise." Let me guess, you're here because of the gay comment. "No, fuck that. I'm Tom Cruise. Even if I was gay, I'd still be Tom fucking Cruise." So, you are gay. "I never said that." But you said even if you were gay, you'd still be Tom Cruise. "Tom fucking Cruise." Whatever. I'm just saying, you never denied it. "I never not denied it." Ok, I still want to know..."Did you see fuckin Valkyrie?" What? No, I didn't see Valkyrie. "Why not. It fuckin rules! Tom Cruise! Whew!" I didn't want to spend $10 on a movie when I already know the ending to. Your character doesn't succeed. You don't kill Hitler. He kills himself. "Shhh, don't give away the ending." What ending? Everyone knows this. "TOM CRUISE!!!! Hey, what do you do when you're driving on the highway and don't feel like keeping your foot on the gas?" Dear God, really? "What do you do?" Sigh. You use cruise control. "WHEW! Cruise is ALWAYS in control!" Great, now, seriously, can I continue..."Hey, what do you call a vacation that takes place on a boat?" Really? "Vacation on a boat, go!" Fuck, you call it a cruise. Ok? "WHEW!!!" You call it a cruise. Are we done? "A FUCKIN' Cruuuuuise! WHEW! Tom Cruise!" Ok, I'm ignoring you.

This just in, Newt Gingrich is calling Sotomayor a racist...through Twitter. I don't think this should even count. Why is Newt twittering? I mean, it's bad enough Americans are hanging on to every tweet word from idiots like Spears and Kutcher, but now, we've got to...

Goddamnit, what? "Real quick. Real quick. WHEW! Ok, what do you call the GPS company that..." A Tom Tom. I get it. Fucking clever as shit. "FUCKIN TOM TOM CRUISE control in your car. AWESOME! FUCKINNNNNNNNN AWESOME! WHEW!" Are you done? "Scientology bitches!" I'm done for today.

"Wait, I haven't bitched about something in awhile." Fuck. Go ahead. "I got dropped from being in a Gary Marshall movie because apparently the producers think I'm overpriced." Well, aren't you? "Uh, hello, I'm Katherine Heigl. I'm hot and have huge boobies. I'm worth every penny I demand. I'm a saint. I withdrew my nomination from the Emmys last year because I wasn't given any good story lines that would warrant a nom. And look where bitching got me. They gave me cancer. CANCER! You can't buy that kind of writing. Well, I did." But every movie you've been in, aside from 'Knocked Up' has been depressingly terrible. "What about '27 Dresses'?" What about picking a story line that isn't painfully obvious. All your movies are an hour and a half of bullshit romance. You dying of cancer was the greatest thing you've ever done. "What about 'My Father the Hero'?" What about shutting the fuck up.

Wait, what is that bee holding? Is that an explosive device? Anyway. SPELLING BEE UPDATE!!!
Deborah Horton spelled EFFICIENT correctly after asking for the pronunciation, part of speech, for it to be used in a sentence and requesting a small, yet elaborate sketch to be performed involving the word. After a long, drawn out pause, she finally spelled the word correctly. She said she was going for irony. The judges are going for SCREWED as her next word. In any event, this really is said to be the most exciting spelling bee ever.

Wait...wrong picture...

No, hold on...

Shit. Where is it...

That's not it. Crap. hold on...oh, here it is...

No, just a pissed off Asian.

Ah, look at this kid. "Please, no autographs. I need complete concentration. CONCENTRATION. C-O-N-S...

This girl. Playing the crowd. "Calm down. Calm down. Let the master do her bidding..."

Bidding over.

This kid's thirteen. His word was ERECT. He started giggling. Then showed the audience instead of spelling the word. Guess he shouldn't have been standing so close to that pole.

"Hey, North Korea, cut this shit out or prepare to face the consequences."

"You prepare to face my consequences. He he he he he."

"Why aren't you wearing pants?"

"I want to compare penis size. You win. He he he he he he. Korean have small pee pee. American have big balls but teeny weeny boobies."

"Ok, seriously, you are acting like a child. You need to cut this shit out. Threatening South Korea. Testing your missiles. We've been over this..."

"Hey, 'Merica lady, do you want to test my missile? He he he he he."

"I don't think you understand how committed we are to defending South Korea and Japan."

"Oh, I don't think you know how committed I am to standing up right now. South Korea violate armistice from 1953. We not happy bout this. They side with you. We think this unfair. Unfair like body I must stare at every day. Not as unfair as body you must stare at every day."

"We are prepared to stop you at any cost necessary."

"Go 'head 'Merica lady. You try stop us; we blow up everything. We crazy. My body make frowny face at your accusations." Well, I guess we'll see how all this goes. Here to comment on the current situation over on that side of the planet is Korean Mr. Potato Head.

Good evening Korean Mister Potato Head. "Good Evaning to you too Mista American." So, what are your thoughts concerning the North Koreans plight to take over the world? "Me not concerned. Me call their bluff." Really, because I think they're pretty serious. "North Korea always whining about something. But whining stop once new and improved Korean Mister Potato Head hit shelves this August." How is that going to stop the North Koreans from shooting off their missiles? "Because, Korean Mister Potato Head bring joy to girl and boy North or South. Me one thing they can agree on.


"See. Nothing to worry bout. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to shove my body parts in my asshole, give myself colonoscopy." And on that note, that's all the news that's fit to suck. Sayonara.

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