Friday, May 8, 2009

Today's Attractions: May 11, 2009

"AHHHH, ya caught me you crazy crime fighters, you!" Yep, finally. Finally we can stop seeing your goddamn face all over the news for something everyone knew you did. And we were right. The former police sergeant, Drew Peterson, has finally been charged with murdering his third wife, who I guess was not the charm. And either was the fourth. Because she's been missing for more than a year and a half now. I'm not perplexed over the murder. I'm more uncomfortable with this guy getting married four times. Like, what was he hoping to accomplish with this one? And why does he feel the need to marry someone just to kill them? Can't he date them and then dispose of them? Does he really believe in 'till death do us part? Anyway, the jackass is going to jail where he'll probably get butt fucked unmercifully by someone's peter...son!

"I want you inside me." Ok. So, yeah, Lady Liberty's crown is reopening to the public for the first time since those crazies flew a plane into our hearts. Starting July 4th, thirty visitors an hour, chosen by lottery, will have the pleasure of climbing the 168-story spiral staircase, all so they can stand inside a crown and look out into that disgusting harbor. "I'm in a fucking wheelchair," one irate New Yorker screamed. "How the fuck am I supposed to get up there?" You're not.

Some guy that isn't Joe DiMaggio, died Friday morning. Dom DiMaggio, the former center fielder for the Red Sox was watching a replay of Thursday night's Red Sox game when he fielded his last breath of fresh air. "Who?" One guy on the street said when we asked him how he felt about Joe's younger brother finally kicking the bucket at the age of 92. Apparently, he was a spectacular player. He was a seven-time All Star and still holds the record for the longest consecutive game hitting streak in Boston Red Sox history. "Joe DiMaggio's been dead for ten years," another guy said when we told him that DiMaggio died. We cleared it up. That it was Dom. The guy spit in our face and walked away.

"Dear Diary, I hate Jews and think it's ok to kill them." What. Is. Your. Problem??? What is anyone's problem? And who writes that shit? To get caught eventually. So, yeah, that guy, Stephen Morgan had some issues with some Jewish girl named Johanna Justin-Jinich in 2007 when both of them were taking summer classes together at NYU. I guess Morgan was a little obsessed with JJJ, which caused her to file a harassment complaint that she later dropped. Bet she wishes she didn't do that. So, I guess he got all psycho over it and blamed her and her Jewish background, because a Christian would never file a harassment complaint, and so, decided to fill his journal with anti-Semitic remarks, blaming this and getting all skin head over that until finally, pop pop. What a piece. Seriously, someone should gut him with a Star of David.

Hey cars we won't drive for another 20 years. That's right. The government is cutting off funding for developing fuel cells for things that go vrooom. Something former president Bushy said would replace oil dependency. Energy Secretary Steven Chu, bless you, pretty much stated his reason as being, "Too hard." This makes me think of the other possible wonders we won't be grabbing on to any time soon.

Probably not a good idea anyway. People can barely drive when there's a ground below them.

Dumb. We'll never get this right.

No. You think gay marriage is controversial? What happens when someone wants to fuck their robot maid?

Stick to the movie. You're not going anywhere.

Even when it ends, we'll still never figure out what the fuck we sat through for the past six years.

We're not going to live on Mars or the Moon or any other freakin place so just get past this idea already.

Nope. Not now. Not ever.

I don't know if this ever took off. It shouldn't have.

Oh, you want to play? Maybe Pauly Shore will play you in a movie. And you can do the soundtrack.

Oh no. You're here? Part of the look-a-like loser club? You know who he is...

Ok, I'm getting pissed off. We need to...move on.

This bitch. This Notre Dame, I'm better than you because I went to the same school as Rudy, anti anti-abortion slut. She doesn't want Obama speaking at her little graduation. Because he supports abortion rights. Apparently this is a big deal. There's protests all over campus. Even the goddamn local bishop and former U.S. ambassador to the Vatican are crossing their arms and refusing to go. "I don't care if a woman is raped, she should still have that baby. Even if it is a constant reminder of that horrible horrible day in the alley or college dorm room or wherever these girls get defiled," one local protester stated while leaving an abortion clinic. Girls across campus plan on showing their support for not supporting the president by having tons of sex which they say will hopefully lead to tons and tons of babies born out of wedlock. That'll show him. There will be another speech down the road for those who don't want to listen to the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES speak at their graduation.

Can we please get another woman to start having more babies because this one's getting played out.
Awww, why so sad little one? Because minorities are getting the shaft when it comes to head coaching jobs in college football. It'll be ok. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the color of their skin but how good they are at their job. Yeah, I know only 9% of head coches aren't white, but things will change. I mean, look at this guy...

Goddamn president of the United States. He's got some black in him.

And this guy. He's a little bit of everything.

This bitch. Basically owns everything. Including this guy...

Oh, here's a good one...

Yeah, minority central. CEO of Pepsi. So, see, things are looking up. People just need something to bitch about. You'll learn that as you grow up. When you don't receive the job you wanted and fail to blame it on your experience but on the fact that you're a woman. Hey, at least one thing will never change for you: a good ole fashion sexual harrasment lawsuit.

Why, aren't you cute. It wasn't cute when a 137 pound orangutan decided to short circuit the electric fence that was keeping her caged in, and tried to make an escape at some Australian zoo on Sunday. She didn't really go anywhere. Just sort of sat at the top of the fence before realizing that her life was a lot better behind that fence. So, she made her way back inside. Smart move.
You don't want any part of what's out here.

Ok? Who are you? This guy. Got suspended from school. Why? For skipping a lot? No. Oh, maybe he threatened to go Colombine on everyone. No, he's actually a pretty nice guy. Ok, hmmm, this one is a tricky one. Did he molest school property? No. A student? No. A teacher? No. No. No. Give up? He went to another school's prom. (Wait for dramatic pause) I don't really know what else to say about this.
"Can I take a stab at this one?" KEVIN BACON. Please, by all means. "Well, you see, I once starred in a little movie you might have heard of awhile back. A little ditty called 'Footloose'. Ring any bells?" Yeah, we know Kevin Bacon. Please, continue. "Well, in this fictitious town, dancing and rock music had been outlawed by the government. Until I showed up and turned that little town upside down." Ok, so...? "So, basically, the kid was suspended because he went to a Christian school that outlawed dancing and rock music and hand holding." Ahh, ok, I see. So, it's like art imitating life imitating art. "Yeah, something like that. Oh, don't forget to check out the Bacon Brothers on Myspace." Thanks, asshole. Moving o....what?

Oh, John Lithgow, you were in 'Footloose' also. I guess you want to comment on this story. "Uh, no, actually, I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still here. That I haven't died, so please would someone throw some work my way. I've been in a slew of movies. Did some television, 3rd Rock from the Sun. Remember, I played an alien who..." Ok, that's enough John Lithgow. Thanks for stopping by. "I'VE WRITTEN POETRY AND SHORT STORIES FOR CHILDREN, TOO!" Leave! Ok, sorry about that. Where were we?

God bless you stars and stripes. So, we'll end things off on a positive note today. Five US soldiers were killed Monday as one of their own decided that murdering the opposition just wasn't fun enough anymore. So, instead he opened fire on his own team at one of the biggest American bases in Baghdad. And, on this positive note, that's all the news that's fit to suck. Happy Monday everyone!

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