Thursday, May 28, 2009

Today's Attractions: May 29, 2009

Daddy, I want one of those. The U.S. wants to live in style, requesting $736 million to construct a brand new U.S. embassy over in Islamabad. "We're serious about our commitment to South Asia," Obama stated while lighting a cigarette with another cigarette. "Plus, fuckin' free place to stay and shit. Who wants to touch me before they leave?" The O-bomb admin is planning other projects in Afghanistan and Pakistan. "We're pretty much going to take over that area of the world. And we already own this part of the world, so technically, our goal is to take over the entire world," one cabinet member stated while licking his fingers and wiping them over Obama's face to remove some dirt. "The only thing that stands in our way from complete domination is China, but we're sending one of our top aids over there today."

And there they go now.

And now it's time for, Hey, That's What I Always Say. Usually, the Secretary of Defense doesn't argue against receiving money for new weapons they don't really need just so they can make their constituents happy, but Secretary of Defense Robert Gates doesn't want new weapons. He thinks this will take money away from programs needed to defend our troops over in No Mans Land right now. So, when asked how he thinks Congress will react to his outspokenness, Gates replied with, "What are they going to do, fire me?" And, that's what I always say.

Cookie C. Monster is taking a leave of absence from Sesame Street so he can continue his interrogation work on al-Qaeda operatives. "They like COOKIES." Yes, but what about sleep deprivation or waterboarding? I hear that was an extemely fun practice. "No, COOKIES." I'm sorry, but I didn't know you had a middle name. "Well, now you do." Let me guess, it stands for Cookie. "No, actually, it stands for Charles." Why are you speaking in a British accent? "Because that's where I'm from. I'm sorry, but I thought we were going to discuss my COOKIE interrogation practices." Yeah, in a minute. When did you become British? "Um, when I was born. Seriously, must I sit through this kind of questioning? I have terrorists to feed." Yeah, we'll get back to that..."I mean, I was able to get Abu Jandal to talk with a handful of sugar-free COOKIES and out of all the other terrorists we captured, he was the closest to Osama." Why sugar-free? "He's diabetic. We show him respect, he talks. It's simple." So, your whole 'I'm a crazy cookie monster is just an act? "Yeah, I'm an actor. Just like I thought you were a journalist, but I guess I was wrong." My entire childhood is a lie. "Yeah, well, life sucks. Want a COOKIE?" Why do you do that? "Do what?" You scream cookie when you say cookie. "I'm a COOKIE monster. That's what I do." Of course.

Hey Jeff Zucker. CEO of NBC Universal. What are you doing here? And why is there a hand without an owner just hanging out on your shoulder? "I don't know whose hand that is, but I'm Jeff Zucker, so fuck it. I make things happen." Yeah, like coming in as the fourth most watched network. "Yeah, it's all part of a bigger plan." Bigger plan? You averaged 4.4 million prime-time viewers last week. "We made history." I don't think that's the kind of history you want to be making. "Look, I'm Jeff Zucker, I make things happen." You already said that. "We've teamed up with Hulu. That's going to prove to be huge for us in the future. Fuck TV. Internet is where it's out. Yo, I want to give a shout out to Brandon Tartikoff up in the Hizzy Heaven. Taught me everything I know." (pounds fist to his chest. Twice.) Yeah, well, obviously not enough. Brandon managed to turn NBC around. "And that's what I'm doing with Hulu...eventually. I'm Jeff Zucker..." Yeah, you get things done. "Look, I've got more to deal with than Brandon did. He didn't have all these cable networks and Facebook and video games taking up his viewers' prescious time." No, he just had to deal with cancer...while running a network. "Look, I know everyone thinks Seinfeld was like the holy grail of comedy, but if it was on today, I don't think it would be as popular. Yo, you got any yay on you?" What? "Yay yo, you know...nose candy. Cocain." No. "Just wait, things are gonna get..."

"What do you mean we wouldn't have lasted? We would have lasted. There's lasting. Lots of lasting." Oh shit. You're going to start screaming in that shrill voice of yours aren't you? "What's the deal with my voice. Am I angry? Am I excited? Do I have to question every little thing that happens on a daily basis?" I don't kno... "INEXCUSABLE!" What? "JEFF ZUCKER IS INEXCUSABLE!!!" Stop screaming. "What's the deal with screaming? I mean, if everyone stopped screaming, then everyone could be heard. This guy could talk to that guy and still be heard by that guy who is trying to talk to that guy. There'd be no need for screaming. Everyone could just talk and life would be good. It would be great. It would GRAND!" Ok, so you're really just here to take space in this blog. "What's the deal with blogging? I mean everyone is blogging. You're blogging. I'm blogging. THE WHOLE WORLD IS BLOGGING! It's like we're all screaming...VIRTUALLY!" Ok, that's enough.

Woops. So, some mom decided to drive her car into a goddamn preschool in Huntington Beach on Thursday, after dropping her kid off at school. No one was really hurt except the car. "I dun know what happened," the mom said while pissing in an alley and slamming an empty 40 oz. bottle of malt liquor on the ground. "I jus wan..." And she's passed out.


"What's the deal with Spelling Bees? They're not spelling words inside a swarm of bees. I think that would make it more interesting. Give them a word. Release a bee. If they stumble...release more bees. IT JUST MAKES SENSE!!! I played a bee once..."

So, only eleven remain in the 2009 National Spelling Bee. And this girl is not one of them. And it seems this is a pretty intense year. Here, this is a line from a USA Today article: "Rarely has a spelling bee round been this brutal." I don't think I ever thought the words 'spelling bee' and 'brutal' would be used in the same sentence. But it's happened. The article goes into more detail about sad children and let downs and loneliness and suicidal thoughts but I just don't feel like regurgitating the mess that is the 2009 National Spelling Bee.

This mess. "Tee hee. We release notha one." North Korea launched another short-range missile in response to the U.N. Security Council's considerations over holding tough sanctions over the NK's nuclear testing. "We act in self-defense. Provoke us U.N. And U N be sorry. He he he he." That doesn't even make sense. Secretary of Defense, Robert Gates isn't worried. "I'm not doing shit about this. What are they going to do, fire me? We need to focus on what's really important right now. Saving GM."

What is not worth saving are some of California's state parks. Arnold wants to "terminate" ha ha, very funny Huffington Post...anyway, he wants to close 220 state parks to cut the deficit. Doing so could result in...

"I WANT TO SMASH LITTLE TREES." Oh god. "IT WILL BE THEIR END OF DAYS." Ok, very funny. "I WILL ERASER THEIR EXISTENCE." Ok, now you're just using movie's you've been in. "THESE ARE NOT TRUE LIES. I WILL JINGLE ALL THE WAY!" That one doesn't even work. And, what the fuck is on your lip. "Vhat do you mean?" Your lip. Is that herpes? "No, I cut myself to bring fear to little plants as I give them a Raw Deal while going Commando on their photosynthesis asses. I will be their Last Action Hero." Ok, I've had enough of you. "Vait. Vhere are you going? Vhere are you Running...Man?"

Tonight is Jay Leno's last night as the host of the 'Tonight Show'. After 17 years, Jay will hand the job over to Conan on Monday. This is only the third time the show has switched hosts. But he's not entirely retiring. He'll still be on at 10 on NBC...another award-winning move by this guy...

"Fuck you, dude. I'm Jeff Zucker. I make things happen."


Remember him? He had a 'people to kill' list in 'Billy Madison' and we thought it was hilarious. Well, some eleven year old girl also made a 'people to kill' list and authorities aren't finding it so amusing. "She is crazy, but organized," one police officer stated, citing the excel spreadsheet she used to draw up the list. The list was written in the school library under the name "killbook.xls." So, I guess she wasn't going for secrecy. "We think her list was a little pretentious," one of the teachers who was threatened stated. "An excel spreadsheet? Give me a break. A goddamn piece of notebook paper and pencil would have done. That's what I use every year when making my 'children I'd like to kill but can't because I'm not a fucking psycho' list."

No. "I'll be quick. I'll be quick." Fine. "Twins 2. There. I'm done." Yeah, you are.

So, some gay kid was picked as prom queen in an L.A. school. Everyone thought it was a joke. But then he ended up winning. And then winning the hearts of all his classmates. "I just want to be me. So, I told them that. I prepared by watching every high school movie ever made where the dork makes some big grand speech that causes everyone to suddenly change their minds and erupt in joyous, wrongful praise. And it worked! I'm thinking of making my life into a movie: Queen Me, Bitch." I'm thinking I'm sick of doing this. So, yeah, that's all the news that's fit to suck. Have a great weekend.

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