Friday, May 15, 2009

Today's Attractions: May 18, 2009

Look while you still can. G.M. is getting rid of 1,100 dealerships across the country. They aren't going to announce this publicly. "People will get it when they drive by and there's a Wal-Mart or Starbucks where a row of unwanted cars used to be," one higher up in G.M. stated while literally shitting out a $20 bill right in front of our eyes.

Ahhhh! Fuck! Don't just show up like that. Jesus. Pelosi claims she didn't know shit about waterboarding but the CIA is claiming they specifically told her and even denied her request to participate in the torture practices. "Whaaaaat?" Pelosi said while filling a cooler with water. "Uh, I'm...thirsty." Authorities vehemenatly disagree with Pelosi, with one citing, "The bitch is lying. She had pictures from various waterboarding sessions on her Facebook page. She was in a few of them. Giving a thumbs up." Pelosi claimed a few months ago that she was photoshopped in those pictures. When asked again, she said she's never even heard of photoshop.

Still there. God tried to get rid of LA Sunday night, but no dice. "I was bored," God stated while reorganizing his sock drawer and then getting angry over finding a mismatched pair. "Where the hell does the other sock go? And it always happens. Like there's some tunnel in the washing machine that leads to Narnia or some shit. But, yeah, the earthquake. Guess I was more tired than I thought. I was really ready to get rid of that place. Maybe I'll wait until Heidi and Spencer get back."

These two. Can't agree on anything. "I want Mexican for lunch," Netanyahu said. "I want Pakistani," Obama stated to which Netanyahu responded, "Are you...are you fucking serious?" The two leaders are meeting Monday to discuss why the Middle East sucks dick and how they can keep it from ruining the rest of the world. Obama wants to create an indepedant Palestinian state next to Israel. Netanyahu kept making fart noises with his iPhone everytime he disagreed with Obama. The two sides are said to be drawing up a reality show type solution where both sides will compete for total land domination. The show will be hosted by this guy...

Speaking of people who can't keep their mouth shut...

You. Always saying something you shouldn't be. Stick to saying what Tina Fey writes for you and you should be ok. The only Baldwin who still has a career going, unless you count Stephen who somehow manages to keep his fat head just slightly above water, spouted off some jokes about ordering a Filipino mail-order bride. Well, this made some Senator over there go all crying baby about it claiming that the actor was "arrogant" and that he would beat Mr. Baldwin if he ever showed his face in the Philippines. Alec Baldwin just chuckled over this and then called his daughter to take his frustrations out on her.

"How the fuck did that bitch get pregnant?" Obama said while pointing at some really fat ugly girl before his controversal speech at Notre Dame. The president is ok with abortion. Some people at the Catholic college are not. So they bitched. And held rallies. And murdered children to prove their point. "I'M PRO CHOICE TO KILL!!!" One bitch yelled while jamming a coat hanger up her vagina. The president tried to calm opposing view points during his speech, which seemed to be going well until someone chucked a dead fetus at his face.

Imagine trying to abort this guy. A new study done by some Aussie's drunk off Fosters claims that taller people earn more money than short people. "Short people are scary," one Australian guy admitted. "I have a sign outside my office that says 'you must be this tall to walk in here and speak to me.'" The study also claims that fat people do not suffer lower wages due to their inability to keep their goddamn hands out of the refrigerator.

This guy. Ready to get back in the pool and break some fucking records. “I’m so stoned…STOKED! I’m stoked to be back in the water again,” Michael Phelps stated while rushing around his apartment, secretly putting things away for no one to see. “I have some kind buds in upper management who were willing to give me another shot. I took some big hits and now I’m ready to put all that behind me. Not to be blunt, but I’m ready to reinvent myself. Go hydro in that water. I’m pretty cashed with some of my old swim moves. My new ones are dope. I’m gonna blow up every joint I come across. Gonna live in that pool. Until my eyes are blood shot. You’ll see…God, I love weed. And strippers and cocktail waitresses and three-ways. I’m very talented in that department.” Wow. Thanks for that. Seems Phelps new outlook on life is working...for the opponent. He's lost twice in the past two days.

Go Bulldogs! No? Not right now? Gotcha. Some kid at some school that I don't feel like typing out its name, in Louisiana, tried to shoot his teacher but missed and ended up shooting himself in the bathroom. "All I did was scold him on his aim," the teacher said while making her students write 'Practice makes perfect' 50 times on the blackboard. "I didn't know he'd go all Colombine over it. Better he learns disappointment now." The student is in critical condition at the hospital. "Christ, he couldn't even off himself?" the teacher added.

Aw, how relaxing. You guys having a good time? Just enjoying some lazy days on your vacation? Yeah, too bad all your shit is being stolen from your hotel room right now. That's right, hotel crimes are up because of the recession. Less security means more crafty fingers from hotel staff. "Yeah, I steal. But I make a mean bed," one out-of-work maid claimed while trying to steal my laptop while I was typing on it. This brings us to our quote of the day: "I don't have a job. So, I just kill people who do." - guy out of a job. That was stupid. Moving on.

Who are you? Information Minister Qamar Zaman Kaira? So, you gather information for Jesus or something? No? You work for the Pakistani government? This should be good. Seems Guy Smiley above is claiming that Pakistan is not trying to blow up the world by expanding their nuclear arsenal. Some people over on our side say they are. "We know they are. Just like we knew Saddam was hiding WMDs. We're US intelligence. We get shit done." Pakistan is worried the US is trying to steal some of their arsenal. Their Prime Minister assures intelligence that the arsenal is "safe and will remain sa...goddamnit who took some of the arsenal? Omar, was it you? I know it was you Omar...Omar...don't make me come over there..."

"I love you more." "NO, I love you more." "NO, I love...hold on, gotta go blow up some Arabs." So, online dating sites are becoming more popular for soldiers stuck over in Iraq. Seems that the closer they get to death, the more they start thinking about relationships and how horrible it would be to die alone. "Sometimes, when I'm dodging a land mine or a round of fire from an enemy or even someone from my own unit, I can't help but smilin' knowing that if I do get back to camp alive, there'll be a message waiting for me from her," one soldier admitted before getting his hands blown off by a grenade. Still, others are skeptical. "What if I get back and she's really fat? I mean, I know I shouldn't complain since I'm balding and kind of chubby myself and am missing my left ear and feeling in my right arm, but still, I don't want nuthin I can't put my one good arm around." Of course, it has caused some people back home to try the popular dating sites figuring if it works for our soldiers, maybe it can work for them. People like...

Might as well, Kate.

Wow, she might not even be dead. Why don't you wait and see how the season premier goes next year.

Well, if you survive the blast. And make it back to a time when the internet actually exists. But yeah, fuck Sawyer and Jack.

And this is the picture he's using.

Uh, you already have like seven wives as it is.

Not sure how that will work...

Or that...

Kidding. He's dead.


No, I just thought this picture was funny...
I'm done. What a shitty news day. Maybe tomorrow will be better. But most likely not. Until then, that's all the news that's fit to suck.

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