Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Today's Attractions: May 12, 2009

Why are you two smiling? Your lives have been a goddamn lie for the past 56 years. Yeah, these two, switched at birth in 1953. And they just found out about it. Because some tattle tale somewhere decided to open up a can of worms. I mean, sure, they've both been living a horrible lie their entire lives. But they're 56. Does it really matter at this point? Apparently, they've become besties and celebrated their birthdays together. They even call each other swisters. How adorably unfortunate.

Jesus! What the Christ happened here? Not knowing what the hell you're doing is what happened here. It seems the pilot of that plane that crashed a few months ago into a house in Buffalo, killing all 49 people aboard and one innocent guy on the ground who was probably minding his own business or just found the love of his life or something fantastic, didn't know how to work a goddamn plane. "Yeah, it seems he was a little slow. But, uh, he caught on...kind of. Guess not, actually. You guys smell something burning?" some training instructor who isn't a training instructor anymore said before walking off. The pilot has been replaced with this guy...

Get it? Because he faked a plane crash? Not with me on this one? Ok, moving on.

"Now? Now? Na...just take the goddamn picture already," the Pope muttered while standing outside a shiny dome in Jerusalem. The man in white is touring the Middle East on a "journey of faith." And to decide who shall live or die: the Jews or the Muslims. In the meantime, the Pope seems a little distraught over his little journey. "I get one vacation a year and this is not where I wanted to go. The Bahamas would be nice. But this place...it's so goddamn hot here. I don't know what the fuck these people are fighting over. I wouldn't want to live here. You're not going to print any of that are you?" Woops.

"Hey, gays are dumb and my boobies aren't." Why was she asked if gays should have the right to marry? That's just asking for controversy. And the dumb bitch doesn't think they should. "I'm pretty. I can say whatever I want and it's cute." No, you can't. And it's not. You live in beauty pageant land where real life issues don't concern you.

Nothing concerns you. You think her nude pictures were lovely. Which means she's staying Miss California.

CALYFORNYA!!! This guy wants to legalize marijuana.

And this guy wants to legalize murder.

And this guy wants to legalize outfits that look like this.

A new study reveals that the bad boy doesn't always get the girl. "No shit," Darth Vader said even though we really just wanted to use his image to portray a bad boy. Anyway, the study was done in a South American tribe. With the highest murder rate. Ok? This doesn't really help us, but continue. So, yeah, the girls in this tribe don't really like the aggresive guys in the tribe. Probably because they're out murdering all night. Listen, it's cool that someone wanted to do a study about bad guys not getting the girl, prob. a good guy who wanted to make himself feel better, but this doesn't really compare to bad boys us good guys have grown to hate here in America. Our bad boys are sissies compared to these murderous, blood-thirsty neaderthals. Ours just cheat and lie and take tons of drugs...

This is our bad boy. He's wearing a goddamn top hat.

This is theirs. Fuck! Get that ear checked out.

Another one of our bad boys. He's wearing a suit. And a tie. And some Scottish vest of some sorts.

Again, one of theirs. Don't want to really get into an argument with him. And, just so we make this abundantly clear, one of ours...

No, Michael Cera...no.

Remember me? Shot three people a few weeks ago in Athens, GA while my kids were in the car...dropped them off with a neighbor then disappeared causing a state-wide manhunt. Well, you can add four to the death list. Yep, George Zinkhan, apparently shot himself in the head right after digging a nice little hole for his body to fall into. "We're not sure why he wanted to dig a hole," one Georgia police officer stated. "Maybe to make it harder for us to find him. Yep, he's a sneaky little bastard. But we found you Zinkhan. We. Found. You." Then, the police man took a snippet of Zinkhan's mustache and walked off into the sunset.

Hmm, staying in Georgia I see. Sticking to the murderous rampage and then turning the gun on myself theme. Gotcha. So, yeah, remember this guy? Roided out and killed his family and then himself in 2007? Pro-wrestler, Chris Benoit? Ok, well, anyway, his doctor just got sentenced to 10 years in prison for writing prescriptions for things he shouldn't have been writing prescriptions. "Sucks for me," the doctor said before downing a hand full of uppers and then following the guards to his jail cell.

A new study claims that Georgia has been named one of the most family-friendly states to live in. Well, this is good new for those who are searching for a place they can finally call ho...

What are you doing back? "I'm sorry, I don't mean to interrupt." Well, you are. "I know. I'm sorry. I'm just kind of offended by your ear remark." What? "The remark you made about my ear earlier. I'm kind of put off by it." That was like seven pictures ago. "I know. I know, I should be over it by now. But, uh, truth me told, I'm not." Ok, well, what do you want me to do? "I'd like you to apologize." Are you serious? "I just think it was a little rude, that's all." Fine. Whatever. I'm sorry. "Ok, maybe I wasn't clear enough. I'd like you to apologize and mean it. " Are you fucking serious? "Yes. I'm very sensitive about my ear. I was born like this." You didn't get that from hunting or as some cultural ritual? "No, I was born like this. If you had a cleft lip, I wouldn't poke fun at you." But I don't have a cleft lip. "I said if. Work with me here. I just want an apology." Fine. "That's all I'm asking for..." OK! "Just a simple..." Fine, I get it. I'm sorry. I mean it. "There, was that so hard?" Jesus, what the fuck was that...

Oh, shit, what? You want an apology too now? "No, I just wanted to remind everyone to visit the Bacon Brothers site on Myspace. We've got some really cool songs. Uh, I'm in the band so that's also really cool. And, yeah, please, check us out." Christ, anyone else want to say something?

"I'd like an apology." I'm sure you would. Moving on. Oh, here's something neat. Some mysterious bottle full of black smoke was released in an Illinois high school, sending 13 students to the hospital. No one knows who put it there or what it was, but some some say they saw this...

Dumb. Still others just think it was a ton of weed smoke from a really dirty bong.

CALYFORNYA!!! Exactly.

"Whoa, whoa whoa...define celibacy." This guy is considering leaving the church so he can be with the woman he loves. "Basically, I just want to fuck," Father Alberto Cutie didn't actually say but, yeah, you're thinking it. There should be a mark over that e indicating that his name is not as adorable as it looks. In any event, the Priest has been seen pacing back and forth in his Miami home, walking between a picture of God and a poster of Megan Fox. Megan Fox was not available for comment but...

This guy was. "Just fuck the bitch already, Christ Almighty!"

"Yes, dad?"

"Shit, this is going to cause some controversy."

"Did someone say controversy?" CAN WE MOVE ON?

"Give me some skin my ni..." Whoa-k. Dave Bing, former NBA superstar, was sworn in as Mayor of Detroit on Tuesday. Formerly using some small, leaky City Hall office on Monday before the swearing of the in, Bing kicked open the door to his new office and informed the old Mayor to "Get the fuck out of my Gotdamn office!" Bing is excited about the next 7 months, where he is carrying out the old Mayor's term in office. He hopes to be re-elected for another 4 years where he'll PASS bills, SHOOT for progress and DRIBBLE piss down the side of his leg after he figures out what the hell he's gotten himself into.

And in a related story, Mathew Perry who played Chandler Bing on NBC's 'Friends' still isn't really doing much with his career post Bing. "I play the adult version of Zach Efron's character in some movie that's been done 1,000 times and yet for some reason, keeps getting made." I don't want to do this anymore. That's all the news that's fit to suck.

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