Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Today's Attractions: May 21, 2009

Ok. Good way to start off the news today. So, great news for people who don't live in Milwaukee. And aren't prostitutes. Or slinging crack. Police have linked a seventh slaying to some crazy serial murderer who has been slashing jugulars over the past two decades. "We're not really concerned. He's basically going after prostitutes. And they aren't really people, so we're not really going to act like police officers," the police chief stated before slashing a prostitute over receiving the news that Brett Favre is in talks with the Minnesota Vikings.

This guy. Saw everything. But isn't talking. So, some guy was shot outside some Harvard dorm Monday afternoon. Police don't know who the man was or if he was even a student at Harvard. And they don't know who the shooter was either. "We got nothing. Just like those fucks in Milwaukee," one police officer stated before beating a student for being smarter than he was.

Speaking of being shot, I watched this last night. All fucking 2 hours. And that's the face I was making the whole time. Disbelief over sitting through this mess. Look at Ryan Feelbreast. Like a goddamn leprechaun in a suit. But yeah, that guy in the middle won. The guy to his right should have. Even though I'm still not sure what sex he is, his voice is like Freddy Mercury but without the aids. But picking the wrong winner wasn't the only disaster of the evening. There was of course...
Right on cue. She didn't try to sleep with anyone this season. Well, except this guy...

But who hasn't. Such a striking, good looking young man with absolutely no strings attached. Like a wife. Or a thousand kids. Or a tv show documenting his blessed life. What an asshole.

Just like that woman. "Hey, I don't want my kid to live because I'm a stupid bitch who will deny medical treatment so I can cast some voodoo spell on him instead." Because idiocy cures cancer. The kid with the hat on and reddish sweatshirt has a tumor in his chest. And it's growing. And could probably stop growing and actually be destroyed if his goddamn mom would take him to a hospital. But, instead, she's god knows where with her dying son, probably on her way to Mexico where they'll catch swine flu and die. The father is also standing trial for wearing a purple long sleeved shirt tucked into jeans. We should probably move on. In other news...

Wait. Who the fuck are you? "An American Indian speaking on behalf of the cancer kid." Ok? "His mother has every right to deny him sanitary, conventional methods of treatment that have proven to be successful in treating tumors such as this one for many many many people over the years." Ok, I'm sorry, you have a goddamn bird on your head. "Yes." So, you know there's a bird sitting on your head. "Yes. I put him there." You put a bird on your head? "Yes." Why doesn't it fly away? "Because he's dead." How...ok, you have a dead bird on your head. "Yes." Why the fuck is there a dead bird on your fucking head? "Why isn't there one on yours?" You need to go. "Can I say one more thing?" What? "San Dimas high school football rules!" Wow. Ok, let's see what else we have in the n...

What the christ? "Hello." Are you an alien? "No, no, I'm a cancer cell." Fuck. Go ahead. "I won't be long. I have to go murder an innocent person. I just wanted to say that the guy above is a complete fucking idiot and there's just no way in hell that starving me with organic supplements and high-alkaline water is going to make me go away. I mean, that's just a fucking joke. It will actually piss me off more...

"Can I just say something to that?"

"No, you had your turn. Shut up and listen to me. You're not going to get rid of me with that spiritual bullshit. I am cancer for christ sakes. Ok? Cancer. Do you know what that means? I will fucking kill you, man. That's why God invented scientists so he could destory things like me and why he invented Andrew Jacksons, so he could get rid of idiots like you." Whoa, you're being a bit cruel with the Andrew Jackson remark.

"No, he's actually spot on." Ok, well, can't argue with God. Can we please move on?

"Really, really quickly because this bird is starting to smell and I have to go cure some locals who just got back from Mexico, but, uh, I know a lot of you think that science is the only way to get rid of ailments and such, but you're wrong. Although it can help, our methods have proven to heal people who were not able to be healed when seeking conventional methods. We've been doing it for thousands of years and will continue doing it for..."

I'm sorry, but this picture of Skippy from 'Family Ties' was far more interesting than what you were going on about. We're moving on. Finally. What else has happened that shouldn't have?

Awww, you look sweet. Maybe the news is getting better. Are you Skippy's grandmother? Do you need help walking across the street? No? What? You fucking molested young boys at a Milwaukee middle school in the 1960s? What? That wasn't the first time? You did the same thing in Chicago before transferring to Milwaukee? Jesus! What the hell is wrong with you people? I don't see how this could get worse. What? The church you were a part of knew about all this? And didn't say anything? Jesus...

"He's busy. I'll field this one. I created man in the image of me. Man is fucked up. So, what does that say about me? Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to watch the chaos in the middle east unfold while masterbating." Should we even continue?

We're not even going to sugar coat this one. Some asshole in Springfield, IL who works as Santa during the holidays and a clown when it's not Christmas has been charged with jerking off to child porn. Cops found kids engaged in activities that kids shouldn't be doing on Jolly St. Dicks computer. "Ho, Ho..." No, Santa. You can decide who's naughty and who's nice all you want when you're getting drilled in the ass by some Nazi skin head.

I don't expect you to watch this. Well, I would if there wasn't a goddamn 16 second commercial, but whatever. So, some guy in a wheelchair got attacked not once but twice in a parking lot down in Miami-Dade, FL. Maybe you should watch it. It's not funny, but, well, you know. The thing I'm more baffled over is that the man in the wheelchair is fighting back...with his legs. You're in a wheelchair and you're using your legs to kick someone. Why are you in the wheelchair? Anyway, this really does prove that Florida sucks.

Foiled again. Some guys in NY who obviously are jealous of people like Jerry Seinfeld, half of Michael Douglas and the Fonz, tried to blow up some synagogues but were stopped by the crafty FBI-NYPD Joint Terrorist Task Force. "We've been on to them for awhile," one NYPD guy stated. "We gave them fake explosives in a previous sting operation." "Fake?" Another NYPD individual stated in a shocked tone while bench pressing 200 lbs underneath a poster of Adolf Hitler. The task force, while satisfied with themselves, know this won't be the end. "It'll happen again. Let's face it, people just don't like Jews. I mean, look at that guy." To which his partner responded by ripping apart a Sammy Davis Jr. bobble head and then screaming, "HE CHOSE TO BE JEWISH!!!"

Five cops in Alabama have been fired for beating the shit out of an unconscious Anthony Warren back in 2008. I like this quote curteousy of USA Today: "No, I don't think race was a factor in the beating," Jefferson County District Attorney Brandon Falls said. "The officers … were African American and Caucasian. Warren is black." So, I don't get it. The officers weren't black but African American. What's the goddamn difference? Hate is hate. But, yeah, I don't think it was because Warren was an African Amer...sorry...black, either. I think it was because of frustration...after chasing the asshole down the highway, weaving in and out of traffic, almost killing innocent people, including yourself, just because Warren pulled a fucking OJ. And why was he running from the cops? Because he struck a police officer with his vehicle, breaking the officer's legs. Yeah, sorry, don't feel sorry for you Warren. I would have beaten the shit out of you, too.

"But, I'm sad panda. :( " No. Moving. On.

President Obama's newly appoined Ambassador to China, John Huntsman, called Obama's China policy "A complete blackout." Well, that's fucking racist.

After watching 'Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay', President O-bomb is determined to shut down the prison camp. "It was just far too easy for those guys to escape. And if they can do it, I'm sure the terrorists will have no problem," Obama stated after ejecting the disk from his DVD player and chucking it in the garbage. Congress is not behind the President on his decision. "We can't just throw these people in with every day murderers and rapists," one member of Congress said after running over a teenage girl and then paying someone to cover it up. "They just don't think the same. One group is willing to go to any length to kill, even if it means killing themselves and the other is still full of red-blooded Americans that deserve to live a terrorist-free life in small-living quarters that are probably worse than the ones the terrorists had over at G-Bay. G-Bay, I like that. It's like E-bay but with a G. I'm in Congress. I'm smart."

This bitch...called this guy...

Hey Glenn Beck, it's an honor...anyway, Whoopi called Beck a "lying sack of dog mess" because of some incident that took place on a train that no one could really give two shits about since the world is full of wars and flus and people refusing treatment for cancer...

"Just one more thing about that..." NO.

So, Beck apologized and then called Whoopi's career "a horrible sack of dog shit", citing the following to prove his point:

Apparently it was a big hit outside the US.
Mmm hmmm....

Yep...which means...

this shit was made. And who can forget this classic tale...

And finally...

This gem.

This asshole. Wants to break the record for most snails on the face for ten seconds. Because this has been done before. Someone had the idea to see how many snails they could shove on their face for ten seconds. The 11-year-old got 43 but will continue to receive 0 dates for the rest of his life. Other world records include:

Oldest man to discover he has a 47-year old son named Larry King, Jr.

Youngest person on a failing TV show to receive long ass tattoo in Italian that's misspelled.

Most idiotic statements said in shortest amount of time.

Biggest disaster under 90 lbs.

Biggest disaster over 250 lbs.

Largest number of people to simultaneously apply for unemployment immediately after taking their final exams.

Highest celebrity status for being absolutely nobodies. I'm bored. So, that's all the news that's fit to suck.

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