Today's Attractions: June 12, 2009

This fuck. Opening fire at the Holocaust museum on Wednesday, killing a guard. He's 88. Yeah, that's right. 88. He's crazy, yes. But he's done a fantastic job of taking care of himself. He looks maybe...MAYBE 60 at the most. But 88? That's just insane. Just like you James von Brunn. Just. Like. You.

"You like the Netanyahu, don't chu?" No, he's probably not saying that. He is possibly saying that he'll support the idea of a Palestinian state. "I am a fan of the fighting, but uh, yeah, everyone else kind of wants some peace around here, so I guess I might agree with that too...you vant me inside you, eh? Eh?...Eh?" No.

We did it! The World Health Organization (WHO) has declared swine flu a pandemic. It's about time. It's been 41 years since the last flu epidemic and frankly, we've all been a little restless waiting around. The (WHO) what? is also declaring another pandemic...

Yep. You just won't go away.

Uh, who are you? "James Von Brunn." Uh, no...


This guy is.

"That was me. When I wasn't 88." Yeah, well, you don't look 88 now. You look dead. You should be dead. "I'm misunderstood." No, you're not. It's perfectly understandable that you're crazy and shot an innocent man on Wednesday. "I'm extremely racist and a white supremacist so this is kind of my thing." You're fucking old as shit. Give up. Who cares. You're going to be dead soon anyway. Go watch Jeopardy and eat soup. "I don't like soup. Jews like soup. And I hate Jews." Right, well... "And Trebek is Canadian." So. "White supremacist." Right. You do know I'm Jewish. "What?" Yeah, I'm a fucking Jew. "What about Mel Brooks? I really like that guy." Yeah, huge Jew. "Shit." Yeah. "Fuck, what about Nell Carter?" Uh, she's not Jewish but obviously black. And she's dead. "Nell Carter's black?" And dead. Yes. Are you blind? "Sometimes." Moving on.

What? You're not sure why you didn't fire her when you had the chance? Or why you chose to wear a tie that matches the color of your palms? You should get that checked out. Anyway, it doesn't matter, the gay hating bitch was let go of being Miss California on Wednesday because she's hard to work with. "She was always late to things," some person who apparently had to do a lot of waiting around for her stated while waiting around for us to take his statement. "And sometimes she just didn't show up to things. But I let it slide because she's hot. And she let me slide between her legs, so there's that reason." When attempting to contact Mr. Trump, we were told he was too busy asking Bret Michaels where he shops for wigs. HAY OH! Bret Michaels is poison to TV. Get it...TV? I mean poison. Fuck. Moving on.

"Hi, we're new here. Where's the can so you can flush your old iPhone down the toilet and play with us before we get outdated in a few weeks and a better model shows up." iPhone 3G S is coming out and it's going to have the one thing I really wanted. A longer battery life. And the ability to shoot video. Ok, two things. Oh, and faster speed. Three things. Actually, speed doesn't matter. 3G sucks dick anyway. So does AT&T. Unless you hate having service and the ability to not drop a very important call. Then you should love AT&T. Bars in more places. No. Lies in every places. Every AT&T commercial you see is a goddamn sham. But they have the iPhone and the iPhone is, no lie, fucking worth never having service. Because who needs to talk when you can just play with yourself?

Really? A George Michael joke? That was like twenty years ago.

"Is George Michael Jewish?" No, he's gay. "FUCK!"

I'm not done complaining about this new phone. Why didn't mine come with video? Or the original? Its a fucking Apple product. My goddamn StarTac from 1953 had video on it. Oh well, at least 3.0 update comes out in six days. Which means I can cut and paste my ass off while sending pictures of my bulimic dog to people through texts. Don't tell her I told you. She's sensitive about that shit.

It's time for the Obama Health Agenda World Tour. Is he coming to your hometown? Tour dates include: Any city without affordable health care, a GM dealership and South Dakota, because no one goes to South Dakota. "Everyone deserves a basic health care package without paying an arm and a leg. Or losing one," Obama stated and then laughed for thirty minutes over his own stupid joke before being asked to leave the state of Wisconsin. Uh, can we hurry this shit up before swine flu eats us all alive?

Look at these two. That guy, in obnoxious french accent: "Ehhhhhhhh, no pictures, please. We wear branded clothing and branded masks. Well, I do not because I am French, but my lady friend here is Mexican, so she wears the mask." (Obnoxious French laughter). "I need a baguette." So, his Mexican lady friend/housekeeper/polisher of fine objects can take her mask off...maybe. Novartis claims it has produced the first batch of swine flu vaccines. Here to tell us about it is a representative from Novartis.

Uh, who the fuck are you? "I am Swiss." Ok? "Novartis is Swiss." But you're one of those Ricola fucks. "Guten Tag!" Yes, good day to you too. "Do you vant me to blow into my horn?" No, I wanted to talk about the vaccine for Swine Flu. "I am very good at blowing into my horn." I'm sure you are. Can you tell us anything about the Swi... "You vant to hear me blow?" No, damnit, I want to discuss how Novartis has created a vaccine that might help us...wait, do you have to carry that thing around wherever you go? "Uh, yes. And it's very heavy. But I am very strong. And wear lederhosen, driving women wild." Yeah, but what do you normally wear? "Ah, this is what I normally wear." You wear that... "Everyday, yes." Huh, I thought it was just for... "No. everyday." (awkward silence) So, what do you think of the swine flu vaccine Novartis might have cooking in their lab? "I don't give a shit. I'm Swiss. We're neutral. Swine Flu doesn't affect us." Uh, I don't think strains of disease work that way. "Well, I do." And that's why you'll never amount to anything. "Do you vant to hear me blow now?" I think I already did. Moving on.

And now, it's time for another edition of "Aw, dude, that sucks." Some woman who avoided that airplane flight that disappeared a week ago died in a car crash a few days ago. Someone upstairs really wanted that woman dead.

We knew you were behind all this J.J. Abrams. "Yeah, the whole plane disappearance and woman dying in a car crash after escaping dying from a plane crash is just one big elaborate promo for the last season of Lost." Wow, so you faked a plane crash to gain excitement for next season's Lost? "Faked?"

It seems this guy is the real culprit behind the whole course correction woman dying one way when she was supposed to die another. "I overheard her telling someone how humans decide their own fate and that it was her decision not to board the plane. Well, I put an end to that, didn't I? Hey, would it be gay if I used that just for men shit in my beard? You know, to look a little younger?" Yes. So, you're saying humans don't decide their fate? "Fuck no. I got a guy I send down who does." Oh, right. I think he's joining us in a few minutes to talk about that. "Great. I don't really give a shit."

I'm going to use this picture again because it applies to the next story and it's just fucking funny. People in Miami are locking up their kittens. There's a cat serial killer on the loose. Wait? Am I reading this right? Some guy is running around Miami slicing cats? Oh, I am reading it right. Ok. Police say they have a suspect in mind. "We think it's a person who hates cats." Right.

"Were they Jewish cats?"

"THEY BOMB US NOW!" One South Korean screamed before getting trigger happy only to realize he was staring at a very large bird and not a missile launched by their North Korean friends. SK is holding their tiny dicks in their hands Friday, bracing themselves for a third NK nuclear test, even though the UN told them not to. "We don't listen to UN. They no fun. Oh, you can't spell fun without UN. That clever. That clever," one NK spokesman said before peeing his pants and rushing to the bathroom, still giggling like a child.

Elections are being held in Iran and everyone not in Iran and probably in Iran hopes to God this guy...

"Hee hee. Vote for me. That rhymes. I'm a rhyming machine. And a murderer." Exactly, they hope he doesn't get elected. Or they do. God only knows. Sorry, Allah. Whatever they believe in. Murder. They believe in murder.

Yeah, so, polling has been extended for two hours. This woman doesn't seem to mind. What are you reading there? "Yes I can by Sammy Davis Jr." Oh...o..k? Election officials say...

"I'm here! I'm here! So sorry I'm late." Late? Who the fuck are you and where did you come from, 1933? "Uh, what do you mean what am I doing here. I was told you wanted to interview me." I did? "Yes." Who are you? "Tim Reaper." Tim Reaper? "Tim Reaper. I'm in the fielding industry." Uh, I was told we would be speaking to a Mister Grim Reaper. "Nope, Tim Reaper. I'm in the fielding industry." Yes, you said that. I think there's been a mix up. "How so?" Well, I wanted to talk to Grim Reaper, relating to an earlier story about death and course correction and fate. "Oh, wow. Yeah, this is kind of embarassing." Oh, don't be embarassed. Simple mistake. "Yeah, this kind of happens a lot." Maybe you should change your name. "Yeah, I might. I might. Would probably make things easier on everyone." Ok, well, what are you going to change it to? "Jim. Jim Reaper."

We're done. That's all the news that's fit to suck.