Monday, June 29, 2009

Today's Attractions: June 30, 2009

This fuck. Just got 150 years in prison. For scamming tons of people out of billions of dollars. He's 71, so I doubt he'll serve all 150 years, but still, he's definitely not going to be scamming anyone anytime soo...hold on.

Fuck, I just lost $5. Anyway, this is said to be history's largest Ponzi scheme.

PONZI. Geez. Did you even lose any money from Madoff? "Aye!" Ok, well, some other people who already had way too much money to begin with did lose out. People like...

Yeah. Sorry, "I didn't even know the guy. And somehow I'm out millions." Yeah, well so are millions of people who pay way too much money to watch your stupid little animation films. Jeff and DreamWorks are in the middle of finishing up their latest project, although money has been tight around the studio. "Shrek the Last. And it's not really CGI. Kind of like a bunch of crayon drawings with some guy flipping the pages. And you can sort of see his hand. And Shrek isn't even voiced by Mike Meyers. Couldn't afford him. So, we just found this old Scottish drunk that hangs outside the studio to read the script. Well, not script, but kind of just ramblings written on soiled napkins. We're kind of fucked, actually."

This couple. Not so happy anymore. I don't know who the fuck they are, but that guy's name is Walter. Such an old person's name: Walter. I can't imagine calling a six year old Walter. Unless he had Benjamin Button syndrome. Then it makes sense. Anyway, I'm losing you. Walter's getting slammed for investing half of Fairfield Greenwich Group's $14.1 billion in assets. So far, he's lost $135 million in the past year. Walter wishes his body would Michael Jackson the fuck out.

Hello Fairfield County. You lost money to Madoff too? Guess that's really going to put a damper on tourist season. Let's see. Who else got raped by this man...


Oh Spitzer. You ole dog, you.

Leonard Feinstein lost some money. The Co-founder of Bed Bath & Beyond. The stores will remain intact, but the name is changing. It will now be referred to as just Bed.

Goddamnit, what do you want? "I'll be quick. I swear." You better. "I'm not here to complain about all the money I lost and how I'm not really working and don't know how I'm going to live..." Get on with it. "Bacon Brothers. Myspace. Uh, new songs. We're touring soon...if we can afford a van or instruments. Uh, come out and see us or just hop on the Space. Uh, uh...we've got some of the old. A lot of the new. Bacon Brothers. Check us out."

A new study reveals that 15% of teens think they'll die young. About 90% of them are right. The study goes on to say that...wait, is that one bitch pregnant? You, third from the left with the bloated gut? "Si." So, you're pregnant. "Si." How old are you? "Si." No, fuck, do any of you speak english or are you all over here illegally? "I speaka da english." Girl making the weird face at the very right. How old is the bitch next to you? "Uh, thirteen." No. "Si. Yes." Yeah, I know what si means. "She keep baby so other baby not alone during day." Wait, she has another kid? "Si." When did she have that one? "Uh, last year." And let me guess, she just leaves it with her mother. "Uh, her mom also go to school with us," Then where is her kid? "Uh, she leave it at Daycare." Oh, how does she afford that? "Uh, she can't. That why she pregnant again." Ok, I need to leave. You all are making me sick. Especially the girl on the left. Tell her her gut is trying to escape her body. To push that shit back in. Jesus. "Si?"

Oh old people. Researchers at the CDC, who should be stopping man eating viruses and doing other smart things most of us can't, say that over 47,000 old people end up in the emergency room each year from falling because of shitty walkers and canes. When asked why doctors don't spend more time teaching old fucks how to use these advanced devices properly, one doctor simply admitted, "Because...watching them fall is fucking funny."

Oh, gee, where's he going with this? I'm not. It would be way too easy to make jokes about the recent onslaught of celebrity deaths. And how God is building one fucked up army. So, instead of tickling your funny bone with obvious molestation references to Michael Jackson or talking about what a drunk Ed McMahon was or how Farrah Fawcett is now God's little anal angel or how clean Heaven will be from MJ's sins with Billy Mays up there, we're going to go over the list of people who are suprisingly still alive.

Abe Vigoda is a billion years old. And still alive.

Not only is this asshole still alive, but he doesn't look anywhere near dead.

Barely Kirk Douglas. Barely.

Really Mickey Rooney? Weren't you this old thirty years ago?

Inside. Dead inside Scott Weiland. And kind of looks like a really cool Conan O'Brien.

I swear I thought Courtney Love was dead. She's not.

I'm kidding. Kirk Cameron is safe with Jesus.

Technically, I think Gary Busey is dead.

Wait. Sorry to interrupt the feed of celebs who should be dead but aren't, but this just Oregon man has found his wallet...after 63 years. This is news? Ok. Well, anyway, the wallet was found at a Baker City, Ore., middle school gym when one of the workers was removing some of the bleachers. "Oh, it's so good to have it back," the old guy stated. "After so many years without. It still smells like leather. And feels like it did when I was fifteen. This is a blessed day." The Oregon man then attempted to walk away but got trampled by his own walker. And then some other guy ran up and stole his wallet.

Yep. Gonna be doing a lot of that for awhile. Watching others do what you love. That tall asian guy who plays basketball for the Houston Rockets hurt his foot, which could result in him missing the next season if not every season after that. "He suffered a hairline fracture in his left foot during a May 8th playoff game," his doctor stated while opening a medical dictionary to look up the term 'hairline frature'. "We hope this doesn't end his career or my bank account filling up, but if it does, we'll take good care of him, Kentucky Derby style." Yao states if he does have to leave the court for good, he'll find a job somewhere else. "Possibly at a Men's Big and Tall store. Or a carnival. Or I'll freelance myself out, reaching things off very tall shelves for people."

Steve Jobs is said to be starring in a new off-broadway show called "Mummies." No, he's back at work. Kind of. He comes in whenever he wants because he's Steve Jobs and basically saved mankind by introducing the Apple and iPhone and 3.0 even though 3.0 is a fucking joke. Like landscape mode. Hey, I don't want you on the screen anymore when I flip my phone back up. So why do you stay Landscape mode? And the phone seems to be slower and dumber and basically just a retarded version of its old self like it suffered a stroke or something and now I'm stuck taking care of it and I can't get rid of it because I'm under contract and AT&T has no bars in every places and it takes an hour to watch one goddamn text go through. Fuck, who am I kidding? I still love the shit out of that phone.

Magic Johnson? What are you doing here. "Uh, you should probably add me to the list of celebs who should be dead but arent." Yeah, you've had Aids for a long time now. "Actually, it's still just HIV." What? You've had HIV for like a thousand years. Are you sure you even really have it? "No." Hey, remember your show Magic Hour back in 1998? "Yeah." That died pretty quickly. "It was ahead of it's time." No, I don't think it was. "I've done a lot of great things. Like founded the Magic Johnson Foundation to help combat HIV." Wow, you founded something to basically help you out. "I did it for other people suffering from HIV." Ok, sure. So when are you going to start up the Magic Johnson Epilepsy Foundation. Or the Magic Johnson Night Terrors Institute? "Um, I'm also one of the 50 greatest basketball players in history. I have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame!" What about the Magic Johnson Do You Suffer From Having A Big Head Like Me And Barry Bonds Foundation? "I've won championship rings." And own a chain of movie theaters...because you're a basketball star. "I'm ambidextrous." I think you mean you're a renaissance man. "No, ambidextrous." You're able to use both hands equally well. "No." Ok then.

Yummy yum yum. Get in my mouth. What? You're filled with E. Coli. I think that's someone's porn name. Anyway, a batch of Nestle Cookie Dough was sampled at a Nestle USA Manufacturing Plant by the FDA. The batch tested postive for E. Coli. Just like Magic Hour above tested positive for HIV.

"I was in the Olympics. ON THE GODDAMN DREAM TEAM!" You cheated on your wife. Moving on.

Fuck, what are you doing back? "I'm offended." By what? "By your mummy comment." Really? That bothered you? "Yes." Ok, you are Steve Jobs. You basically own the world. And you're boo hooing over my mummy comment? "Yes, I've gone through a lot over the past few months. At first, dealing with the loss of my beard and then my weight and now I have to listen to some no name fuck make fun of me. I don't have to deal with that. I'm Steve Jobs. I invented Apple. I..." Didn't Bill Gates bale your ass out? "Well, Gates did help me turn Apple around, yes." Ok, look, I'm sorry about the comment. Will you just do me one favor? "What's that?" Will you wrap yourself up in this roll of toilet paper and walk around with your arms outstretched? Where are you going? Steve. Steve! Whatever.

I guess there's really nothing to say here since the Daily News has done a pretty decent job of summing up this remarkable situation. I am a little confused by his decision to grow that patch of hair under his lip. I don't think his mother or any woman for that matter would or could showcase such a patch as the one living under his lower lip. Maybe that's how he got caught. From the patch. Something that had been driving him crazy for months. Standing in front of the mirror before transforming himself into his dead mother, Thomas Prusik-Parker would dare himself to grow that patch. Would it look good? Could I pull it off? He'd wonder. And then finally, he did it. He grew that goddamn patch. The patch that would ultimately become his imminent downfall.

"God, what a headache." Are you sure it's not from all the stress involving your affair, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford? "How do you know my name?" Uh, you're a Governor of a state. And in the news. For fucking someone that isn't your wife. "Yeah, it's a problem. But it's my problem." No, actually, it's kind of other people's problems. Like your family's. You basically went missing. During Father's Day weekend. Who does that? "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I just couldn't stick around and endure another round of sock and tie giving. I mean, really, look in my closet, kids. Have you seen the row of ties I have? And I have enough goddamn socks to use as a rope and climb down the fucking Empire State Building. I didn't think this would be a big deal." A big deal? You told people you were going hiking along the Appalachian Mountain Trail and ended up in Argentina. No one knew where you were! "I'm the fucking governor of South Carolina, ok? Not the goddamn president of the United States. Besides, I was meeting up with her to break it off." How'd that go? "Uh, she boiled a rabbit and took my kid to an amusement park for ice cream, which was kind of weird." I don't think that happened to you. "You're probably right. I'm the Governor of a no-nothing state. I make shit up."

Yes, please. Some whore in Oklahoma received a $30 case of Frito Lays as payment from some guy who works for the company. "I didn't have any money. And she looked hungry," the asshole stated while loading fifteen more cases into his Yugo. The prostitute pleaded no contest while eating a bag of Frito Lay chips.

Hey Ernest Borgnine. What's up? "Uh, you can add me to the list of Celebs that should be dead but arent, my little friend."

"Uh, add me too." Fuck you Ted Kennedy. Anyone else before I call it a day?

Why are you here? "I'm Ashton Kutcher. I must be everywhere, all over, never forgotten, always..." Fuck you. That's all the news that's fit to suck.

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