Monday, June 15, 2009

Today's Attractions: June 16, 2009

Fixy fixy. Someone might have a little fraudulent activity when it came to their little election on Friday. And Mir Hossein Mousavi, am I saying that right? Mir? What the fuck is Mir. Mr.? Maybe. I don't give a shit. That guy's not too pleased with the results. And neither are a ton of people in Iran who are littering the streets with not happiness over the election results. "I throw lit pieces of paper jammed in bottles at cars while throwing my angry fists in random people's faces. You know, to show my support," one random guy said before throwing one of those bottles in our direction and then emitting an ear piercing chant. The world is shocked that something like this could happen...


This just in...starfish are invading New England. "We're not invading. Jesus, you act like we're infiltrating the town, trying to take it over or what not. We're starfish. We bring smiles to children's faces." Yeah, but you're feasting on all the shellfish. "We do enjoy the shellfish." Well, it's causing a lot of problems for the fishing economy. "Sorry, but it's really the only thing we eat, so..." Ok, well, why don't you find some other place to invade? "Again, we're not invading. We're not at war with anyone over land or anything. We are starfish. Ok? We're just simple star-shaped creatures that most people don't even consider to be alive." Can I throw you? "No you cannot throw me." This is stupid.

This just in...fingerpainting hits Iran hardcore. What? That's not paint? It's blood? Holy shit, why is that guy who is wearing a green mask and kind of looks like me holding up a bloody hand? Protest? Over what, fingerpainting? Ok, enough with the fingerpainting. Some leadership guys in Iran are going to conduct a partial recount since people won't stop killing each other. "We're only going to recount half the votes," some Iranian leadership guy stated after giving up on the rest of the ballots. "I'm just...I'm just too tired to go through all these." Ahmadinejad stated that if the recount shows he is in fact not the winner, he will ultimately blame the Jews on all this.

"I'm sorry I made you cry yourself to sleep at night over my stupid joke even though it's my job to make fun of people like you."

"I accept your apology but still think you should be banned from television for awhile."

"That's cool. I think you should be banned from politics forever."

"What about me Davey?"

"Yeah, you should probably be banned from life." Well, glad that's all cleared up. In other news..."Wait, I'm sorry, but who names their daughter Willow? I mean, if it isn't bad enough that one of your daughters was knocked up out of wedlock by a guy named after a jeans manufacturing company and you are the embodiment of stupid, but you had the audacity to name your daughter after a shitty movie made in 1988. Unbelievable. Unfucking..."

WARWICK DAVIS!!! "Uh, yeah, I'd like an apology. Willow was not a shitty movie. It was nominated for two Oscars and directed by Ron Howard and produced by George Lucas." Plus, Val Kilmer was in it. "Yeah, let's steer clear of Kilmer altogether."

Obomb is flattered but just not that into it. His entire administration isn't really into gays getting married. And in fact, defended the Defense of Marriage Act, even though he promised to protect gay rights. "Yeah, kind of have a lot more on my mind right now, like war and health care and some pandemic flu that's circuling the globe," Obama stated while quickly closing out of a gay man chat room. "But to be honest, I just don't think same sex marriage should be recognized. You know, even though I'm half black and for awhile, no one thought black people should be recognized as human. And you would think if anyone understood the rights of the people it would be someone like me. But, no, I'll bash a queer if I see one." Thinking he was alone, Obama then proceeded to pull out a life sized cardboard cutout of Richard Simmons and began making out with it switfly.

Speaking of blowing smoke up people's asses, this guy is blatantly blowing pot smoke in people's faces. America wants to see marijuana legalized. For more on this development...

Alan Alda? "No dickhead, I'm Carl Sagan, famed American astronomer." Aren't you dead? "Yes, I'm dead as shit, but you're stoned right now, so all bets are off." Right, so what do you have to do with legalizing marijuana; you're an astronmer. "Yeah, and I was a huge pothead. I spent the better part of my life blitzed out of my goard."Huh, wow, I didn't know that. "Well, now you do. Listen, this is a no brainer. You legalize pot and you weaken the Mexican cartels who are profiting from U.S. pot sales. You'll save billions in law enforcement costs while generating billions in tax revenue. And, you'll get to see some freaky shit." Wow, ok, well, you did so some pretty amazing things like, I'm sorry, what exactly did you accomplish? "My contributions were central to the discovery of the high surface temperatures of the planet Venus." O...k? Don't really see how that's relevant to anything. "I also did a lot of research on aliens." Ok, maybe you aren't the best person to talk to about this. "Whatever dude, I'm outtie 5,000. Gonna go get rift with Jerry Garcia and Estelle Getty." Estelle Getty smokes pot? "She does now."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, B.D.Wong." "My name is Lee Myung-Bak. I'm the goddamn president of South Korea you intolerant asshole." President Obomb and Mista Lee met on Tuesday to announce that North Korea is a "grave threat" to the world. Awesome, so Obama made this guy fly halfway round the world to announce something we already knew. They also stated that they would aggresively penalize NK if it keeps testing its nuclear weapons.

"You penalize all you want. We have nukes. We bomb shit out of everyone. Good luck USA and Jackie Chan.

"It's Lee Myung-Bak."

"You play Blossom on NBC's 90's hit of same name?"

"That's Mayim Bialik."

"Whoa. Get it? Whoa? I talk like Joey Lawrence character. Anyway, I bomb shit out of everyone if I don't get new pair of pants NOW."

Move over Miami...really, you just wrote that? Ok, anyway, New York drivers are now the angriest in the country. Source say...

Oh shit..."Hey." What the fuck happened to you Val Kilmer? "Life." So, I guess you're here to bitch. "You know, I've been in a lot of really good movies. Like Tombstone. And that movie where I play Jim Morrison." You mean The Doors? "I've been in a lot of shit. I'm tired of people making fun of my art." I think they're making fun of your face. "Yeah, it's a problem. But it's my problem." So was being the voice of Kit in that abortion of a remake..."Don't...say it. I've done things I'm not proud of. And that show is one of many." What are some others? "Uh, Batman. Most notably Batman. And letting Tom Cruise talk me into extending that shower scene from Top Gun." Oh no...don't say his...

"WHEW! Tom Cruise! Hey, what do you call the most talented muther fuckin actor of the 21st goddamn century?" (Long sigh) I really don't have time for th... "You call him Tom fucking Cruise! WHEW! Tom Cruise!" And on that note, that's all the news that's fit to suck. See you tomorrow but probably not since I'll be nerding out to my new iPhone 3.0 upgrade.

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