Friday, July 10, 2009

Today's Attractions: July 10, 2009

"Ah, geez kid, can you give me a minute?" That soldier better enjoy his smoke. The Pentagon is trying to ban smoking in the military. Something about how it's not good for them and stuff. "Look, they're away from their families and everything else they love. We just want to make sure we make it absolutely clear how miserable we want them to be," one Pentagon spokesperson stated after taking a drag of her cigarette. "God, these really take the edge off."

Aw, that tickles. So, after almost fifteen death-free years, one of the bulls in Pamplona had had enough. "I gored the shit out of this guy. In the fucking neck, too. You should have seen his goddamn face. Oh, no! Oh no! (hardy laughter) Man, I wish I could reeanct it. I'm not doing it justice. But it was was pretty god awful. Necessary...but god awful."

Speaking of god awful..."He dead, mutha fucker," Joe Jackson joked about his son. "No, but seriously, I think there was foul play in Michael's death. And not like the foul play he used to inflict on little crotches." Jackson is also stating how he and his estranged wife, Katherine Jackson are ready to raise Michael's kids. "I can see a lot of Michael in them. They've got talent, that's for sure. And believe me, I will beat the shit out of them every night if it means exposing that talent and making me more MONEYYYYYYYY! I miss my son."

FOR SALE: One plot in Burr Oak Cemetary, Chicago, IL. Mint condition. Barely used. Great fixer-upper. Last resident was dead, so not a lot of wear and tear. Perfect for one large adult or two small children. Great location. Spectacular view. Quiet neighborhood. For more information, please contact former cemetery manager Carolyn Towns.

Obama Meets Pope, Pope Occupied by Demon. No, actually, they met for lunch Friday and discussed their views on helping the poor, abortion, stem cell research and which New Jersey housewife they hate the most. While other reporters were unable to actually hear what was said, somehow, for some reason, they let me in the room to record their conversation. Here is a bit of it:

"So, thanks for meeting with me...and stuff."

"Yes, my child."

"Ok, so, this is quite the honor."


"I think, together, we can help put an end to world hunger."

"World hunger...yesssss. Come...sit closer, my son."

"...And I know that you and I don't see eye to eye on abortion and stem cell research, but we can still talk openly about our views..."

"We must protect the republic."

"Excuse me?"

"The republic. Together, we must protect it. You are the new hope, young one. There is great distrubance in the force. We must act quickly and destroy those who oppose our actions while ushering in the totalitarian Galactic Empire.

"Uh, what the fuck are you talking about? What empire?

"You have it in you, my son. The dark side is in you. Well, so is the light side, but the dark side...the evil side is trying to come out. But you are repressing your natural urges."

"You've fucking lost it, Pope. You know that, right?"

"Do not fear me, my child. Soon we will...(giggling) I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can't keep it up anymore. I'm surprised I lasted that long. I had you going for awhile.

"Yeah, for a minute I thought you had been possessed or something."

"No, you know who I was being, don't you?"

" that I think about it, it does seem kind of familiar. Don't tell me."


"Shit...I know it. Why can't I fucking think of it? Shit...don't tell me."

(Giggling uncontrollably) "Come on. Oh, I want to tell you so bad."

"Don't seriously. I'll get it."

"Come on...the force. Galactic know this, Brackie."

"I know. I know. Fuck! This is going to drive me nuts.

"Can I tell you?"


"Let me tell you. Please. Please. Please."

"Oh, God. Fine. Fine. Who were you imitating?"



"Hahahaha, you are so mad at yourself right now, arent you?"

"FUCK! Goddamnit. How could I not guess fucking Star Wars?"

"I don't know. It's only the most popular movie ever made."

"Man, this is going to bother me the whole day."

"Well, let's not let it ruin our lunch together. I'm glad you're here. It's a beautiful day. Let's move past this little game."

"Alright. You're right. You're right. Goddamnit. It was was so obvious. (Long drawnout sigh followed by a moment of silence) But should really reconsider your views on abortion."

Deputy Dipshit is going to live in a plexiglass box above the Madison Square Garden marquee for two days in order to raise money for hungry people. "It's no Eight-Legged Freaks, but it's work. Kind of. Not really. It gets me in the news...somehow...I'm married to Courtney Cox." 

"We could do what he's doing for world hunger."

"Please sir, can I have another..."

"Oliver Twist."


This bitch is denying a resolution to honor Michael Jackson because she's racist. Kidding, it's because he was involved in tickle fights with little kids. "And I just didn't get Thriller," Pelosi admits. "I mean, what was that? Was it a movie? A mini-movie musical? And why did he have a monkey? I don't get it." The resolution was backed by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee, D-Texas. "He's fucking awesome and his music is awesome and he did awesome humanitarian work and my name is Jackson too so that is double awesome." Pelosi does state that she...

Oh shit. What are you doing back? "WHEW! TOM CRUISE IS NEVER GONE!!! WHEW!" Ok. well, I think... "Hey, what do you call the closest thing I can get to openly being gay without being gay?" (Sigh) What? "You call it David FUCKING Beckham! WHEW!!! TOM CRUISE. DAVID BECKHAM. CRUISEHAM. That's our celebrity name. TOM DAVID CRUISEHAM! WHEW!!!" What?...

"Whew, you call me David Fucking Beckham. Whew."

"No, it's WHEW! Try it.


"No, WHEW! Scream it. TOM CRUISE! WHEW!


"Better Becksies. But say your name after whew."


"YEAH!!! WHEW!!! CRUISHAM has ALL THE RIGHT MOVES!!! WHEW!!! Hey, what do you call a male cat? HUH! HUH! HUH!" What? "You call it a tomcat. TOM CRUISE, TOM CAT! WHEW!!! I AM ALL ABOUT THE NINE LIVES! Your turn Beckies my bestie." 

"Ok, what do you call the guy who tends to the net in soccer? You call him the goalie. WHEW! DAVID BECKHAM!"

"Uh, Beckies my bestie...that's not how you do it. You gotta associate something in your name with something else. But scream it. And then say WHEW followed by your name. Like, (clears throat) What do you call a very boyish girl? You call her a TOMBOY! WHEW!! TOM CRUISE TOMBOY'S MAKE ME HARD!!! See Becks?"

"Ok. Ok. I think I got it. (clears throat but in a hot way) What do you call the symbol of Judaism?" Here we go. "You call it fuckin' star of DAVID BECKHAM!!! WHEW!!! DAVID BECKHAM WORLD-FAMOUS SOCCER STAR!!! WHEW!!! Like that Tommy gun?"

"Whoa. Whoa! WHOAAAAA!!! TOMMY GUN!!! I love it Becks. This is why we're besties. This is why I love Dick...WHEW!!!" Whew. I've had enough. That's all the news that's fit to suck. 

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