Today's Attractions: August 18, 2009

Medical examiners finally got around to opening up Michael Jackson on Monday.

"That ain't right." TITO JACKSON! "That's right, it me...Tito Jackson. How you boys and girls doin today?" It's actually just me, Tito. "That's alright. That's alright. I want to give a shout out to all those hatin on my dead brotha..." Ok, what are you shouting out? "Nothing, I thought that's how it went." Well, yeah, but usually people give a shout out to people they like or know. You're giving a shout out to people who hate your brother. "Exactly." So, you like people who hate your brother? "HELL NAH!" Ok, you're not understanding the reason for the shout out. "Hey, I wanna give a shout out to myself. I'm droppin a new album next week. Tito Jackson sings Michael Jackson's Greatest Hits. Pick it up and give it a listen. It'll move you." I highly doubt that. "Hey, I wanna give a shout out." To who? "...ta everybody."

(In 1930's voice) And now for some news on the unemployment front. Things are not lookin' good. No, they're not lookin' good at all. The nation is in turmoil, I say, turmoil, and President Roosevelt is doin' nothin' about it. Not nada, not zilch. Because he's dead. Luckily, President Obama has some tactics up his sleeve. That's right, the president is gettin down and dirty when it comes to lifting the down and out outta the dirt and strikin' health care loss right in the kissa. Though, in an effort to makin' health insurance affordable, more and more are continuing with their former employer's coverage through COBRA.

"I think people have the wrong idea. I'm not the COBRA they are looking for. I wish they would stop flocking to me. It's really getting quite irritating." Kind of like them making a movie about a bunch of toys from the 1980's? "We had a very successful cartoon series." Yeah, back in the 80's. "Look, I'm not Hollywood. I don't know why they do the things they do." Do you get royalties from this movie? "What are royalties...like do I get my own King? That's kind of ridiculous." Yeah, so is this segment. Moving on.

Between an absolutely wretched performance in Transformers 2 and another round of funding for 'Cash for Clunkers', Optimus Prime has decided to turn himself in to his local GMC dealership. "I get pretty shitty mileage. And I'm old as fuck. Like I don't even know how I'm still able to run or even transform." OP isn't the only celebrity to turn himself in to the program...

and...

and naturally...

The entire cast of Just the 10 of Us.

Uh, hello? What are you doing back. "What were you going to say about me?" Ok, why are you speaking in a British accent? "I speak in whatever accent I've just been exposed to." So, you came from Great Britain? "Well, they did just release like 15 years of UFO documents, even though they're all bullshit, but no, I just came from North Dakota." Ok, so, again, why are you speaking with a British accent? "I just saw the new Harry Potter movie." Wait, why are these documents...? "Awful." I'm sorry? "It was awful." The documents? "No, the new Harry Potter movie. It didn't make any sense. He's flying around, hexing this and chanting that. It was just a little preposterous if you ask me." Uh, ok, I'm sorry, but you have the nerve to call something you saw preposterous? "Yes." You're an alien. "Yes." You're pretty preposterous to a lot of people. "Not to the British." Those documents aren't even real. "Wanna go see The Time Traveler's Wife with me?" Sure. "Cool." Oh, I see your voice has changed to mimic that movie. You sound like a faggot now. "Oh, no, it's changed because I've been around you." HAY OH! What's next, Govna?

Oh, hello Brett Favre. Finally retiring? "What do you think?" No. "Yep, I'm playing for the Minnesota Vikings now." So, you're never going to retire? "No, I will...eventually. My goal now is to play at least one year with every team in existence." Then you'll retire. "Yes...no."

Seems cell phones are causing problems for 911 operators. Using your cell phone when you have a life ending boo boo could lead to misrouted calls, delayed information about the location of the caller and, most important, a slower emergency response. Here is a sample 911 call from a cell phone user...probably an AT&T iPhone user.

Caller: Hey
911 Operator: What's up?
Caller: Get to me.
911 Operator: What's the problem?
Caller: Sick. Dying. Need an ambulance, pronto.
911 Operator: What about tonto?
Caller: PRONTO!
911 Operator: Sir, I can barely hear you.
Caller: I'm a woman.
911 Operator: Where are you calling from?
Caller: The floor.
911 Operator: No, what is your address?
Caller: I don't know.
911 Operator: I'm sorry, I didn't hear you right. Sounded like you said you don't know.
Caller: No, you heard me right.
911 Operator: Ok, I can't send an ambulance to an unknown address.
Caller: Don't you have a GPS system that can track this call?
911 Operator: No. Not on a cell phone. Is there a land line near you?
Caller: No. Yes.
911 Operator: Can you use that instead?
Caller: I'd rather not.
911 Operator: Ma'am, I can't get to you if you don't use the land line or give me an address.
Caller: I don't know where I am. I'm scared.
911 Operator: Ma'am, please, can you get to the land line?
Caller: I swore off land lines six years ago.
911 Operator: It could save your life.
Caller: No, I'd rather die than use a land line. I don't watch basic cable, I don't write letters and I don't use land lines.
911 Operator: What city are you in?
Caller: New Jersey.
911 Operator: That's a state.
Caller: What?
911 Operator: NEW JERSEY IS A STATE!
Caller: WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING?
911 Operator: What city are you in?
Caller: I think I'm dead.
911 Operator: Ma'am, you're not dead.
Caller: How do you know?
911 Operator: Ma'am, what city are you in?
Caller: Wait, I see an envelope.
(Rustling of paper)
Caller: Uh, I'm in...Wilmington?
911 Operator: Wilmington, New Jersey?
Caller: No, Wilmington, Delaware.
911 Operator: Ma'am, can you give me the address on the envelope?
Caller: What the fuck am I doing in...OH, RIGHT!
911 Operator: Ma'am...
Caller: I remember now. I was kidnapped.
911 Operator: Jesus Christ. Ma'am, give me the goddamn address on the envelope and we can get you out of there.
Caller: Wait, I think the kidnapper is returning. I can ask him how to get here.
911 Operator: No, ma'am, read me the address on the envelope.
Voice: Who the fuck are you talking to?
Caller: No one.
Voice: YOU CALL THE COPS?
Caller: No. Yes...wait.
(Gunshots)
911 Operator: Ma'am? (Pause) Ma'am?
(rustling of phone)
Man's voice: Hello?
911 Operator: Uh, hello?
Man's voice: Yeah, uh, there's been an accident. I need an ambulance.
911 Operator: Sir, tell me your address and I'll send...
Man's voice: I can't live with what I've done. Send the ambulance to the address on your screen.
911 Operator: Sir, you're on a cell phone. Can you please use your land...
(Gun shot. Another gun shot. pause. One more gun shot)
911 Operator: Sir? Sir?

The moral of the story...cell phones commit murder. And that's all the news that's fit to suck.