Friday, September 18, 2009

Today's Attractions: September 18th 2009

Is it Fourth of July already? Obama has finally decided to blow up Bush's missile-defense system and make it more defensey. "Let's be honest, anything Bush wanted was probably fucking stupid," Obama stated after saving several small children, with his bare hands, from the top floor of a burning thirty-story high-rise. "Plus, my plan will actually protect us and might make the Russians hate us a little less, so...simmer on that one awhile. Excuse me, I have to go stop a meteorite from colliding with earth." And then he flew away.

"Murderous Tooth Kills Poor Unsuspecting Local Grinning Idiot." No, that never happened. But a woman, after being blind for like 9 years or some shit like that, regained her eye sight thanks to her tooth. "Ok, get this shit," one of the doctors in Miami stated while brushing the patients eye, "So, I'm in my office eating Lucky Charms cause I fucking love Lucky Charms, when this bitch comes in screaming, 'I can't see. I can't see!' scaring the shit outta me, causing me to chip a tooth from biting down on my spoon so hard. And as she's running around the room in a panic, banging into shit and knocking over my fake degrees, I pick my tooth up to throw it away when the idea hits me, what if I used a tooth to correct her vision. And I did." This is actually a true story. Well a woman did regain her eye site thanks to her tooth, but the office scenario is complete and utter bullshit.

YAY it's Swine Flu time again. Grab your favorite mask and hit the streets knowing that you're not only safe but you look cool, too. You're going to need those masks since the World Health Organization (WHO) decided not to produce enough vaccine for everyone. "Woops. Sorry, guess I overslept," one WHO spokesman stated while listening to the WHO. "In theory, once I get off my ass and get to work, all the world's 6.3 billion people should receive at least one dose of vaccine against the pandemic strain of H1N1. Of course, in theory, this never should have gotten as out of hand as it has, so I wouldn't really trust what I have to say. Goddamn this band is good."

"Dear God, please forgive me for the ass I'm about to ravage." Some horny Catholic charity in Britain is urging couples to pray before having sex. "Whoa, whoa whoa, we didn't say anything about guy on guy action," one British guy said. "This is recognizing that God is at the heart of the marriage relationship between husband and wife. God doesn't recognize same sex, just like he doesn't recognize the Jews as being human or us as having proper dental care." The British guy also stated that he and his wife do a lot of praying when she misses her period.

Oh, right on cue. Scientists claim that birth control will control our climate by... "No, that's not what I do." Well... "Get your facts straight." That's what I read. "Get your facts straight. That's not at all what I do. Do you have any idea what you're doing?" Um, well... "I mean, really, all you have to do is read news headlines and share them on your site in a non plagiaristic way. It's not rocket science." Ok, sorry. I'm sorry, I fucked up one time. "People are depending on you to be accurate." No, they're not. No one even reads this thing. I don't even know why I do it to be honest. (uncomfortable pause) You wanna tell everyone what I meant to say? "I guess. Basically, we found that handing me out to developing countries could help fight climate change by slowing population growth." Ok, yeah, that makes more sense. "Are you being an asshole?" No. Yes.

A sixteen-year-old cheerleader, in South Carolina, killed a 10-foot-long alligator...with her bare hands. "I was out huntin' with muh daddy when...

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but you're doing it again." What? "She didn't kill the alligator with her bare hands. She used a crossbow." Whatever. "No, not whatever, that's significantly different." She was going along with it.

"Yeah, that's true, I was just gonna keep muh mouth shut bout the crossbow thing and act like I used muh hands. Sounds a lot cooler and such."

"Ok, look you two, you can't fake the news. You can't just make shit up. People are depending on reading accurate sources of information."

"I mean, technically muh bare hands were wrapped round that crossbow so it ain't all fictitious. Is that a word? Fictitious?"

"Are you not retarded? I don't even see how this is news anyway. A 16-year-old hunting and killing alligators? That's like child abuse. That should be the story. Negligent parents allow 16-year-old to endanger life."

"Don't be doin that. Don't be condoming my parents."


"You heard me."

"Did you say condoming?"

"I sure did. Don't be condoming my parents."

"Condemning. I think you meant condemning."

"That's what I said...condoming. Look I don't need to be corrected by some stupid contraption that muh daddy says don't even work right. So why don't you just shut the fuck up and git on outta here for I strangle you with muh bare hands." Well, that was stupid.

And now it's time play "Is My State Fucked?" The results for the worst hit unemployed states in the nation are out. In third place and winner of a free stick of butter, with 32,000 jobs cut...Georgia. Speaking on behalf of the unemployed in Georgia is...Glenda Sue Evans.

"WHEW!!! GO GEORGIA! YEAH!!! We's don't care bout workin or nuthin. We found other ways to occupy ours time. Like wrastlin' in the mud. We's actually come together more as a family ever since this whole layoff thingy anyway. In fact, we's don't see a reason to ever go back to work. We can just shoot our own food and live in the woods, just like our ansisters did. Hey, who wants to grab muh boobies fer luck?"

Ok, thanks Glenda. Now, in second place and winner of the scraps of metal from the Cash for Clunkers program, with 42,900 jobs cut...Michigan. Representing Michigan is non other than famed documentary filmmaker...Michael Moore.

"Hello, I'm Michael Moore. And a proud resident of the state of Michigan. I'm not really here to gloat about the nation's unemployment rate but would instead rather promote my new film "Capitalism: A Love Story." It's basically two hours of me, Michael Moore, waltzing around America, sticking a microphone in people's faces, all so I can scare the American people with information they can't do anything about. Just like I did in "Sicko." Now, I'm not certain about the fate of this country, once a stream of endless opportunity but now just a corporate wasteland, feasted on by those who can afford to eat. But there is one thing I am certain about...this film will once again keep my bank account full of yummy yummy money."

Huh. Well, thanks...Michael. And now, the moment we've all been waiting for. The winner of the grand prize of food stamps and medium-sized moving boxes, with 62,200 jobs cut is...TEXAS!!! And now, speaking on behalf of the unemployed in Texas...Alamo Jones.

"I'm named after sumthin famous. So, um, yep, I am honored. Hon...ored. Um, I was kind of already out of work before this whole disaster hit, sos, can't say all this has really changed my life. But, uh, these boxes will come in handy. I mean, if you put two or three of them together, you've got yourself a sleeping hut. Uh, we wanna thank Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae, George W. STILL THE BEST GODDAMN PRESIDENT THIS COUNTRY EVER SEEN! Uh, I'd personally like to thank muh mom for never believing in me and fer never actually being there to believe in me. And Jesus. THANK YOU and GOD BLESS!

Oh God. Do I really have to talk about this? Fine. Uh, tomorrow is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. So, talking like a pirate. And getting drunk. And dressing your dog up like an asshole.

Oh, that's right. A real holiday is coming up. The time for Jews everywhere to thank God they've survived another year. (click on image to view) And on this note, that's all the news that's fit to suck. Happy whatever the hell you want to celebrate day.

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