Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Today's Attractions: August 13, 2009

Hey, where are you going? Nowhere. Hurricanes in the Atlantic are dropping in to say hello more frequent than at any other point in the last 1,000 years. "I ain't too big a dealin on it," one barely dressed human being admitted while laying on top of his Datsun that floated down the street. "I finally got that boat I always wanted. Beer?"

Speaking of rednecks, this glasses-wearing fuck from Georgia, the state, could face up to 60 years in prison for videotaping US landmarks and then sending the videos overseas to aid terrorist groups. Insaneul...Ensaneul...Ehsanul, EHSANUL, fuck, that's it...Ehsanul Islam Sadequee...huh, his middle name is Islam. Ok? That's not obvious. Anyway, the jackass says he's not a terrorist even though his best friend was convicted of helping terrorists and that he's obviously in cahoots with them because he's dark-skinned, so those two go hand in hand. And he has a t-shirt that says Big Terrorist but claims it's the Muslim version of those Big Johnson T-shirts from the 90's. One government official, when asked about this situation, pulled up his pants and laughed, "Why the fuck would he risk his freedom videotaping landmarks? What a fucking idiot. That's what the goddamn internet's for."

The redneck roll call continues. "Yup, I glued some guy's dick to his stomach in a hotel room. Guilty. As. Charged." That fine piece of ass above, along with three other women, sought revenge on a man they were all apparently in a fierce love triangle with. The man was not offended by what happened to him and in fact claimed it to be "funny as shit."

Oh, what idiotic things are you saying now Mr. Vice President of the country I live and breathe in? What? You said the Russians are "Big Bullies?" And now their Foreign Minister's feelings are hurt? You dumbdick. "Look, he said some things. Then I said some things. Things were said. And now, feelings are down." Biden apparently lost his faith in the Russians after finally sitting down to watch Rocky IV.

What's Biden's little buddy doing? Is he about to stab that Indian? Or did that Indian just blast a holy spirit out of his ass and O'Bomb is trying to avoid its spiritual stench. "I've been ho ho holding that in for almost thirty years. Was the ghost of my brother, Chief Running Joke." O'Bomb has no hard feelings for the situation. "I've pretty much been blasting hot air out of my ass for the past eight months. Ok, but all jokes aside, 'O'Bomb is really presenting the Medal of Freedom to Joe Medicine Crow-High Bird for having the longest, most ridiculous name in all the Indian Land. Then O'Bomb showed Crow-High Bird his collection of Andrew Jackson figurines.

After standing silent for almost eight grueling minutes from making a joke about what the difference between a Priest and Michael Jackson was, the Pope finally spoke again, this time with words so full of wisdom, the sky started raining shit. When referring to the Nazi concentration camps, the Pope called them "extreme symbols of evil" and "hell on earth." Huh. Thanks for clearing that up. We were all under the impression they were just really run down day spas. The Pope then received negative feedback from the audience about his hat, with one man claiming it was actually an "extreme symbol of evil, hell on earth and plain ole bad fashion."

Good news fatasses, eating chocolate two to three times a week is good for heart attack survivors, cutting down on heart disease.

"What? I had a heart attack." No you didn't. "I could." Probably.

To keep the streak of "Let's start producing a bunch of washed out 80's cartoon live-action movies," Hollywood is in the works to create next Summer's blockbuster revival...

The role of John Candy will be played by...

And that's enough of making fun of her.

"Hey, remember when I promised to use the power of government to openly conduct big Pharma talks and cut the cost of drugs to Medicare? You do? Oh, well, I obviously don't." Actually, O'bomb's administration has been psspsspss'ing to the drug people behind our backs and are now against using the government's leverage to bargain for lower drug prices. And they don't want cheaper drugs coming in from the Canucks. Oh, and they also agreed that pursuing Medicare rebates would be a really not necessary idea. So, yeah...sorry Grandmas.

Yikes! Moving on.

Crap. What? "Enough." Exactly. Now just apply that knowledge. "Look, I know I'm fat. I don't need to be the butt of everyone's jokes." I think you do. "Really?" Well, maybe you should feed off the negativity instead of that turkey leg you have in your hand. "I didn't have breakfast...for a second time today, so..." You don't have to like, rip it to shreds like a wild animal. You have bits all over your face. "They're for later." You're licking some of them off now. Gross, do you have to slurp up the skin like that? Oh no, you're about to cry. You're about to start using that really annoying Kirstie Alley voice you used to use on Cheers all the time. "I miss how I used to look." We all miss how you used to look. Remember you in Look Who's Talking? You were pretty hot in that. Now look at you. And John Travolta. Both of you could star in the movie version of Roseanne. Christ, look who can't stop eating that turkey leg. "This is a different turkey leg." We're done here.

Awww. This cat was murdered two seconds after this photo was taken. No, I'm kidding. It's fine. Maybe. I don't fucking know. But here's what I do know...scientists have discovered a gene that lets people not be cranky pants after just six hours of sleep.

Damnit Gene Shallot, get the hell out of here. "It's Shalit!" Whatever. "Don't see Funny People!" Huh? "Funny People. It just keeps not ending for 2.5 unendurable hours." No, no, I kind of agree with you. I remember thinking... "(horrid coughing almost like throwing up)" Oh shit, are you ok? Gene. GENE! "Yes, yes, this happens from time to time." What, you choking out of nowhere? "Hairs from my mustache get caught in my throat like mini facial hairballs." How often has this happened? "Oh about four times." That's not bad. "A day. About four times a day." Why don't you just shave the fucking thing already and be done with it? "I can't." Why? "I was born with it. Doctors say it's the only thing keeping the bottom half of my face attached to the top half." That makes no sense. "...SEE YOU AT THE MOVIES!!!" Ok, where...what was I even talking about before that unnecessary outburst that wasn't even funny...

Right. Dead kittens. No...

Passing out?


Ha, that was a fun night.

No, we already did that. Fuck it. That's all the news that's fit to suck.

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