Today's Attractions: April 9, 2009

Look at him. So excited about the recession. "Yay recession!" Why? Why would he give two shits about our crumbling economy? Well, here's why. A bad economy helps cut down on CO2 emissions. Yes. This is true. Those big scary conglomerates have been forced to cut back their evil doings. Which means less pollution. Which means less poison. Which means this little guy can run his little heart out. Until the economy gets back on track and then, well, he'll have to get in one of these
Hello 1950's. Hello

Dumbass. Jesus Christ. This guy. This numskull. Ask him to spell potato. Let's have a flashback to the early 90's. The asshole went to North Carolina. To hand out a bronze star. Look at him. Trying to figure out how he got his sleeve caught. And how to get it out without looking like he got his sleeve caught. Just like he's always getting his mouth caught in situations it shouldn't be yapping about. Like telling soldiers how Americans are pretty much ignorant of the troops pain and suffering and nights laying up at night thinking of death and how they miss their limbs. Thanks O'Biden. Thanks for making us look like selfish fucks. Which we are. Because we care more about shit like this
little sweatheart. Look at her. So adorable. This is what we're fighting for. Little miss suicidal. Her girlfriend, because she's apparently bi or gay or really just a robot that's bound to malfunction at any moment now, broke up with her after 2 years. Boo hoo. "Everyone's turning on me." WAAAAAA!! People are losing their jobs. Families are starving. People are dying. You were dealt a pretty hand. Stop being such a fuck up and start

You again? Yeah, look at this guy, Lohan. At least you're not him.

Or the captain of this ship. Because he's having some real problems right now. Being held captive by pirates. Why are we still dealing with pirates? It's 2009. Didn't they die out with scurvy and talking parrots? I guess not. I guess they're back. And they're Somali. They let the other crew members of the Maersk Alabama go but decided to keep the Captain held hostage. In a lifeboat. And now hostage negotiators are trying to get the Captain back. By offering custom-made eye patches and a signed DVD of Pirates of the Caribbean. The pirates don't like Johnny Depp. So, the negotiations are still continuing.

Just like Passover is still going strong. And this guy is really excited about that. "Fuck, yeah! Passover." The week long event kicked off last night as millions of Jewish families around the world celebrated the flee from Egypt by setting out large portions of food on a table and then making their starving kids sit through an hour long reading of the Haggadah before finally eating gelatinous fish and white puffy balls. But by then, they're not even hungry anymore and just want to go to bed. But not before the grand hiding of the Matzah where kids knock over books and furniture and the TV and even each other to find the goddamn Matzah, which when they do, there's another celebration: the grand prize of a measly dollar.

Speaking of celebrating. KA-BOOM! Iran is celebrating Nuclear Day. I didn't know this was an actual holiday. But I guess it is. What do you get someone on Nuclear Day?

Probably this

Or this


Or maybe even this
Because really, who doesn't like Lost? Especially if you love evil terroristic dicators like this guy

Wait, he suffered a stroke, so fuck him. I meant this guy

Kidding. Enough with this picture already. I really meant this guy

Look at that handsome devil. Crazy Mahmoud and his Ahmadinejihading. He's actually talking to the US about his country's nuclear program. But what they're really going to talk about is


But not season 1. Last night's episode. I just reused this picture because it was there. But Mahmoud is a huge fan of Lost. And why shouldn't he be? Its twists and turns and explosive secrets would make any dictator shit his pants in 'holy shit did that just happen?' "I just don't know where they come up with this stuff," the Iranian leader admits. And neither do we. Last night, we found out what happened to Ben after Richard snuck him into the Others' camp which really pissed Charles off. And then Charles got pissed off again when Ben refused to kill a baby and then there was something about how if the island wanted the kid dead, it would have killed it and how Charles couldn't kill the kid even though he ends up doing so years later because Ben was too much of a fuck to walk outside which caused him to return to the island so he could be judged by a smoke monster, which spared him is life, but only if he listened to everything John Locke said. And then Sawyer ran out of toilet paper. Boom. Lost? Exactly. But not dead.

This guy is. Gay porn idol. And now he's dead. At least he lasted long enough to see Vermont legalize gayness.

Damnit Richard Simmons. Not now. Not ever. You'll never be legalized. Just like

You will never be legal, Marijuana. Even though

this is acceptable by lawmakers. And so is

No! I told you. You're not acceptable. You're actually...

Really? You're trying again? No! You're just...

Not acceptable. You're...


Oh, God. Here we go again. And that's all the news that's fit to suck.

Today's Attractions: Wed. April 8, 2009:

Yes please.

I don't see the big deal. So some USers got hijacked by some pirates. I mean, look at them. Look at those pirates. And their swashbuckling. Fuck, I'd love to get hijacked by some...

What???

Oh, right, they don't really look like that. And they're Somali. Which means they're not so nice either. Apparently, the Maersk Alabama was carrying emergency relief supplies and a bunch of inbred sailors when it was Captain Hooked right off its course. "Fuck Kenya," one of the Somali's said while eating a bucket of KFC and listening to some Allman Brothers. No, that didn't happen. But a ship did get hijacked by some Somali fucks. And this is how the Navy plans on dealing with the hijinxing: "It's fair to say we are closely monitoring the situation, but we will not discuss nor speculate on current and future military operations." That really was said. Which means they're doing nothing.

Speaking of nothing, this guy isn't doing shit for anyone. Because four people were shot during a California religious retreat. Really Jesus? You're that busy? You're that up to your ears in paperwork that you can't even protect the assholes who are devoting their Tuesday to you? What? You spared three of them? Oh, well, let's just throw a goddamn party for you then. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to use your dad's name like that.

This guy. Thinks he's Jesus. Everyone thinks he's the second coming of something. Hitler maybe. What's he doing with his arm there? Why is he Nazi'ing it up like that? Those troops don't look too thrilled with what he's trying to accomplish there. Thanks Obama for visiting. Thanks for making the trek out here to Iraq and telling us you plan on pulling us out of here. Finally. After all these years. Now that the economy sucks dick and the chances of us getting real jobs are about as good as Iraq being able to withstand stability without us. Thanks. Dick.


Look at that guy. He loves dick. Loves. It. Congratulations on being gay, guy from Vermont. "Yeah, I love dick!" So what. Why is this an issue? Why are we excited about lawmakers making laws over something that shouldn't even be outlawed? The world is fucking stupid. We should celebrate that it's ok to be gay in Vermont now? It's ok to love someone else, unconditionally in Vermont now. It's ok to pump that person you love unconditionally in the asshole unmercifully in Vermont now. The Vermont goverment says so. Thanks Vermont government for not, and excuse my gigantic pun here, sucking a giant dick when it comes to letting humans be human. We've come a long way since legalizing black people. Ok? I really don't think we have. Reverted, actually. Back to being cock suckers. I'm sorry, I can't stop. Pounding. This. Legislative. Action. Thanks Vermont. I forgot you existed until today.


Exactly. Just like Kal Penn is wondering if his acting career is going to become nonexistant. What the fuck Kal Penn? Are you goddamn serious? You're giving up starring in another Harold and Kumar movie? You're giving up being caned in the Kumar by House? So you can work for the government? Ok? What the shit are you thinking Kal Penn? What are you fucking thinking? You think you're going to get free White Castle burgers for this gig? So, he's the new associate director in the Office of Public Liaison. He's going to connect Obama with the Asian-American and Pacific Islander communities. Through laughter. Gut busting quips. But he's not even Asian. At least I don't think he is. Harold is. Maybe they should team up. Just one last time. Harold and Kumar in Another Disappointing Movie. You disappoint me Kal Penn. For this and for not answering my letters. You disappoint me.

But Apple doesn't. They could never ever do anything that would...what? They're getting sued? By who? Whom? What?!?! By the Taiwanese company Elan Microelectronics? Who the fuck are they? Oh, a Taiwanese company. Ok. So, they're suing Apple for infringing on Elan Microelectronics' touch screen patents. Because they have one. Touching something has become a legal issue. Never mind. I guess it always was.

Just ask this guy

And this guy

But not this guy

Because look at him. And I don't really even know who the fuck he is but just found his image on Google and seriously, does he really even know what the fuck is happening at this point in his life? Probably not.



They do. They know exactly what's going on. UConn wins the Women's NCAA, NAACP...Wait. No. NCAA Women's Tournament. Good for them. Connecticut and Vermont in the news on the same day. Who would have thought? No one. But who cares. They won. Against...hold on. Against Louisville, where this guy's from.

I'm kidding. I don't know where he's from. And either does he. And this guy

This guy never knows where or when he is. Look at him. Reading. So adorable. He's come so far since Lost started. And tonight, he's going to go even further. He's going to actually finish a book uninterrupted. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Tonight's episode centers around crazy eyes.

This fuck. Fucking shit up all day long. Just like Jack. if Jack had only operated, non of this shit would have happened. But he didn't. And now this jerkfuck is running all over time and space killing this and fucking up that.

Just like this guy.

But not this guy. Even though he's acting like

this guy. Who everyone thought

this guy was. But not really. He just eats kittens. And that's all the news that's fit to suck. Enjoy your day.

Atrocious Apparel

Why is this an option? What the shit? Are you fucking serious? This guy needs to be gutted and turned into someone else's poorly picked wardrobe. Not even Carlos, the Colombian at my work could pull this off. And he pulls off some pretty outlandish clothing combinations. But no, sorry Carlos, even this would get you deported back to Cokeville.

Which I'm sure this guy was on when he agreed to pose for this asinine photography session. Or the person who stitched this together. How did that even go? Asking this warlock to piece himself together and leave his ditch for a second so that American Apparel can sell some shitty knits.

"Yeah, we kind of need you to wear this for our shoot."
"What? Are you goddamn serious? I don't even think this qualifies as a shirt."
"Uh, yeah, well, I don't think you really qualify as human...so, yeah, we're gonna need you to strap it on and act like it's something you would have in your closet."
"But I don't even own a closet. I'm not even sure what sex I am."
"Yeah, that's kind of the appeal. So, could you wash the cum off your chest and let us put this on you?"

I hope he got whatever sexual parts he was born with completely smashed to bits when he stopped for a 5 minute smoke break and decided to test the waters outside by...





Uh, ok? What the fuck? Where are his sleeves? Did he forget them? He does know that he looks like a fucking shithead? What would happen if I wore this to work? In the middle of a meeting. Just, leaning back in my chair, sipping coffee, acting like nothing's out of the ordinary. That I'm not wearing a fucking hoodie sans the goddamn sleeves.
"What's everyone staring at?"
"Uh, why do you think you can get away with wearing something like that?" My boss would ask.
"You mean to work?"
"I mean, in life. You're fired. For wearing that. In case you were wondering. It's for showing up today and wearing that."

I would deserve it. I would fucking deserve to...





Really? Because the solid gold comedy hour that's strapped to your upper body isn't enough, but the decision to NOT wear anything underneath is completely mentally stable. Does this asshole work for some fairyland mob boss in rainbowville alley? He's gonna go wack...





YOU AGAIN? AND NO SLEEVES? JESUS H.

Sorry...where was I?



Oh yeah, this guy...Homo Hitman. He's about to wack...



Oh what the hell? What the hell? Did this guy just shit his pants or is he retarded? Just a little bit. Or maybe a lot. Tons of retard. Just layered in retard because he's not pulling it off by himself. He needs...



What...What is this? What is...not even sure anymore. Not even...



Uh...what do I...? What do I do about this? It's just...What could anyone possibly be thinking when they made/posed/bought/thought this up?
"I want it to be pink. But stupid pink. Like, the gayest fucking pink that not even the most frilly of girls would wear, pink. And I want it placed on some jackass who looks like he knows he's hit rock bottom.

Like this guy...

Rainbow dyke over here. Did someone just try and hit him for effect?



God, him again. This. Fucking. Nightmare. All of them. Fucking nightmares. I'm gonna stop. I can't do this anymore. It's just too...






This guy. Trying to look tough. "Im gonna try and look tough in this one guys? Cool. Is it cool if I try to look tough?" No. You can't. Because you're not.




But this guy is. So. Cracked. Out. He wasn't when they found him. They made him that way. For effect. "We want you to look like you shouldn't be alive anymore. We want..."



Ok. We get it. You're in charge. In charge of the sleeveless brigade. Leading the pact of wardrobe malfunctioned idiots. Just prancing around in a winter wonderland of faggatry, twirling and...



I hate you.



Despise you.



Feel sorry for you.



Pray to God for you...



Especially you...



Don't even know what to think of you...



Just speechless for you...



Not even sure what you are...



I'm done.