Today's Attractions: Wed. April 8, 2009:

Yes please.

I don't see the big deal. So some USers got hijacked by some pirates. I mean, look at them. Look at those pirates. And their swashbuckling. Fuck, I'd love to get hijacked by some...

What???

Oh, right, they don't really look like that. And they're Somali. Which means they're not so nice either. Apparently, the Maersk Alabama was carrying emergency relief supplies and a bunch of inbred sailors when it was Captain Hooked right off its course. "Fuck Kenya," one of the Somali's said while eating a bucket of KFC and listening to some Allman Brothers. No, that didn't happen. But a ship did get hijacked by some Somali fucks. And this is how the Navy plans on dealing with the hijinxing: "It's fair to say we are closely monitoring the situation, but we will not discuss nor speculate on current and future military operations." That really was said. Which means they're doing nothing.

Speaking of nothing, this guy isn't doing shit for anyone. Because four people were shot during a California religious retreat. Really Jesus? You're that busy? You're that up to your ears in paperwork that you can't even protect the assholes who are devoting their Tuesday to you? What? You spared three of them? Oh, well, let's just throw a goddamn party for you then. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to use your dad's name like that.

This guy. Thinks he's Jesus. Everyone thinks he's the second coming of something. Hitler maybe. What's he doing with his arm there? Why is he Nazi'ing it up like that? Those troops don't look too thrilled with what he's trying to accomplish there. Thanks Obama for visiting. Thanks for making the trek out here to Iraq and telling us you plan on pulling us out of here. Finally. After all these years. Now that the economy sucks dick and the chances of us getting real jobs are about as good as Iraq being able to withstand stability without us. Thanks. Dick.


Look at that guy. He loves dick. Loves. It. Congratulations on being gay, guy from Vermont. "Yeah, I love dick!" So what. Why is this an issue? Why are we excited about lawmakers making laws over something that shouldn't even be outlawed? The world is fucking stupid. We should celebrate that it's ok to be gay in Vermont now? It's ok to love someone else, unconditionally in Vermont now. It's ok to pump that person you love unconditionally in the asshole unmercifully in Vermont now. The Vermont goverment says so. Thanks Vermont government for not, and excuse my gigantic pun here, sucking a giant dick when it comes to letting humans be human. We've come a long way since legalizing black people. Ok? I really don't think we have. Reverted, actually. Back to being cock suckers. I'm sorry, I can't stop. Pounding. This. Legislative. Action. Thanks Vermont. I forgot you existed until today.


Exactly. Just like Kal Penn is wondering if his acting career is going to become nonexistant. What the fuck Kal Penn? Are you goddamn serious? You're giving up starring in another Harold and Kumar movie? You're giving up being caned in the Kumar by House? So you can work for the government? Ok? What the shit are you thinking Kal Penn? What are you fucking thinking? You think you're going to get free White Castle burgers for this gig? So, he's the new associate director in the Office of Public Liaison. He's going to connect Obama with the Asian-American and Pacific Islander communities. Through laughter. Gut busting quips. But he's not even Asian. At least I don't think he is. Harold is. Maybe they should team up. Just one last time. Harold and Kumar in Another Disappointing Movie. You disappoint me Kal Penn. For this and for not answering my letters. You disappoint me.

But Apple doesn't. They could never ever do anything that would...what? They're getting sued? By who? Whom? What?!?! By the Taiwanese company Elan Microelectronics? Who the fuck are they? Oh, a Taiwanese company. Ok. So, they're suing Apple for infringing on Elan Microelectronics' touch screen patents. Because they have one. Touching something has become a legal issue. Never mind. I guess it always was.

Just ask this guy

And this guy

But not this guy

Because look at him. And I don't really even know who the fuck he is but just found his image on Google and seriously, does he really even know what the fuck is happening at this point in his life? Probably not.



They do. They know exactly what's going on. UConn wins the Women's NCAA, NAACP...Wait. No. NCAA Women's Tournament. Good for them. Connecticut and Vermont in the news on the same day. Who would have thought? No one. But who cares. They won. Against...hold on. Against Louisville, where this guy's from.

I'm kidding. I don't know where he's from. And either does he. And this guy

This guy never knows where or when he is. Look at him. Reading. So adorable. He's come so far since Lost started. And tonight, he's going to go even further. He's going to actually finish a book uninterrupted. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Tonight's episode centers around crazy eyes.

This fuck. Fucking shit up all day long. Just like Jack. if Jack had only operated, non of this shit would have happened. But he didn't. And now this jerkfuck is running all over time and space killing this and fucking up that.

Just like this guy.

But not this guy. Even though he's acting like

this guy. Who everyone thought

this guy was. But not really. He just eats kittens. And that's all the news that's fit to suck. Enjoy your day.