Today's Attractions: April 22, 2009

Sorry Tonto, you gotta go. So, it wasn't enough that God and Andrew Jackson kicked the Indians off our land almost 200 years ago, but now our beloved creator isn't satisfied with the Indians making a home down in Colombia. Actually, for the past four decades he's been trying to get rid of them. By using angry coked up gunmen as his henchmen. Colombia has some good coke. From what I've heard. And these gunmen want control of all of it. Which means, yep, our feathered, horse riding friends need to skedaddle. I don't think they really ride horses anymore, actually. But in any event, I think Indians are God's new Jews. I mean, he really hates the Indians.
Yeah, exactly.

"Hey, move your goddamn border marker, South Korea!" North Korea is pissed right now. Like always. Always bringing down South Korea. Pun, sort of intended. So, yeah, those siamese southeners moved a border marker several dozen yards to the north. "We didn't think they would notice. Jesus, it was just a joke. Calm down North Korea," some South Korean stated while giggling and pissing on a North Korean military graveyard. I'm assuming they did this because one day prior to the funny business, the two sides were crying over how South Korea is running factories in a North Korean industrial complex and if they kept doing this, they would have to pay more for North Korean labor. So, what did they do? They moved the goddamn border marker. Makes sense to me. If this continues, we could be looking at another fun little war. Which means this will have to happen again...

Even though most of them are probably dead. Or look like they should be dead.

Thanks Alan Alda for proving my point. Speaking of dead...


You are. "Hello, I killed myself, apparently," said David Kellerman from Hell, the former CFO of Freddie Mac.

No, Freddie Prinze Jr. Go away.

So, yeah, this guy's taking a picture of Kellerman's house. Or someone's house. Most likely Kellerman's. But, whatever. It's a house. And Kellerman's dead. Dead like the mortgage boom he helped fuck up. It appears Kellerman took my advice the other day and offed himself as any self-respecting business man would. Like this...

But in the basement. That doesn't really look like a basement. But it could be. You never know. Just like you never thought this would happen.

Or this. Look at that guy. Proud to be mayor of a small town. On the Georgia-Alabama border. They have as many people living there as there were in my graduating class. So, apparently, this small shithole seems to be a good place to drop a Kia manufacturing plant. The South Korean native...

"Hello again." But, yeah, Kia is the only car factory opening shops in the country. And they're mainly doing it in the south. Because labors cheap and everyone's all inbred and don't understand that Kia, technically, shouldn't even exist anymore but have somehow managed to sell enough cars to warrant this expansion. For example, in West Point, Georgia.

"They're putting a fucking Kia plant here? No shit." Yes.

Yes, thank you Jesus for not being a total selfish prick and getting off your ass to help out some of your father's unfortunate creations.

"You got it." Whatever. Anyway, this could give more than 10,000 people something to do, other than sitting on their porch, picking their teeth and waiting to die. Like Kellerman, who just couldn't wait any more. Ok, enough of that. Seriously, a moment of silence. Moment over. Let's see what else is going on...

"Hey, I'm a repeat tonight." Ok, well, there's no reason to go on a murdering spree over it. It's not entirely old. But mostly. I think they're splicing together footage we haven't seen with footage we've seen a thousand times to give us the story of the Oceanic 6 even though we already know the goddamn story but ABC feels it's necessary to drag this out even longer than need be. Whatever. We'll just watch...

No, we won't. Ever. But this guy will...

"What, Tyler Perry's on tonight? No shit." I'm kidding. That's racist. To think that even this guy would want to sit through that crap.


"Yay! We're firing people!" Yahoo is kicking 5% of its workforce out on the street since they can't make a profit like their arch nemesis Google. When asked if any of the top paid people responsible for most of the company's decline would be let go, one of them just shook their head and said, "No, no, no. We'll all be fine. We're mainly just getting rid of the lower end people. You know, the ones that save our asses on a constant basis. And the janitor because he's out to get me." Well, the 700 people who will soon be able to watch The Price is Right again, can always move to West Point, Georgia. You know, the Kia place.

Hey, it's Earth Day. So, you know, we gotta give a shit. But just for today. Tomorrow, we can go back to what we do best. Fucking shit up.

Yep, that seems about right.

Uh huh.

Might as well.

And might as well just pull out your tit and let your kid feast off of it right there in public. Who cares? I can do what I want. I'm a celebrity. Barely Maggie Gyllenhaal. Barely. But keep it up. Studies show that breast feeding can help lower a mom's risk of developing shit they don't want. Like diabetes and high blood pressure. Oh and cardiovascular disease because that fucking sucks. Of course, too much breast feeding can lead to this...

Yep. And guess what? I've had enough. Thanks for stopping by. That's all the news that's fit to suck. Enjoy your day!

Today's Attractions: April 21, 2009

This guy's got the right idea. Because his life sucks. And he knows it. So, he did something about it. He tried to do something about it before the stock market decided to drop on Monday. For the past six weeks, he probably thought his luck was turning around. "We've locked in profits!" he was heard whispering on Friday to his wife and then to his wife on the side but not to his mistress because he didn't want to give her any of it. Now, he's not saying anything. Just kind of swinging back and forth while his friends try to figure out ways to do the same thing without coming off like copycats. Because they have doubts about the banks' profit reports. They think it's just a mask. A mask for more debt. So maybe now's the time to buy stock in nooses.

Walk out. Monday. UN Meeting. Be there. Yep, some European diplomats got the fuck out of dodge on Monday because of this guy...

"Hello." Look at him. Like a little kid who just got caught stealing a cookie before dinner. No, Achi! And stop whining about the Jews. Fuck. Give it a goddamn rest already. "We didn't want to sit there and listen to him go on and on about how the Holocaust was just a front for Palastinian victimization," one UN member is quoted as saying. "Plus, it was so goddamn hot in there." Ok, we get it. You hate the Jews. And think they're responsible for everything that's gone wrong in this world. Like war. And poverty. And Heathe Ledgers death. Achi is a huge Heathe Ledger fan. "I saw 10 Things I Hate About You over ten times. Guilty!" he said. Maybe we should just not invite him to anymore UN meetings.

Oh. Look at me. My birthday was yesterday. But I'm dead so, you'll just have to throw a party without me. Happy Birthday you fuck. He does not look happy about being a day older. He'd be 120 years old had he not committed suicide after destroying an entire race of people. If he were alive though. If he were able to accept a birthday gift, I'll tell you what I would have gotten him. This...

Fuck Barbara Streisand, where have you been lately?

Where do you think you're going? To jail. That's right mother fucker. Wipe that goddamn grin off your face. So, this is the lone survivor of the Somali pirate crew who hijacked that redneck ship last week and took that captain guy with the beard hostage. He thinks it's funny that these are the first piracy charges in the US in more than a century. He's hiding something. Like more piracy problems. Wait, I know that guy. I saw him down on Canal street selling illegal copies of Pirates of the Caribbean 4: Give it up Johnny Depp and Baby Mama 2: Really, Tina Fey? His mom, the pirate's not Johnny Depps', is pleading to our lord and savior to pardon her son. That it was just part of a stupid hazing ritual. "You know how teenagers are. They just want to be accepted. And he really wanted to be a part of this pirate brigade. His father was a pirate. His father's father was a pirate. It's his legacy," his mom said to her make believe hand puppet.

Speaking of make believe, Obama thinks there's just an endless amount of money he can keep handing out to people. He's proposing to loan the International Monetary Fund $100 billion. Ok. Sure. So now we're just making up numbers. Why stop at $100 billion? Why not make it an even trillion? It's just paper. We can always print more. Apparently, it's supposed to help everyone out in the world and make everything right as rain. My guess is that it will just lead to more of this...

Speaking of human evolution...

You damn dirty fucks! So, guess what's cooking? Chimps. Yep. Turns out, according to some guy I've never heard of and most likely, non of you have ever heard of either, humans evolved because chimps starting watching the Food Network more. No, that didn't even exist back then. But seriously, it's proposed, just like Obama is proposing to give $100 billion to the IMF. Remember that gem above? Anyway, yeah, so it's proposed that our large brains and human like shape evolved from ingesting a rich diet. That once those clever chimps starting playing with fire, cooking their food gave them more energy. Which made them stronger. And smarter. And obsessed with cooking until finally, they evolved into this...

No Paula Dean. Bad.

Friends, good. Not the show. Well, it was and then went way down hill after Chandler and Monica starting becoming more than friends. And then...

happened. The complete first season? Why is this an option? Who put this together? And I thought it got canceled mid show. Anyway, a new study suggests that friends can help us fight depression and illness, slow aging and prolong life. In fact, word on the science street is that during a 10 year study in Australia, older people with a larger circle of friends were 22% less likely to die during the study than those who were alone. So, utterly alone. This makes sense. I mean, just look at how friends have really made an impact on all of us...

Oh, wait. What about...

Wooops. They're not even speaking. Hold on. Here...

and...

No? Right. Ok, well, there's...

and...wait, even I know that's just, oh, they're back together? Well, that's just kind of not necessary.

There. Now, that's friendship. True friendship. Moving on...what? One more? Ok. What do we have?


and...

Ok. Very funny.

Ok. Not very funny. Goddamnit Craigslist killer. Using something we've come to love and enjoy over the years as a tool for murder. This is why we can't have nice things. So, everyone the alleged killer knows is all up in arms over how this can't be. He didn't do it. He's such a nice guy. He would never hurt a fly. Really? This is the argument. He would never hurt a fly? How many times have we heard this shit?

Exactly. He was a peaceful guy. Look at him. Looks like he would never hurt a fly. He killed six people and wounded seven. Because a dog told him to.

Look at this guy. Good lookin fella. Quiet and kept to himself. He would never hurt a fly. Yeah, Ted Bundy murdered over 30 young women in the 70's.

Really Jason? You want in on this too? Fine. Yeah, he was quiet. Just wanted to be loved until he drowned at camp. Because his mom never taught him how to swim before sending him off to summer camp. And as we all know, every goddamn summer camp comes with a lake. So, yeah, he died and we all saw how that turned out. Not good. And so, on this murderous note, that's all the news that's fit to suck.

Today's Attractions: April 17, 2009

Obama's going to Mexico. And guns and drugs top his agenda there. Ok? So, he thinks he can go to Mexico and get fucked up and shoot people and it will be ok because he's in Mexico? I'm not really sure I agree with this. What? He's...he's what? Oh, he's going there to talk to the Mexican people about their gun and drug trafficking problem? Oh, ok. That makes more sense. That's a shame though. I had more respect for him before.

Speaking of respect, he's pretty much lost everyone's. This according to American Apparel, the clothing store that features people like this as models...

Goddamnit. Anyway, Originally, Woody sued AA for posting his image on some of their billboards, thus, damaging his reputation. AA's witty comeback, "You already did that yourself." Where are they getting this from?

Oh, right.

Oh, fuck. What are you going to not shut up about now? What are you going to go on and on and on about that is so fucking obvious that a goddamn Hellen Keller could figure it out? What? You're retiring? After 30 years of witty play-by-plays you're finally choosing to call it quits? Madden states that he's not completely giving up the gab. He does plan on sitting his fat ass on the couch every Sunday where he will continue calling the games for absolutely nobody. So, he'll pretty much have the same audience.

Hey, congratulations Earth. 8th warmest temperature on record in 2009. Nice going. Researchers say if we keep this up, we'll never get rid of...

Actually, we could use you right now in this, so stick around. Al's turning his attention away from the sun and looking towards "induced pluripotent" stem cells. Fuck, Al, what the hell are you doing now? We barely want to listen to you go on about things we understand. But what the hell is pluripotent? Oh. It's a $20 million venture that replaces embryonic stem cells with ordinary skin cells. Ordinary? Well, that does sound Gorish. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH!!! Ok, moving on.

So, Obama isn't going to file charges against CIA officials for waterboarding. I don't see what the big deal is. So they need to cut loose once in awhile. Who doesn't? I mean since when has it been illegal to...what? Waterboarding is what? Simulated drowning? That's kind of fucked up.

And so is this guy. Miles. We could give a shit less about you until Wednesday night. When ABC decided to center an entire episode around you. It's about time. We knew he could talk to dead people and that he was Asian but what ABC thought we didn't know even though we already did like twenty episodes ago was that his dad is that other Asian guy from all the orientation videos. The guy with 85,000 different names. Yeah, so Miles has daddy issues because his dad left him when he was 3 months. And some how Miles acquired this special gift of hearing the dead, which is how he ended up on the island. Which he thinks makes him special until Hurley tells him that he can see dead people and that he's writing a movie that's already been written. Meanwhile, Kate is doing what she does best: fucking shit up and ruining people's lives. And Jack is apparently growing his hair out. Oh, and Farraday shows up at the end speaking all sinister and soft. But man does that man know how to grow a nice looking beard.

But not like this guy. Goddamnit Billy Mays, I could run my fingers through your beard all night. The Oxiclean promoter's new show, Pitchmen, debuted Wednesday night on the Discovery Channel. Nobody watched though. They were too busy listening to a love ballad written by this guy...

The notorious gangster had a soft spot it seems. While spending time in jail, Capone wrote a very touching Italian love ballad that centered around...

Although Capone never knew whose body the chalk outline was actually drawn for, he is known to have said that it was the most beautiful outline he had ever seen.

Hey Cuba. What? You want to talk now? You want to just get together, open a bottle of wine and spill your guts? Cuba wants to have an open discussion with the US about "everything". From political prisoners to human rights to whether or not it was a smart move for ABC to kill Edie off Desperate Housewives. When asked if she had any regrets, Sheridan responded with, "Just one."...
Well, that's obvious.

And so is this. According to the EPA, Greenhouse gases are a danger to our health. Thanks. For that. Really.

New study shows that eating a lot is bad for you.

And so is drinking too much. Just like...

was bad for Nicollette Sheridan. And...

is bad for black people. And let's not forget about...

being bad for moviegoers everywhere. And, yes, that's all the news that's fit to suck.