This man is not a happy camper. "I am not a happy camper," Hamid Karzai, President of Afghanistan stated while dismantling his tent. Seems we bombed the shit out of some innocent Afghans while trying to diffuse those testy Taliban. One government official is quoted as saying, "Yeah, we're gonna say we killed dozens because that doesn't sound as awful, but to be honest, we probably accidentally maimed and murdered over 130 people. Woops." Since Obama took office, this is the largest number of civilian deaths in Afghanistan. And only one person is pleased as punch over this...
"Welcome to my hell, O'badass."
HEADLINE: Guy Wears Jean Shorts. Gets Away With It. No, I can't make fun of him. He's economically homeless. That's the new term for people who aren't chronic homeless, sucking on bottles of booze and dicks to see another sunset. The economically homeless are people like you and me. Only they don't have jobs anymore. And have relocated to these neat little cities where suburban landscapes are littered with tents instead of houses. "It's kind of cool," one guy states while dousing himself with gasoline. "It's like camping. Only forever." Tent cities range from the simplistic approach...
To the pointless...
To the downright ridiculous...
To the "what the fuck? Is that even a tent?"...
To the "No. Are you that big of an asshole? Get out of here!"...
And that's enough of that.
YUMMY!!! Gimmie! Gimmie! Old people love drugs. They love swallowing them. Crushing them up. Mixing them with their jello. About 15% of our country's soon to be forgotten and dead have prescriptions for psychiatric drugs, doubling the percentage a decade ago. One old guy stated, while sitting naked in the old folks home quad area, "I don't give a fuck about anything. Look at me. I'm sitting in my own shit. You think I care? Not in the slightest." Ten seconds later, the same man started screaming at another drugged up old person for trying to steal his pocket watch. "He doesn't even own a pocket watch," one of the nurses said.
HURRY! It's time for another edition of "The Flu formerly known as Swine Flu" update! Turns out, it's not going to kill us. According to one health official at the CDC, "Yeah, so, guess it's not as bad as we thought. In fact, all those deaths in Mexico weren't even from the flu. It was from trigger happy border guards." Another guy at the CDC that's friends with the first guy said it would be pointless to continue closing schools. "There's just too many goddamn cases. And, seriously, at this point, it's like getting the regular flu. So, just...put up with it. I don't know." Britain's not buying it. They're handing out pamphlets on good hygiene. Uh, yeah, probably should have done that years ago.
Fuck. Anyway, stay tuned tomorrow for another edition of "The Flu formerly known as Swine Flu" update!
Hey, what are you fucking smiling at? This guy, Bernanke, The Federal Reserve Chairman, says the economy should pull out of that whorish recession sometime at the end of the year. So, great, companies will pick up. Less people will be out of a job. The world will be a happy place again, right? "No, actually," Bernanke said. "Uh, you would think, but more people are probably going to lose their jobs, so, yeah, sorry...bout that."
Yep. Sorry to say that Dom DeLuise died at the age of 75. First Bea Arthur. Now this. What's next...
Ew, yeah, not dead but you should be...
You're trying. So hard, Axle Rose. You're trying your little Guns N. Roses heart out. But, yeah, you're done...
Should be, but isn't...
Done.
Should never have even happened...
Finished...
Yep...
Go hang with Busey. And finally...
Goodbye Saturday Morning Childhood.
Ok, what are you? Yeast? Fantastic. NASA is spending $3 million to shoot some yeast up into space and then said yeast will be injected with some antifungal drug. "We're kind of out of ideas," one NASA guy said while petting a chimpanzee. Get ready, more award-winning experiments are set to take place later this year. NASA wants to test how well biological building blocks and microbes survive when faced with the vacuum, radiation and other funness of space. Why? So scientists can pat themselves on the back over proving their hypothesis that life from Mars was carried to Earth on a meteorite. Who. Gives. A. Shit?
Hey, what are you doing? Building a little foot model? How cute. The foot bones belong to some hobbit that lived roughly 17,000 years ago on the Indonesian island of Flores. This particular hobbit, although distinct from modern humans, was said to be an alcoholic wife beater with no money or point in life. Scientists are baffled by the size of the hobbits foot, around 7.5 inches long, which doesn't match its short little limbs. Plus, the foot is flat. "We're still not sure what these things are," one scientist admitted. "But, we think we've solved how Lost is going to end." Fucking great.
"Hey, I'm a giant faggot." So, apparently it's cool for guys to wear eyeliner now. Sorry, guyliner. Gayliner. Fuck! Why is this happening? Pretty soon we're all going to be androgynous assholes wandering around wearing eyeliner and skinny jeans, not knowing which goddamn side of the department store is ours, waking up next to something that we're not sure is a guy or girl or basically even human. It's just...
Wow.
Good. Crash.
I'm strangely attracted to this thing.
Ok, I wish I could hate this man for what he's done to his eyes, but I just can't. In fact, this seems like as good a time as any for our weekly Lost forecast. Yep, it's Wednesday which means the only thing to live for is on tonight. And from what I've heard, it centers around Eyeliner Man up there. But probably not. But most likely, Jack will scream a lot and try to do things he shouldn't be doing while Kate tags along and agrees with Jack after disagreeing with Jack while making googly eyes at Sawyer who will be making his "I've got everything under control even though everything is completely out of control" look at Juliet who will make her duck face "I told you so look" at Sawyer all while Locke is being the badass he's always been. Whatever happens, it's going to be explosive.
Exactly. But not. So, this scene doesn't occur any time soon, the Pentagon is ordering the destruction of all things that go boom. Early by three years, the disposal of our chemical weapons will cost more than $3.2 billion to build the necessary plants in Colorado and Kentucky. This won't eliminate all of them, though. "We're keeping some around until 2021. You know, in case someone needs to be fucked with," one trigger happy general stated while smoking a cigar and laughing maniacally after blowing up a nest full of baby birds. The Pentagon is hurrying the little job along so these little gadgets don't end up in the wrong hands...
Ok, I'm done. That's all the news that's fit to suck.
